Orthomom Denounces Rabbi for Criticizing Haman

Poor Orthomom. She came to Shul to find out who on her Five Towns block bought a Lexus this week (Oh, wow he got a promotion. I didn’t hear about that. Yistabach Malkeinu. Calf leather cushions???)

but instead of giving a vague speech about how we need to be nice to each other that Orthomom and her friends could talk over as usual (so his son just got accepted to Harvard? What specialty is he going into. Remind me after davening to get the address of Dr. Kupfer over there and he can talk to the admissions office), the Rabbi actually tried to do something meaningful and warned the congregation about Haman, also known as Barack Hussein Obama

“Vayovoi Haman, Vayovoi Barack Hussein Obama,” Orthomom sits smiling and chatting about next week’s weather when suddenly the Rabbi proclaims, “Vayovoi Haman” and she sits up frowning. “This will never do,” she thinks.

Haman is here but all Orthomom wants is for the Rabbi to shut up about it and stop making a fuss. After all everyone knows it’s all just a smear campaign. Hitler and Stalin are just nationalists. Arafat has learned his lesson. Ahmadinejad is just a clown. Obama is pro-Israel. So let’s be good liberals and sit in our pews and vote down the party line and stop shouting, “Vayovoi Haman” especially in Shul, which has no place for outrage or for saving Jewish lives. Let’s read about who had a Bar Mitzvah this week and let millions burn in flame again. Let them all burn but let us never raise our voices and shout, “Vayovoi Obama”

Too many liberal Jews sit around like the Jews at Ahasveirosch’s feast, downing their glasses, drinking more and more until they’re drunk out of their minds and there are few Mordechais to slap them across their fat faces and tell them, “WAKE UP, WAKE FROM YOUR SLUMBER BECAUSE MURDER IS HERE, DEATH IS HERE, THE HOLOCAUST IS HERE AGAIN.”

Yes they read about Iran getting the bomb and they got an email forwarded about how Obama is friendly with radical Muslims but it goes in one ear and out the other. The really important things to soulless liberals like Orthomom, to lukewarm Jews like her, are school boards and committee meetings. In her universe Rabbis don’t denounce evil, they denounce vague bad things and then shake everyone’s hand and go home.

Blow ye the horn in Zion, is not for such people. These were the same fat self-satisfied soulless liberals like Orthomom who sat smugly in their pews while six million burned to ash and would not tolerate a Rabbi who criticized Saint FDR. Now they will not tolerate a Rabbi who will criticize Saint Obama. It interferes with their chatting, with their fat self-satisfied lives.

(So who do you think will run for the board this year? Really? Are you sure about this, after that whole scandal with the divorce and everything? That’s so interesting. Tell me more.)

If there is one thing that really outrages such as Orthomom, it is not people who kill Jews or plot to kill Jews, it is Jews who get too worked up about it. Angry Jews, frustrated Jews, dissatisfied Jews. Jews who get up to the Bima and instead of reading the wedding announcements, shout, “Vayovoi Haman. Vayovoi Obama.”

“Shhhh,” the Orthomoms of the upscale liberal Jewish communities reply, “stop making such a ruckus. You don’t have all the facts and you’re interrupting our conversation. Go back to talking about being kind to others or Lashon Hara or something we can all pretend to listen to while we talk among ourselves.

“Stop shouting Vayovoi Haman because shouting Vayovoi Haman is for small children. Adults aren’t meant to do it. Adults have more important things to discuss, like who’s running for the board and who bought a new Lexus and whose son got divorced and whose son got accepted into Harvard. We’re having a good time feasting at the Democratic Party’s feast. We like our suburbs and our cars and yes Israel is important and Jewish lives are maybe important but not really, not to us. We are independent people with our own priorities and we don’t like to hear someone shouting ‘Vayovoi Haman’, it perturbs us.

“So go away and come back when Jews are actually dying. Well more so than right now. Not by the singles or the dozens or even the hundreds. Maybe by the thousands or the tens of thousands or the hundreds of thousands. Then we’ll listen. Maybe.”

(Did you hear about that latest divorce? They seemed so happy together. She worked at NYU. No kidding? He had a great career. I wonder why they couldn’t make it. I just don’t know.)

