BREAKING: New Tznius Regulations Released for Parkville Heights

Dear Parkvillians (Parkvillites?)

I know we’re all enjoying the warm weather this spring, the new line of TZNIUS spring fashions at Tzippi’s LaRouchey BOUTIQUE that leave you feeling just like you’re in FRANCE and our wonderful darling CHILDREN (for those who have them).

Yet as a Parkvillite myself, I can’t help but notice the TRAGEDIES s going on around us this spring and wonder what we can do to prevent them.

There’s old man Niereberger’s phlebitis acting up and his son’s gonorrhea, which is also acting up. There are the many BEE STINGS from which our wonderful darling children are suffering day after day, with no RELIEF in sight.

Then there’s little Yitzi Weinberg who got drunk on raisin wine and slammed his tatti’s PORSCHE SUV right through the front window of Parkville Delicious Pizza Parlor on Motzi Shabbos. The insurance rates are HORRIBLE.

And there’s the sad case of little Shuey Goldstein who learned to curse from YouTube and now swears like a foul mouthed sailor ALL DAY. And it isn’t funny!!!

Also there’s stuff going on in Eretz Yisrael all the time, but we don’t pay attention to it, unless we’re going to VACATION there for Pesach. (In which case we cancel the flight.)

When we see tragedies like this all around us, our first reaction has to be, what can we, as ignorant but well off LADIES, do about it?

On Yom Kippur we focus on Tefillah, Teshuvah and Tzedakah.  But every day for us it’s more important to focus on another T word, TZNIUS. After the last Parkville neighborhood tragedy, when Chezki Zibblestein turned on a fire hydrant which smashed through our front window and soaked our European imported designer sofa cover fabrics, to help me understand how to cope with this tragedy I turned for answers to Rav David Eigenstein.

First I caught his wife who told me to call back later, during dinner. But Rav David was never home, so I kept calling and calling, until he finally picked up at 3 AM, heard me out and told me to SHUT THE HELL UP AND NEVER CALL HIM AGAIN. At first I was insulted and decided to cut down his Purim basket next year from 200 dollars to only 150. But then on sober reflection I decided that I needed to take away an IMPORTANT LIFE LESSON.

What Rav David was really telling me in his TYPICALLY ABRASIVE way was that I needed to incorporate more Tznius into my life.

Now in consultation with the Ladies Board of Parkville Communal Institutions Authority, (Chanie Mittrager, Yintzie Blinstein, Kizzie Baranover, Mintzy Blaumlach and Dalli Glintzlacher) and with Rav David Eigenstein, in an advisory capacity… we have decided to take upon ourselves the deep well of moral responsibility to issue NEW TZINUS REGULATIONS FOR ALL OF PARKVILLE AND THE SURROUNDING NEIGHBORHOODS AND COMMUNITIES.

For the sake of our WONDERFUL DARLING CHILDREN, from now on please observe the following Tznius regulations on a day to day basis to avoid being shunned as a DISGUSTING DISEASED PARIAH by your loving friends and neighbors… and help us avoid the manifold tragedies that can come from TZNIUS VIOLATIONS.

1. Ladies are to avoid walking within 12 feet of an uncovered open window in their own homes. Within 8 feet of an uncovered closed window and within 4 feet of a closed window covered over with heavy dark wool.

2. Photos should only be taken by a close male relative, unless they are extremely unflattering photos.

3. Our own unscientific study shows that most pritzus and lashon hara occurs in phone conversation between the hours of 2 and 3 PM. That is why no phone conversations should take place between those hours unless something very important needs to be ordered over the phone.

4. Bathroom windows should be removed and tastefully mortared over.

5. When encountering a surveillance camera, please walk in a circular path to avoid having your image imprinted on its lens.

6. Driving is non-tznius. Chauffeurs are tznius.

7. Sex in the City DVD viewing parties should in the future not include any men.

8. Ninjas are tznius, as they are all covered up and sneak around. Pirates are not tznius, as they wear little and make a lot of noise when they walk.

9. Tzippy’s LaRouchey Boutique (run by my dear friend Tzippy Boimelstein) has the most stylish and fashionable Tznius spring fashions around. Not shopping there is a definite Tznius violation.

That is all for now. If we think of anything else, we’ll put it in next week’s bulletin.

By the way I notice many Parkvillians are tossing these bulletins straight into the trash or using them to scoop up dog doo doo. I just want to reach out to my neighbors and say that this is very wrong and if you keep doing this YOU AND YOUR LITTLE DOG WILL BOTH BURN FOREVER IN HELL. Yes I mean you Mrs. Schneiderman. I know you think you’re so important because you went to college and read the newspaper. Well let me tell you something, Charles Manson went to college too and look where he ended up!

Bizchus of us doing these things, may we merit a trouble free summer with no sunburns or bee stings anymore for our WONDERFUL DARLING CHILDREN

With much love and regrets.

P.S. Let’s meet on a Yeedle Cruise

Malkie Chazzerstein

Parkville Ladies Association of Communities Authority

10 Dating Tips to Insure You Never Get Married

You can’t go anywhere anymore without seeing another article of dating tips to insure you get married. We here at Samurai Mohel think that with the Singles Crisis all set to destroy the earth, it’s time for something a lot more helpful, 10 Dating Tips to Insure You Never Ever Ever EVER Get Married.

Tip #1 Self-Esteem – Before each date stand in front of a full lenght mirror wearing only a towel and proclaim, “They don’t deserve me. They don’t deserve me. THEY DON’T DESERVE ME!” Everything else will follow.

Tip #2 Be Your Own Lawyer – Don’t think of it as a date, think of it as an interrogation session. The person you’re dating is the criminal and you have to be ready to catch them in their lies. Was that an inconsistency in their camp story? Are they leaving out a trip to the pharmacy because they don’t want you to know they’re taking CRAZY PILLS? Are they even the gender they claim to be? Be your own lawyer, press them on every point, assemble a flow chart of their inconsistencies. Happiness is only a browbeating away.

