A Real World Guide to Shidduch Definitions

MALE

A Real Learner – He has over 400 gigabytes of naked Asian girls on his Mp4 enabled cell phone and a plan to never work for the rest of his life.

He’s Interested in Chinuch – He has no clue or plan for the rest of his life.

His Grandfather is Related to the Chofetz Chaim – His grandfather once read a book about the Chofetz Chaim and memorized the pertinent details.

He’s Really Good with Stocks – He wants to blow your dowry on IPokerWinnings.com.

He’s a Very Sensitive Boy – He watched Titanic 9 times and cried every time.

He Spent a Year Learning in Israel – He Spent a Year Smoking and Flirting with Natasha who works in that booth at Machane Yehuda in between sodas.

He’s a Very Erliche Boy – He hasn’t figured out how to have fun yet.

You Never See Him Without a Sefer – You never see him without his protective camouflage.

He’ll Make a Great Father – His emotional age is around 7.

He’s a Very Handsome Bochur – He weighs 250 pounds with his cell phones and eats pizza with his hands.

He’s Never Looked at a Girl – He might be gay.

He Wants to Live in Israel – He thinks wife beating might be legal there.

FEMALE

She’s a Very Artistic Girl – She likes to freeze dry macaroni and paint it different colors.

She’s a Real Balabuste – She’s looking forward to spending all day watching the Home Shopping Network while the Polish maid cleans.

She’s Very Low Maintenance – She only throws one irrational tantrum a day.

She’s Very Loving – She’ll be IM’ing a guy in Canada before your Shana Rishona is up.

She Loves Children – Sex terrifies her.

She’s a Real Role Model – She’s always in charge of deciding which girls to snub.

She’s a Very Special Girl – She’s insane and we’re all frightened of her.

She’s Very Caring – She uses baby talk to adults.

She’s a Real Catch – We’re desperate.

Her Family is Very Erlich – Her family hides their TV antenna behind a potted plant.

She’s So Full of Life – She weighs 300 pounds.

TRANSGENDER

Don’t Let This One Get Away – The sucker’s falling for it.

I Can’t Say a Single Bad Thing – There’s too many bad things to say just one.

Don’t You Wish You had a Doctor in the Family? – Don’t you wish you had a spouse you have to make an appointment to see.

They’re a Real Go Getter – They’re a user.

Who Can Forget? – Who can remember?

I Hope You Like Cats. – Run, run now.

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5 thoughts on “A Real World Guide to Shidduch Definitions

  1. Bar Kochba says:

    HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

    Thank G-d you’re not a cynic. 😉

  2. frumhouse says:

    I think you are being at least half serious – but you cracked me up with this list!

  3. Shmuley says:

    Oh wow, this is great.
    I don’t use shidduchim, but I’ll remember these for JDate!

  4. s(b.) says:

    nice. 🙂

  5. frumpunk says:

    Nice one. 🙂

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