Vayovoi Obama. Vayovoi Haman.

22 thoughts on “Orthomom Denounces Rabbi for Criticizing Haman

  1. LOL, very good.

    Hey, don’t you know that the anti-Bergson, pro FDR, Reform and Labour-Zionists sabotage of rescue efforts is one big hoax? It’s all a haredi-Satmar conspiracy theory! Don’t you know Yehuda Bauer has already proven Kasztner and Ben Gurion’s spotless innocence and immaculate virgininty?

    How dare you, you evil right-wing hatremonger! Don’t you know that saints like whorthomom, Shmukya ben Alfred Rosenberg and ADov HitBear are beyond criticism?!

  2. orthomom says:

    Lol! I’ll tell you, you got my demographic wrong (the Lexus-buying, Harvard-going, pew-sitting, liberal-leaning congregation is a throwback to the 5 Towns of a generation ago – most shuls around here have traded pews for shteibel style tables, skew conservative politically, and consider themselves lucky if their offspring actually attend college at all after learning how meaningless it is during their year in Israel…though the Lexuses you got pretty much right), and I obviously think your views about Obama are not only way off but more than a bit unhinged. But let me commend you on the hilariousness of this post. I can appreciate the creativity behind it.

    Thanks for the mention. This was fun to read.

  3. samuraimohel says:

    You would know your snotty suburban demographic and what you talk about in shul better than I would

  4. Friar Yid says:

    If there is one thing that really outrages such as Orthomom, it is not people who kill Jews or plot to kill Jews

    I must have missed when Obama did this. Can you enlighten me?

  5. Friar Yid says:

    whorthomom, Shmukya ben Alfred Rosenberg and ADov HitBear

    How’s that Michael Savage witticism course coming?

  6. samuraimohel says:

    4 lines

    Barack Hussein Obama

    Samantha Powers

    Zbigniew Brezinski


  7. Friar Yid says:

    So, his middle name killed Jews? I’m still not following you.

  8. samuraimohel says:

    Yes, you’re slow

  9. Benny Scmuck says:

    You’re an idiot. Your website sucks. It is this Israeli right wing settler propaganda. You have no idea of what American jews are like. You’re perspective comes from NYT articles from 1903 and the movie Titanic. Get a life!

  10. samuraimohel says:

    I’m an American and you’re a retarded moron. What the hell does Titanic have to do with anything besides your hopeless gay crush on Leonardo DiCaprio. Why don’t you go soak in a tub and see how many IQ points you lose this time.

  11. Benny Scmuck says:

    Titanic has to do with another stupid article on this blog. I’m sure you know that. You don’ t sound american. You have been brainwashed by Kach. You are a right-wing, bible thumping freak. You are also secretly gay as is evident in your comments. Good luck with your coming out.

  12. samuraimohel says:

    You don’t sound American, you sound like a retarded assclown.

    Since you can’t read I’ll bend over backward to be charitable to your ignorant ass. The Titanic post was actually a criticism of a right wing zionist settler. If you weren’t a knee biting moron, you’d know that by reading it.

    Now why don’t you actually read the blog with your spare pair of eyes that work and tell me I’m a bible thumper so I can tell you again you’re an ignorant idiot, without feeling like I’m being mean to the blind.

  13. Strom Thumper says:

    I gotta say, that’s one Shmuck that don’t know when to quit

  14. Moshe says:

    scmuck guy sound like he is russian guy. I know many of them that sound his way.

  15. Benny Shmuck says:

    Poor guys. All of you should get a life.

  16. samuraimohel says:

    Oh look the troll is spending his life telling me to get one.

    How ironic.

  17. samuraimohel says:

    Yeah I didn’t think you could spell that either

  18. benny scmuck says:

    WordPress probably censors the comments. Anyway after I said F, this page disappeared from the search engine. I guess Wordpess is trying to promote a clean image.

  19. samuraimohel says:

    Yeah it’s all WordPress’ fault

    Do you enjoy being an idiot? If not, why do you do it.

  20. Jacob da Jew says:

    Damn. I gotta take lessons from you on how to shut those fucking trolls up.

  21. samuraimohel says:

    just think of em as actual trolls and give em a good kick

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