Tip #3 People Don’t Change – Remember people don’t change so if there’s anything annoying at all about your date, focus in on it for the rest of the date. Engage in horrifying fantasies of spending the rest of your life with someone who bites their fingernails, drops the N at the end of every other word and isn’t interested in the same things you are. When your horror builds to a peak pitch, RUN SCREAMING FROM THE TABLE.

Tip #4 Wishful Thinking – Spend the entire evening analyzing your date’s flaws in your head while picturing all the better people who could be out there for you. The people you deserve! No don’t bother to call them again. There’s someone better out here for you.

Tip #5 Your Best Friend – Marriage is supposed to be about finding a friend, right? So treat your date like your friend, regale them with sports color commentary, Gemara insights, gossip from your girlfriends and explicit details of that recipe you’ve been working on.

Tip #6 There’s No Such Thing As Too Much Information – Got a painful sore, an embarrassing physical condition, a story about your roommate’s sexual escapades? Now’s the time to share that and more. Also be sure to bring visual aids.

Tip #7 Let’s Get Down to Business – I’m a man, you’re a woman, let’s draw up a detailed list of responsibilities, dealbreakers and arrange our lives for the next 20 years. I’ll fax over the contract to you and you can have your people look it over, make a counter-offer and we’ll shoot it over to the lawyers.

Tip #8 Multiple Dates Means Multiple Fun – Choosing one person can be hard, but choosing between three people is much easier, just like shopping for a TV in a store full of them.

Tip #9 Nitpick, Nitpick, Nitpick – Happiness is only a thread away from being unraveled if you really work at it. Never trust a good thing, it’s probably bad inside anyway. Be sure to accentuate the negative, have unrealistic standards for everyone but yourself and grab on to the pettiest of issues to disguise your fear of commitment.

Tip #10 Premature Defeat – Why do I even bother going on these dates, they’re not going to like me anyway. I don’t even see the point anymore. I should just wear this bulky sweater, not shower and spit crumbs all over the table. If they’re really my Bashert, they’ll love me anyway.

Follow these tips well and not only can you avoid marriage entirely (except sadly for Tip 7) but you can even avoid having a second date.

So Who is your God Anyway?

Oh it’s a basic question I know. But who is God anyway?

The odds are that your answer to the question is based on a religious answer. Who is God? He’s the being that my religion tells me about.

So to answer the question of who God is, we first have to answer the question of what religion is. What is religion? There are two kinds of religion, one which imposes laws on the community from outside, and one which serves as an expression of the identity of the community.

The Aseret HaDibrot, the culmination of the Exodus from Egypt, was the first case. Hashem imposed that identity by shepherding the creation of Israel, beginning with the one man who recognized God on his own initiative, Avraham Avinu, culminating in forcefully taking Israel out of Egypt and dedicating the Jews to serve God alone.

Parshat Misphatim and all that leads up to it is really God telling the Jewish people, “I’m going to tell you who you are and how you’re going to live in the hopes that you’ll finally get this humanity thing right.”

And what do most of those laws consist of? Category one are ritual things that recognize God’s role in our lives. Category two consists of Google Laws, basically laws that tell you not to be evil, not to oppress others, and to live just lives.

These laws are not ideal, they are functional. They’re laws that a people a few thousand years ago could live with. It’s why we’re told “Lo Bashamayim Hi”. We were not given angelic laws. We were given human laws.

And who was God? He was the one who gave us those laws. Those laws were not about telling us who He was. But about us understanding who we were meant to be. He was the Lawgiver.

Now how does religion become corrupted? It becomes an expression of the identity of the community. Customs grow around rituals. Some are customs of dubious origin from idol worshippers. Rituals are added to, though the Torah specifically forbids that. Religion becomes a product of the culture of the community that keeps it, rather than the other way around. God stops being an object, and becomes a subject.

Now if religion is an expression of the community, who does the community worship? It worships itself, or rather its own power structure. A corrupted religion is centered on worshipping the power sources of a particular community or culture or nations. 

And so you have totems, ancestor worship and God-kings. All examples of a culture worshiping itself. You have popes. You have seers and gurus who serve as the intermediaries to God. Or Gedolim.

When a culture becomes the object of its own worship, when customs trump commandments, and when laws are constantly rearranged for the convenience of every time and era… the culture becomes its own religion. 

Ever heard minchagim referred to as holy or Gedolim as all knowing? You’re seeing a culture that believes it is God. 

And such religion always violates both categories of commandments that Hashem gave on Har Sinai. 1. Remember me and 2. Don’t be evil.

A religion that is a reflection of the community worships the communal power structure. Which means those in charge can do no wrong. So evil and oppression become the norm. Because the intermediaries have become God.

When the Nevim went to Israel with the message, stop being evil. They were naturally locked up or persecuted. Their message came from God, but the people they were talking to worshipped their own system.

We still do that today. Every fast day we may read from Yeshaya telling us that what God wants is not fasting, but for us to stop oppressing others. We nod along. And we keep on living in communities filled with corruption and oppression that always begin at the top. 

Gedolim worship is a culture worshipping its own power structure. For everyone who says we don’t have a pope, you’re right. We don’t have one pope. We have a lot of them. And that’s only because we’re too fragmented and argumentative to unite behind one pope. But it’s a difference that makes very little difference.

So who is God anyway? As far as a large part of us are concerned, it’s whoever the Gedolim say he is. Or more accurately it is the Gedolim. The Christians and Chabad simply took that to the next level. Start worshipping the intermediaries as gods themselves.

The more we cultivate minchagim, the more we impose a communal identity on Judaism, instead of listening to what the Torah says, the more we worship a community, instead of G-d. And when we do that, we actually can’t see the forest for the trees. We get tied down in details and we forget what God wants. 

