Welcome to Israel. The bombs are falling. The rockets are falling and the Rabbis who are happy to keep this government in power have found a crucial issue to tackle— all those frum women walking around in bikinis!

Oh wait, they’re not actually walking around in bikinis. Maybe their blouses are only 3 inches longer than their waist or maybe they’ve had to let out their waist. Or maybe they’re actually wearing denim. Either way it’s the gravest threat to Kedushat Klal Yisroel since the Chet HaEigel.

Have we not all forgotten how we lost a Beis Hamikdash because of Sinas Chinam Tznius. Listen well.

Under the guidance and encouragement of maranan verabonon gedolei Yisroel including Maran HaRav Eliashiv shlita, the Mishmar HaTorah Beis Din was set up to deliberate and to issue clear instructions regarding modest appearance for women. Benos Yisroel kesheiros vetzenuos yearn to hear dvar Hashem — zu halochoh in order to know how to conduct themselves, what attire the Torah permits and proper conduct in other matters of Torah and modesty.

Funny how Tznius was a Da’at Yehudit in the first place. Now we require an entire Beit Din to tell women how they can and can’t dress.

Hear the Dvar Hashem! Wow. Last time I checked you can open up a Tanach and hear the Dvar Hashem. You don’t need the Beit Din for a Dvar Hashem. You need a Beit Din to threaten people with Chumras that have nothing to do with Dvar Hashem.

Is this Beit Din going to stop the practice of the bleach squads? Is this Beit Din going to fight the torching of stores whose clothing doesn’t match their chumras or is going to encourage it. What does Dvar Hashem have to say about people who destroy the property of others, outright Gezeilah in the name of a Chumra?

“Although many of them are uninformed or inattentive [regarding these matters], they are dressed in a manner not in keeping with the ways of modesty according to halochoh.

Those stupid flighty women. They just can’t be trusted to pay attention when Rabbonim are speaking to them about the importance of not dressing in denim and making sure their skirts have no slits in them.

But we can’t blame them after all– they’re only stupid women. Since we can’t trust them with something important like the clothing they wear, just with minor stuff like taking care of children and earning a living for their families doing jobs Indians won’t do… while their husbands surf for porn on their not so Kosher cell phones– we’ll lecture them some more on how the evil power of their hair is driving frum men mad with crazed lust.

This issue is of the utmost importance to [Am Yisroel] and the future of kedushas Yisroel depends on upholding the modesty guidelines.

You’d think the war in Israel might be important to the future of Am Yisroel, yet some of these same rabbis will be backing Olmert’s government but who really cares if three millions Jews die in the flash of an atom so long as we can put out another tape on the importance of making sure hemlines aren’t too long and aren’t too short but are just darn right!

The beis din has already issued a letter noting the importance of not following the ways of the non-Jews in terms of clothing and hairstyles, which is brought down in halochoh, in order to remain distinct from them in terms of clothing and conduct

Bwaaaahaaaaaa. I knew Moshe Rabbeinu used to wear a black hat! And I bet he wore loafers too. Chukah HaGoyim? You people are talking about following non-Jews in clothing and hairstyles? All your bloody clothing and hairstyles came from Goyim in the first place. You think the black hat was a Jewish invention.

You want clothing that’s not Bechukas Hagoyim, ask an archeologist or an anthropologist for what Jews used to wear. And then watch as you aren’t allowed in a single Beis Medrash because you’re not dressed like a Polish Sheygetz of the 17th century.

The letter also says that girls’ schools and seminaries have an even stronger obligation to stand firm against breaches by the staff, the students and the students’ mothers, both at school and away from school, including at family celebrations.

Nothing will escape our grasp for we have X-Ray vision (which makes modest clothing pointless but who cares) if you wear denim at a family celebration, we know and then we’ll spray you with bleach! In your eyes!

“We are certain,” write gedolei Yisroel, “that acheinu bnei Yisroel hayerei’im ledevar Hashem will pledge to safeguard kedushas Yisroel and be cautious and exacting in all of the halochos and guidelines

I’d point out the irony of ACHEINU BNEI YISRAEL (yes I know it’s generic and includes women but it’s still ironic as hell that even when they’ve gotten through setting up a system for controlling women, they still can’t address or acknowledge the women themselves– maybe it would be too prust) but we’re dealing with people to whom that kind of irony is a closed book.


  1. rabbi sedley says:

    everyone knows that it is easier to tell husbands to control their wives than to actually get the men to do anything. and we all know that the bombs and wars are only caused by bitul torah, and the only reason for bitul torah is that the women are not dressed properly. furthermore if you have a kosher phone it is impossible for anything bad to ever happen.
    Oh, and I also believe in the tooth fairy and am sure that Michael Jackson has never had plastic surgery.
    Your cynicism is inspirational to us all.
    Rabbi S

  2. samuraimohel says:

    it’s always easiest to blame whoever isn’t in power for whatever’s wrong and women are definitely not in power

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