April 34, 1921
Mr. Ari Hart
220 West Kochleffel Lane
Atlanta, GA, 90210
Dear Ari Hart,
Shut the hell up.
I say this to you not only as a Jew, a human being and a biological lifeform who’s sick to death of self-righteous wannabe Rabbis like you so desperate for two inches in the Forward that you’ll grow a scraggly goat beard, put on a t-shirt, creating yet another stupid social justice organization like Uri L’tzedek and distributing your online petitions as if anyone but your friends at the JTA, the Forward and all the other Jewish print media that nobody but their own interns actually reads, cares.
Just in case I wasn’t clear about that, shut the hell up. No I don’t care, shut the hell up.
God knows there’s a lot of useless Rabbis out there, but the most obnoxiously useless variety of them are twerps like you who spend your time living out some 60’s social activism fantasy by putting logos on your t-shirts and flying around the country to annoy people and get a story about you put in the paper.
And now look you Ari Hart made an online petition and you Ari Hart got your two frakking columns in the Forward and Jewschool which loves hating Jews to death is writing about you, Ari Hart!!! Congratulations. It’s all about you. If Rabbis were celebrities, you’d be the Shia LeBeouf of Rabbidom, smug, annoying and useless.
I know after a hard day of work of condescending to the elderly, IM’ing Mobius and figuring out how to make the Uri L’tzedek logo look even gayer than it does already while pondering the prophetic tradition you probably think your life is worthwhile. I’ve got news for you. It isn’t.
I’m really glad you’re raising money for the Rubashkin Mexican Meth producing illegal aliens on behalf of a Catholic Church. This is a wonderful project because the money can go to three places
1. Catholic Church settlements for molesting little boys
2. Project “Gay Up that Uri L’tzedek Logo Some More”
3. Funding Mexican illegals so they can one day run you over in broad daylight while driving with a license plate made of glued together pieces of toilet paper
Personally I encourage you Ari Hart and Sister Mary McCauley to go for Options 1 and 2, because the logo of a completely useless organization that only exists on the internet can never be too gay and because child molesting should only happen to parents who choose to send their kids to schools belonging to groups that are known for their Laissez-faire policy on molesting kids.
Heretofore, I want to ask you to
1. Shut the hell up
2. Shut the hell up
3. Get a real job that requires you to shave your goat beard, put away your guitar and work for a living, instead of mumbling vaguely about Tikkun Olam and flying to Burma to annoy rescue workers.
4. Shut the hell up.
In doing so I ask you to maintain the high standards of Gershon The Winkler, The Fonz, Peter Rabbit and Puff the Marshmallow Man, admit your uselessness and do something more productive with your life, like digging holes in random highways. Until you make these changes I feel compelled to keep making fun of you and making your logo look even gayer than it already does.
I regret this course of action as much as you do. Wait, no I don’t. Shut the hell up and cram your petition where the sun don’t shine.
שָׂנֵאתִי הַשֹּׁמְרִים הַבְלֵי-שָׁוְא Pslams 31:7