The Aseret Hadibrot were a culminating event. They were the creation of a nation that would serve God. We mock Fiddler on the Roof Jews, but is your average Chassid any better? Does his religion come from God or from Slavic culture mediated by some scraps of Judaism, all the while speaking a German-Russian-Hebrew dialect, while worshipping a man as their intermediary to God?

Harsh, but true. 

We’re expected to believe that Moshe Rabbeinu, the Avot, the Shevatim, the Nevim, were fallible, but that the leaders of our current power structure are not? We’re expected to believe that Moshe could mangle Hashem’s message, as he did when he was told to speak to the rock, but that no one since then has?

What a load of crap. 

The “Heilige Yid” in the payos and tzizit, who robs the orphan and oppresses the widow, who won’t say Good Shabbos to you, and if he sees you struggling with a load walks on by… is everything that the Aseret HaDibrot were meant to stamp out.

The payos have nothing to do with Judaism. We’re forbidden to cut our hair in particular places. We’re never told to make a decoration of it. The Tzizit were never commanded by Hashem as a separate garment. And we’ve left of the Techeilet part entirely.

What we were commanded to do in no uncertain terms was not be evil. And that Unheilige Yid, who donates money to worthy causes, drives a Lexus and talks loudly in Shul on his cell phone, is evil.

Yet he rules us, for as long as the community is the object of our worship. For as long as turn to a system ruled by Gedolim and the whole court they have built around them, the Askanim and the Machers, the “Rabbis” who issue press releases and write columns and popularized seforim.

A religion that reflects a culture and community, rather than guides it will always turn to evil, because evil comes from power, and those in power will rule a community. It will always anger Hashem because those in power will always oppress those who do not have power. The kings did it then, the machers are doing it today.

So who is your God anyway?

SEXUAL PREDITORS IN OUR COMMUNTIES – 2ND ANNUEL REPORT

This is my 2nd Annual Report on Sexual Preditors in our Communities. My first report was last week and since it is January or February now, this is my 2nd report for the year. There might be more, it depends on if I can make more appointments at the library without anyone seeing me.

Sexual Preditors in our Communities is a very important topic. As you know there are millions of sexual preditors in our communities. Every few days you hear of someone getting sexual predated on for no reason at all, and no one wants to do anything about it except me. I say we should all be speaking out about this very serious problem but obviously you all disagree because you are not paying attention to me and my AdSense is not making me any money. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Issues to Report

1.  This is not a joke - Some people have mailed me to ask me if this is a joke. This is not a joke. Sexual preditoring is a very serious matter and should not be taken over by lightheaded people.

Some have abused my REPORT A SEXUAL PREDITOR feature to send messages saying that I am the Sexual Preditor. This is completely false and also it is Lashon Hara.

I am not a Sexual Preditor. I think I would know if I was a Sexual Preditor. For example I drive a van, and I sometimes look after little boys and I hang around the Mikvah late at night when the women are leaving… so with all those oppurtunities if I was a Sexual Preditor, I would be Sexually Preditoring a lot believe me. But I’m not.

2. I need a Column – Sexual Preditoring is a very serious issue so I have proposed that Jewish newpspaers should make a SEXUAL PREDITORIAL run by me to denounce that sort of thing that would be called THE SEXUAL PREDITORIAL WITH MOSHE HEIMLICH. Also they would pay me for it. Several newspapers turned me down saying they already have plenty of Sexual Preditors on staff that they don’t need to pay.

3. Sexual Preditorizing in Nature – I just discovered that a lot of Sexual Preditorizing goes on in nature and people should do something about it. I am not sure what. Like this one time I was in Shiur and I saw one dog sexually preditorizing another, and the Menahel came over and smacked me on the head, and told me if I kept on this way I would become a homosexual. I have not done that since and I am pretty sure I am not a homosexual.

4. That Strange Guy down the Block – There is a strange guy down the block who keeps staring at me every time I go into his store. He is Korean or something Chinese or maybe he has bad eyes or something. Anyway he stares at me a lot, especially when I am stealing from him. I think he might be a Sexual Preditor.

5. Driving a Van is Really Boring – Driving a Van is really very boring. A lot of people don’t know that. I began this blog about Sexual Preditors hoping to make money so I don’t have to drive a van to make extra money, but so far I am not making anything from AdSense. I wonder if there is more money in being a Sexual Preditor than in denouncing them? If there are any Sexual Preditors reading this blog, please drop me a message to let me know how much you make an hour.

6. Sexual Preditorizing All Over the Internet – I did some searches not long ago on the internet about Sexually Preditorizing and discovered that there are hundreds of websites full of pictures and video of Sexual Preditorization. So I spent many hours browsing them, and downloading some as evidence for my report. The people at the library gave me strange looks, but I told them I was only doing it to fight terrible crimes.

Also I am almost certain my Menahel was wrong.

7. I have to Go Drive the Van Now – I have to go drive the van now because my pager is going off like crazy. Most people don’t have pagers anymore but I am behind the times on technology. Also with a pager the government can’t track what you’re doing from space, like they do to everyone else.

If you have any more ideas how I can stop Sexual Preditors so I don’t have to spend a lot of time driving a van, drop me a message,

 PROTECTING YOU FROM SEXUAL PREDITORS

Moshe Heimlich

How the Cult of Love Destroys Marriage and Happiness

But it’s not just about a pagan derived Catholic holiday transformed into a Greeting Card holiday symbolized by a cartoon vulva, it’s about the entire stupidity of the Cult of Love that comes with it.

There are two kinds of holidays out there. The kind that give you a larger perspective on life as part of their celebration, Judaism and many religions are full of those, and the kind that are pure self-indulgence. Guess which kind Valentine’s Day is?

Love is an emotion and nothing says self-indulgence like a holiday that puts emotion on a grand throne and demands that everyone gather around to worship it. 

