Lakewood News We Don’t Care About

This is Lakewood News We Don’t Care About

Modern Orthodox Jews Discovered in Lakewood

Lakewood Mayor Meir Lichtenstein has called for a speedy police investigation after reports came of Modern Orthodox Jews in Lakewood.

“The Blacks and the Mexicans are one thing, at least they clean our toilets, but modern Orthodox Jews we draw the line,” said Rabbi Chaim Velvel Lichtman from the Yeshiva, “this abomination we cannot tolerate in our midst.”

Woman Arrested After Having Only Two Children

Golda Brucha Pensikov was taken into custody yesterday after ignoring repeated warnings about her failure to produce more children. Multiple citations as well as messages from the Vaad HaKelulos had utterly failed to move her to bring new life forth from her womb.

“She is married ten years and only two yingelach,” said Lakewood kochleffel Yechiel Weinstrasser, “surely she is eppes using some sort of birth control or something. Also once I saw her wearing denim on shabbes just like a shiska.”

Lakewood Bochur Unable to Decide Between Luach and Porn for his T-Mobile RAZR

Lakewood Bochur Baruch Goldman remains conflicted over whether to use his T-Mobile’s remaining app space for pornography or a Luach.

“On the one hand maybe the cell phone has nitzotzos that I can elevate by installing a Luach on it so I can come only three hours late to the bais medrash but on the other hand maybe it has the koichos of tumah in it since it’s made by ovdei avodah zara and so I shouldn’t try to fight it but let it serve me until the shiddech finally comes through,” said Baruch.

BMG officials claimed not to know who Baruch Goldman was and then announced a policy of pushing back Shidduchim for another year to “allow the bochurim to concentrate on what really counts.”

Lubavitch Coming to Lakewood

It has been announced that Lubavitch are coming to Lakewood to perform some sort of filthy ritual involving a giant metal statue of a menorah and semi-famous intermarried Jewish celebrities. All residents of Lakewood are encouraged to greet them with stones and curses. This is expected to bring together Lakewood’s Black and Haredi residents together over their common hatred of Lubavitchers.


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