But Valentine’s Day is just one of the worst cartoonish excesses in the pantheon of the Great Western Cult of Love. It’s not just the one day men take to reassure the women in their lives that they haven’t been ignoring them the other 364 days, when in fact they have. (See Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Secretaries Day, Yom Kippur and Black History Month for other examples of this phenomenon.) It’s the day that takes the most obnoxious qualities of the Cult of Love, to show even the dimmest person what a fraud the whole thing really is.

Love Uber Alles has all but destroyed marriage in the Western world. It turned formerly stable values into a child’s game of hopscotch. It kicked Reason out of its chair, and replaced it with Whim. Why? Because Love is nothing more than the supremacy of emotion, and making emotion supreme leads you to one place and one place alone, pathetic self-indulgence.

The Cult of Love insists that it is the ultimate sublime experience. Centuries of hack dramas from Shakespeare on down insist that love is worth dying for. What they don’t show you is that in real life after Romeo and Juliet got rushed to Mount Verona Hospital and had their stomachs pumped, twenty years later they were throwing things at each other, and Juliet was sleeping with Mercutio. 

That’s what happens with love. It’s interesting dramatically only as long as everyone dies, or remains otherwise miserable. The great love stories of our time or any time end in death or deprivation. That’s because love dramatized is misery dramatized. Take the drama out of the equation, and the emotions fade away, leaving the challenges of married life that self-indulgent people aren’t prepared to handle. 

And yes that stupidity has infected the Frum world leading to a much higher divorce rate. Marriage works when it’s a commitment by people who have shared values, and understand that they’re in a partnership, not some sort of undying thrilling emotional adventure that will never fade. Because like all emotion it does. 

Love is only an emotion that cloaks a biological impulse. It’s why parents instinctively love their children, and men and women love each other. And love as biological drive isn’t just limited to humans.

Take another look at that red Cartoon heart you’ll be seeing everywhere around Valentine’s Day. It’s not a heart. It doesn’t look anything like an actual heart. It’s a cartoon vulva, an image for love that derives from pagan times when they were cruder, but marginally more honest about human nature. 

That’s right, the sticker you’ve been putting up everywhere is nothing more than cartoon genitals. I’m not even going to try parsing what that means for the people wearing “I Heart New York” shirts, but that doesn’t make it any less funny and obscene.

Love is a biological impulse. It doesn’t always have to come down to the cartoon heart that isn’t actually a heart, but it’s always biology. Think about how even many modern love stories begin with the male taking a  protective role with the woman, or the woman taking a nurturing role with the man. We may be more sophisticated than the average bear, but we don’t exist biologically apart from the rest of the natural world, and we have many of the same biological drives of your average bear, woodchuck or manatee. They just manage without selling cartoon genital greeting cards to celebrate the whole process.

Love is not some sort of grand mystery, it’s an emotion. It’s only mysterious because emotions are a psychological stew bubbling on top of a fleshy kettle.

When two people feel the same emotion for each other, they’re in love, or in hate, or in frustration. (These three by the way overlap a lot.) But that isn’t as big a deal as you might think. Emotions might be mutual but they aren’t transcendent. Which is why trying to build anything more permanent on them is a lot like trying to build the Taj Mahal out of sand by the seashore. Sure it’ll look pretty, but not for long.

Two people may feel the same species of emotion at the same time, but that isn’t actually an enduring bond, because they’re still individuals in the grip of an individual emotion. Which is why 6 months after they’re in love and happily married, one or the other can stop feeling the emotion for them, and start feeling it for someone else. The illusion of mutual love leads people down the garden path, but you can’t synchronize emotions, the way you can mutual trust. 

And that’s how the divorce rate skyrocketed, as people began building a future based on the emotion they were feeling at a given moment. Stupid wasn’t it? The divorce rates tell the tale because you can’t build a marriage on emotion, you have to build it on far more solid ground than that. Yet the Cult of Love so prevalent in the West insists on just the opposite. “If you love them they will come.” They might come, but they probably won’t last.

Emotions are fragile things, and the bad ones endure longer than the good ones. Worse still emotion is fundamentally self-indulgent. There is no such thing as an unselfish emotion, only an outwardly unselfish emotion. Emotions are expressions of personal needs and desires. And without a rational base, relationships based on emotion will self-destruct when needs and desires evolve or change.

The Cult of Love has torn apart marriage replacing it with a cartoon female body part, which is exactly the way things are now, with one night stands, hookups, short term relationships, slightly longer term relationships in which men have sex with women, and women wait around to be asked to marry them, while wondering if this is what love is supposed to be about.

The Cult of Love panders to both men and women, while ultimately frustrating them both, and leaving them in a childlike state, with men in perpetual heat and women in perpetual need. And Valentine’s Day reconciles the two, exchanging flowers and chocolates for a night of faux romance. A fitting metaphor for the whole tawdry mess.

What sets us apart from the animals is not emotion, it’s reason. It’s being able to rationally evaluate a situation and make a pledge of loyalty and eternal commitment based on an honest view of the other individual, rather than the stew of hormones bubbling in the endocrine system.

Love is nothing more than a drug meant to accelerate a biological drive. Loyalty however is what truly counts when given by a rational actor to another rational actor.

So put away the cartoon genitals and start using your head. The frum world is not immune from the stupidity of the Cult of Love. We are Westerners. Yes even the Chassidim and the Haredim, though they may deny it until their ears bleed. The problems of society at large are our problems too. 

Like all cults, the Cult of Love requires devoted gullible followers eager to believe that happiness and redemption are just around the corner. And like all cults, the Cult of Love frustrates its followers over and over again making for lots of exciting drama, and nothing else.

Pursuing happiness is the worst possible way to find it. Emotional experiences are based around highs and lows. Love is no different. That is why love stories end in tragedy. To find happiness you have to let go of emotion, and let it come to you from satisfaction in your accomplishments, not in the pursuit of another emotional\chemical high.

Happiness is not in your heart or your genitals anymore than it is in a drug vial. It is in your mind, as Judaism knew all along. Emotions are not the answer. Living a good life based on good enduring values is. Love is nothing more than a chemical steeplechase cloaking a biological drive that takes you up and down and leaves you miserable and wanting more. That’s what a drug does. And that’s what the Cult of Love really is.

Emotional addiction to love is drug addiction cloaked in an entire dramatic culture based around promoting its greatness. This Valentine’s Day, maybe it’s time to kick the habit.

THE SEXUAL PREDITOR PROBLEM

Sexual Preditor Report Issue 1

Many bloggers today in the Jewish community is talking about the VERY SERIOUS problem of Sexual Preditors. Once before no one knew about Sexual Preditors and they were able to Sexually Predate at free will. Jewish newspapers in the “Frum” world still refuse to print information about Sexual Preditors, such as that they have beards and things inside their pants they do to you with.

I have learned about this Sexual Preditor problem only very recently and am working my behind off to bring you public information about the SEXUAL PREDITOR problem that mainstream Jewish newspapers will not bring you, because they are full of advertisements instead.

Here are some important facts about SEXUAL PREDITORS everyone needs to know, whether they want to or not

1. Sexual Preditors can look like anyone

While Sexual Preditors are often Rebbes or Mikvah ladies, the truth is that Sexual Preditors can be anyone. They can be your neighbor, your proctologist or even your friendly old grandmother. Yes she looks nice, but what if she is really a Sexual Preditor disguised as your friendly old grandma?

Look in the mirror in the bathroom when you are showering. If you see two people there, the one who is not you, may be a sexual preditor. Unless you shower with other people, though this is wrong. Or you are hallucinating.

2. Avoid Sexual Preditors

This is hard because Sexual Preditors can be anywhere. Sexual Preditors can hide behind the door when you come in, and then they jump out and yell, “Boo, I am a Sexual Preditor!” and then you cannot do anything, because they have already yelled at you and made you feel bad and dirty.

Yeshivas have many Sexual Preditors so you should not go to any. I go to a Yeshiva, but every time I walk in I yell, “I See You Sexual Preditors, Go Away!” which is why I never get sexually predated much, and they usually just let me steal food from the refrigitator without saying anything.

3. Report Sexual Preditors

If you see someone sexually predating, report them right away to me. Send me an email to SexualPreditorReporting@msn.com and whenever I see them I will yell at them that they are a Sexual Preditor, also I will post it at my blog. This will immediately get me more traffic.

4. Famous Sexual Preditors

Famous people are more likely to be sexual preditors as being famous gives them all kinds of sexual urges. So be very careful around famous people, and do not ask them for their autograph as they may take it the wrong way.

Here are some famous people who were also sexual preditors

A. All Rebbes

B. Slomo Carlibach

C. All Rabbis

D. Mordekai Ben David

E. Yeedle

F. That guy who sings that song, I forget the words, something about Kol VeNoam?

G. Everyone in Frum Music

H. That guy who hangs around the pizza store looking strange at me.

I. Maybe you? Who says you’re not? Prove it! I demand that you prove it right now!

5. Sexual Preditors is a Very Important Issue

At first I did not know what to make my blog about. At first I thought I would make it about AdSense tips, but I have no tips because I make no moneys with AdSense because I have no traffic. Then I thoguht what about driving vans. But my friend told me no one wants to read a blog about driving vans because that is stupid. So I will write about sexual preditors now and alert people to the problem and then I can get some AdSense and give people SEO tips, which I think is something sexual preditors do to you… I am still figuring this internet thing out.

Anyway if you are in Boro Park and see a Sexual Preditor, tell me about it. Also I will soon try to have a guest blog from an actual Sexual Preditor (my grandmother) to try and make them see what they tick and why?

For the Sexual Preditor Report, this is your host and protector

Moishe Heimlich

The Invisible Woman

“I am an invisible man. No, I am not a trace or a special effect. I have at least a physical referent. I have bone and flesh and sinew and gristle. I have angers and passions… I am invisible, then, not because of some accident of biology, some genetic mishap, but because of a peculiar disposition of the eyes of the people who look at me.

I would often bump up against people who, surprised at being bumped and jostled by an invisible man, would cry out and shove me. I cannot blame them, when you think you know where someone stands, of course you get angry when they turn out

to be somewhere else and you trip over them as you go about your business.”

The Invisible Man, Ralph Ellison

“EDITORIAL CLARIFICATION: From our first day of publication, Mispacha following the ruling of Gedolei Yisrael, has implemented a policy of not publishing the pictures of women even if there are no breaches of tznius associated with the picture. We are sensitive to the feelings of readers who wish to avoid looking at pictures of women in all circumstances. We feel it is appropriate to honor their wish so that they too can enjoy Mispacha magazine without lowering their level of observance.”

Mispacha Magazine

Sensitive. Feelings. Gedolim. What a great mix of modern SensitivtySpeak (TM) and FrumFallback (TM). Of course there’s no need to be sensitive to half the Jewish people who may not want to be turned into invisible people just because some readers don’t want to look at them or remember that they exist. They don’t matter. As usual only the InsaneChumra (TM) crowd does. Everyone else must accommodate their insanity.

It’s not about Tznius. It’s about the existence of women, period. It doesn’t matter how she’s dressed. Her crime is being a woman. And woman = sin. There’s nothing a woman can do to escape that, her very presence apparently causes sin, in those oversensitive souls. Once upon a time people like that would have gained a reputation for holiness by never leaving the house. Today they want to leave the house, and expect everyone else to stay home or stay out of their way.

This same warped thinking brings us separate sidewalks and shopping hours. Because if you can cut a woman out of a photo, why not cut her out of real life too?

And so we get the Invisible Woman, you’re not supposed to see her, but she’s there anyway. After all someone has to go out and work while the sensitive souls learn in Kollel and someone’s family has to pay for the house and buy the watch and the Tallit with the silver atarah. Someone has to raise the kids until the boys are old enough to spend all their time in Yeshiva and the girls can be put on the fast track to being married off to underwrite another Kollel family. She has to do all this and be invisible too.

“I am invisible, then, not because of some accident of biology, some genetic mishap, but because of a peculiar disposition of the eyes of the people who look at me.”

It’s a truly sad state of affairs when the Charedi world not only has to treat half  its population like crap but demands that they be invisible too. Because just their walking down the street or standing in a kitchen inspires sin.

These pretzels are making me thirsty. This woman is making me sinful. I’m not the one doing it. This photo of Laura Bush is. Funny that the Aseret HaDibrot only mentions married women, but coveting goes on anyone’s property. If we followed that reasoning, a picture of someone else’s house should be assur in a magazine, not that of an unmarried woman or a 10 year old girl. But we don’t follow the Aseret HaDibrot, we follow the rulings of Gedolei Yisrael, whichever of them rule something or supposedly rule it, or are intimidated by Kanoyim into ruling it.

So bring on the Lifestyles of the Machers and Rebbes, but don’t you dare show a woman in your paper.

Anyone who really can’t look at a picture of a woman should be consistent enough never to leave the house or go anywhere where he might encounter women. He either has a massive Yetzer Hara or is a Chassid Soteh. Or both. But if you’re going to drive into Manhattan, and then claim that your frumkeit prevents you from being able to tolerate women in a magazine, you’re full of crap.

“I would often bump up against people who, surprised at being bumped and jostled by an invisible man, would cry out and shove me. I cannot blame them, when you think you know where someone stands, of course you get angry when they turn out

to be somewhere else and you trip over them as you go about your business.”

It really is a sad state of affairs when women are reduced to reading something like The Moon’s Lost Light which makes the controversial claim that yes, G-d made women stupid, but since Moshiach is coming soon, they might just be getting smart enough to open a Gemara if they really want to.

Fantastic. You know that Ve’Ahavta Le’Reacha thing, it doesn’t apply to women. How about Hillel’s rule? Nope, doesn’t either.

But for a moment imagine if a non-Jewish magazine published that Mispacha photo, but instead of cutting out Laura Bush, they cut out the two Rabbis, and explained that some of their readers prefer not to look at pictures of Jews, and they want everyone to be able to enjoy their magazine.

What would that be? Right. Anti-Semitism. How does that apply to the current situation? Look up Hillel, maybe he can explain it to you.

Women are not sin incarnate. Men are not animals. If we can all agree on that, maybe we can start treating each other like human beings for a change, instead of photoshopping the First Lady out of the White House’s Kosher Kitchen while dressing in black and heading to certain private apartments in Manhattan to satisfy your yetzer hara. It’s just a thought, but who knows what could come from it.

Peace, out.

A Guide for Interfaith Families Celebrating the Holidays

It’s that time of year again. Holiday Season. What holiday? Don’t ask too many questions. The devil is in the details, also on parts of Fifth Avenue and hanging around loitering suspiciously in the Wall Street area.

It’s that special Holiday time when families composed of a mommy and daddy who believe in different Gods (or more likely don’t believe in one at all) have to decide how many holidays they’re celebrating, in what order and why the Jews nailed Santa to a giant Menorah.

Sure they could have thought of this before they got married, but they were convinced it was going to be one of those simple little problems that could be solved with an affordable book from the STUPID LIFE DECISIONS section of the bookstore. And while there are no shortage of books, DVD’s and VCR instruction manuals on the subject… none of them get around the basic problem. Not even INTERMARRIAGE FOR DUMMIES or WORSHIPING DIFFERENT GODS TOGETHER FOR IDIOTS.

But we’re Americans. We want things solved quickly and we want them solved now. Like Iraq, or oil prices or TV dinners.

With that in mind, let’s harness the problem solving energy of an Iraqi TV dinner made out of Crude Oil with an IED stuck in the center… and solve this whole damn interfaith couple holiday celebration problem.

1. The Chanukah Bush

You’ve probably heard of the Chanukah Bush already. No it’s not what happens when George W. Bush lights a Menorah. It’s an attempt to combine an Ashera tree with a ceremony celebrating how the Jews drove the Greek Pagans out of the Temple. That’s right up there with trying to make a Black KKK. Sure you could do it, but it really misses the point.

But if you’re determined to degrade two sets of religious traditions in order to maintain the fiction that this whole mess is workable, here’s an easy guide to making your own Chanukah Bush.

First buy a Christmas Tree. Put lots of ornaments on it. Add a bunch of Menorah candles. Light them. Wait for the tree to begin burning. Try to put out the fire with a fire extinguisher. Stay close to the floor while crawling out of the nearest exit. Call the Fire Department. Collect your insurance money. Try to think of the experience as a metaphor for your marriage.

2. Talking to the Children

Sure you could go the circuitous route, but let’s cut to the chase. The best way to tell the children the truth is to be honest. Or we can just get it straight from the mouth of babes.

“Mommy and Daddy decided they loved each other more than God or their heritage, and so they got married. Except now Mommy calls Daddy a Kike, and Daddy calls Mommy a Shiksa, so that didn’t work out so well. Now at the end of every year we get a big batch of burned cookies shaped like Dreidels and Christmas Wreaths.”

3. Buy a Book

Everyone knows self-help books can surmount any problems. The Samurai Mohel recommends, Padre Rabbi Flannery O’Goldstein’s MOMMY IS A SHIKSA AND DADDY IS A KIKE. There are pop up pictures too, and an attached miniature fire extinguisher.

It doesn’t really matter because at 16 your kids will either become Zen Buddhists, Evangelical Christians, Orthodox Jews or Serial Killers. Or a few of those things at the same time. Don’t bother trying to fight it. It’s inevitable.

4. What the Hell Do We Do Now?

One of you could convert and repress your rage, while the other feels uncomfortable and begins to resent you right back. Or you could finally get that divorce you’ve been talking about. Or you could celebrate Festivus. Of course Festivus originated when a Seinfeld writer’s crazy father made them sit in the dark and traumatized them for hours, and like all childhood traumas eventually made for great comedy. You can also move to Easter Island, where every day is WORSHIP THE GIANT HEAD DAY.

5. I Don’t Have to Listen to This!

You’re right, you don’t. Close the page. It’s not that hard.

6. Judaism and Christianity are compatible.

Sure they are, just ask Rabbi Cardinal Shmuel Capistranno

7. I Wanted Useful Tips for an Interfaith Holiday

There is no such thing as an Interfaith Holiday. That’s an idea invented by marketing executives, just like using Holiday, instead of specifying which one you’re talking about.

Try telling someone you were born on a Holiday. Then when they keep asking you what Holiday, you keep repeating, HOLIDAY, WHAT ARE YOU DEAF?

There is no Chrismukkah or compatibility between Chanukah and Christmas except at the shopping mall where all holidays get rendered down into credit card debt and long lines. Chanukah and Christmas are not just traditions, they’re expressions of belief in two radically different visions and versions of history.

Christmas celebrates the birth of a deity the Jews supposedly killed, before the religion he spawned spread across the Greek and Roman world. Chanukah celebrates the Jews kicking the Greeks out of their country for trying to make them worship gods who were born, died and needed loincloths to cover up their embarrassing parts. Do you see the connection?

Chanukah and Christmas hate each other’s guts. If they were members of the same family, they would be in therapy. If you try to make your family celebrate both at the same time, you will be in therapy. Celebrating both at the same time is like trying to vote Democratic and Republican in one election. No matter how you try to make it work, eventually there will be a recount and your vote will only count once, if it’s even counted at all.

It’s possible to have an Atheist or Agnostic or Satanist family, but not an Interfaith family. If no single belief wins out, then what’s left is a big blank space.

20. What’s the Point of All This?

Suppose I have a Lexus and a Cadillac and I decide that they’re both such great cars that I want to drive them both at the same time. Now I’m obviously some kind of crazy rich Hillbilly, but that’s not the point. People try and tell me that I’m wrong, but I’m too drunk on moonshine to listen.

So I stick one foot in one car and one foot in the other. One hand in one car and one hand in the other. After a lot of acrobatics, I still can’t get either car started. Finally I decide that the only way to make my fantasy of a LexusCaddy come true, is by crashing one car into the other.

That’s exactly what I do. Two cars smash into each other in a crumpled mess of steel and leaking gasoline. Now I have an interfaith car.

Any questions? Direct them to Monsignor Rabbi Pierre Cohen at the Abbey of Our Lady of Perpetual Slivovitz. I’m done for for the evening.

Soho Synagogue Celebrates Greek Victory over Jews

At Soho Synagogue, the Synagogue with no visible address or prayer times, which mainly seems to hold endless posh fundraisers, finally a celebration of the authentic Hellenistic spirit.

We’ve got marble pillars, lots of liquor and babes. Pay special attention to the girls in short skirts playing music as they take you back to the glory of Greece and its defeat of the Judean interlopers. Enjoy some champagne. Flirt. Wear as little as you can get away with. Because at Soho Synagogue, the Greeks have won. And with debauchery like this being on the winning side is fun. Come redefine Hannukah at Soho Synagogue… if you can find it without a hefty check.

Religion is option. Dignity is optional. So are Kippas. A big bank account however is mandatory. This is the kind of “Synagogue” the Macabees tried to wipe out, but who says Hellenism is dead anyway?

Who really needs religious values, when you can just have money. Who needs content, when you can have style? Who needs integrity, when you can do anything and hide behind Kiruv. Kiruv demands we build an altar and sacrifice some kids on it. Think of how it will appeal to the Moloch worshipers, and then we can transition them to doing mitzvos!

Remember it’s not religion that matters, just doing random individual mitzvos, and convincing somebody to say a Bracha before he goes off with his Dutch girlfriend to drive to Connecticut. That’s how we’re gonna bring Moshiach! Not.

Whatcha lookin at Willis? Ain’t nothing pagan here.

Dreaming of Meshugas by Neveilah

(Neveilah is a simple woman with Dreams of Meshugas. She dreams of Meshugas and writes about it on her own blog. Where do her dreams of Meshugas come from? Is she a Navi or a Naviette? Maybe. Is she a direct pipeline to Shamayim? Could well be. Is she off her medication and running her own cult? It’s entirely possible.)

Dreaming of Meshugas

by Neveilah

I dreamed of Moshiach last night and he told me that woman are total foxes in his view. I told him no one has used foxy for women since the 80s. He backed up from me and said… Begone Hussy!!!

I was taken up in a whirlwind to a place called Lasharai ha Marabein which loosely translated means “nothing” since it was told to me in *tongues*. Yes dear gentile reader, I found out xians are correct. And speaking in tongues especially through a demonically possessed paranoid schizophrenic, this is very holy,  in that nothing place I was beaten with 10 rods of almond decorated with Xmas lights and told to shut my mouth.

Then I woke up and found I was sleeping in the remains of the coffee I had downed the night before. After changing into dry clothing I began my intensive study of the works of the holy maarooha who tells us that women are sinful vessels of sin and sinful sinners of sin too. Their luscious bodies are tantalizing men day and night!! These wanton hussies of hell are the cause of all rotten things on earth and even hell!

Yes my gentile reader, even hell is effected by the sin of evil sheitlach topped women who show the tips of fingers like the sluts they are. Imagine them as they walk down the streets and the backs of their shoes showing where men can see them and have dreams and lusting that goes on for hours and days and months and  years…

Longing and filled with all kiinds of lustful passion and lust and more lust and more passion and even uncontrollable drooling. As is known, the only way for women to redeem the world is by adopting the title “little moshiach” or moshiacha ktana and then having dreams that are holy like I do.

I dream these dreams of men in lustful rampages night after night after long lonely night alone in my apartment. I see these poor besotted men longing for women.  I feel their longing!!! It is my lot in life and my holy mission to tell you all about it ad nauseum.

Over the last few months it has been my privilege to get to know a  young woman named Shprintzele Ruckheizer who is not only autistic but also classified as a genuine moron. Her uncontrolled fits of rage and violence are really messages from on high as she bites and kicks and scratches those around her, I and others who approach the madrega of tzarat gadol can read the lines of blood and gore as they run down the arms of the victims of her rage, in these we find pure prophecy, the purest.  It is almost as good as reading the entrails of goats, though not quite.

Today while looking at the deep gouges that Shprintzele had made on her dear Rabbi’s foot, I saw a message of warning about the women of America and Israel and their sheitels of DOOM. Yes the word DOOM was there as plain as can be. We are doomed because of badly made sheitlach, and sheitelmachers who just dont give a hoot about their clientele. Oh the infamy of a bad haircut!  It was revealed to me as I went into a stupor that these sheitels are all made of 100% pagan hair!!! No matter what the label says, it is all pagan and evil.  (Dear gentile reader some of them actually lit up this past Halloween!)

I say to you now in real navi sheker form that women must be controlled through hypnotism or they will condemn the world to obesity. Only when women all shave their headers and wear yellow raincoats everywhere they go will Moshiach finally come (who might be me in drag).

I used to look at myself in a sheitel before I knew the truth and do you know what was revealed to me by the holy ones??? It was that I was ugly and that my sheitel looked like a bed bug infested nest on top of my head!!! Now, that is not pulling any punches and is the truth!!! You dont hear this kind of truth on other blogs, you just do not!!! And why is that? Because I am the real deal, pal. I am a real prophetess and a genUine Tzadakes.

It isn’t easy for me to admit this in public, especially a public laden with lust filled males who look at me longingly as I parade around in my burka. Yes, they are even filled with passion and lust by the mere thought of me in my burka,  they long to know what is underneath and how fat I really am!!! But, dear reader, only I know that.

I have never been seen without my burka since the day I realized my sheitel was receiving messages from the mother ship. Oh yes, I tried lining it with tin foil like other frum women.  I tried waxed paper too but it melted down on my face in summer.  I even tried covering it with a Yankees baseball cap. As is known, ball caps have magic power to repel the sitra achra. But it was to no avail. There simply is no way to avoid the evil messages that are beamed down into the very hairs of a woman’s head and even into the FAKE HAIR OF A PAGAN SHEITEL!

This little known fact was revealed to me and now I and the holy Rav Meyer Spinachski, who passed away 300 years ago in Southern France but who came to me in a dream, confirm to you it is the truth. Only by burning your expensive hand tie dyed sheitlach on a funeral pyre made of old cinnamon buns and copies of the Sunday New York Times, can you destroy the evil therein.

(WARNING: do NOT try this at home. I am a professional blog writer so its ok for me) it’s life giving truth!

Instead bring your filthy sin filled sheitlach to my house,  I will sell them on eBay  and send the proceeds to Rav Spinachski so that he might retire in peace in Tel Aviv where there are no immodest women to distract him. He is worn out with chasing women around all his life in his effort to reform them according to his own views, especially on the beaches in his speedo bathing suit secure in the knowledge no evil women can see him and lust after him! Or worse yet… cause him to lust after them!

Modesty is the watchword that was heard before Assyria attacked Israel. Modesty was the word heard in a kol isha from mars  just as Nevuchanetzer attacked. Modesty was the byword for so much of our history. And in 70 CE It was that great hero Herod the Great… whom Jews loved and whom Hashem put in power,  who said.. Modesty is my middle name!

I urge you all to live a modest life out of the public eye, just like me.  Put all thought from your mind. Why think when  you have so many rabbis whose views I made up and Me to do it for you? Our souls and minds are clean unlike yours. So you can relax and coast on into eternity on our merit!!!  Just let us fill your minds from now on.

Some ladies have asked me how I now cover my hair since sheitels are so evil. Well when I was seeking a way to stop the transmissions from the mother ship,  I found that Charmin toilet paper was the best.  Soft, comfortable and non chaffing,  it is form fitting and looks quite nice wrapped around the head many times in a lovely turban just like our Yishmaeli sisters.  It creates a soft fluffy turban like appearance that is useful in other ways too.

I recommend it highly as some fabrics used for tichels and snoods are pagan.  In fact… most of them are not made by holy Jews but by people of very dubious background who have never read my blog so they are by their very origin… pagan!!!  Only Charmin fits the bill for proper hair covering.  Please remember though that  you must avoid the rain as it is both wet and very pagan.

One other thing before I must go for the evening. When walking outside women must take into consideration the rain which has been sucked up from the ground by clouds. and falls from who knows what pagan filled nation this can render all your clothing dirty and rotten and can soil and despoil men around you. Therefore women are counseled to remain inside unless the weather is nice.

Only in the merit of staying out of the rain will the holy women of our generation (me) bring Moshiach (also me).

Remember : Women are holier than holy. And women are filthy and sinful. If you are a man avoid these holy sinful filthy wanton tramps as much as you can. They will bring Moshiach.

Autistics tell us Moshiach’s first name is Howard. Full name Howard M. Moshiach. No wait, I’m getting another message from the mothership. His name is Joyce. His first name is Joyce. Joyce Moshiach.

The End