It was just another Saturday in the middle of the Aseret Yemei Tesuvah and sure I could have spent it sitting in shul and “praying” but there was something more important calling me. Barack חוסיין Obama.
Like many Christians and Jews alike I couldn’t be blind to the recognition that Obama was the savior we had been waiting for so very long. He had an easy smile, his own bumper stickers and he promised to make it rain milkshakes everyday. What more did I need?
So I strapped on my Birkenstocks, put on a button that said OBAMA WAS A COMMUNITY ORGANIZER FOR MY SINS and said, “Sorry, Rabbi. I’m though being a Jew. Now I’m an Obamajew because it’s so much cooler. Or maybe I’ll spell it Obamajoo for extra coolness.” Then I got on the bus and began canvassing door to door for Obama.
First up was Harry Shmeckl who lives in a house next door, but he wasn’t interested. “How could you not want to vote for Obama, you old fart,” I demanded. “Don’t you know Obama is a black man. His half-blackness is an atonement for all your racist sins.”
Myrna Kochleffel down the street wasn’t interested either. I was outraged. “How could you put Israel, that racist state that kicks terrorists in the balls to the tune of Hatikvah, above the importance of electing a giant racist moron who thinks there are 57 states in the Union as President? Besides Obama loves Israel, he said so himself. What else do you need?”
So far they weren’t buying it. I decided it was because they were old and stupid. I needed to canvass some younger Jewish voters. So I headed right for the Temple Beth Shalom daycare center.
“Come on kids, you want to vote for Obama, don’t you?”
The little brats wanted to vote for someone named Pokemon instead.
“Forget your pokemans,” I said. “Your toys are made out of plastic which destroys the planet. Every time you buy a toy, you’re killing polar bears.”
The kids began to jump up and down. “Yay, we’re killing polar bears. Polar bears are dying.”
“Stop that,” I shrieked. “Look you come with me on election day and vote for Obama and I’ll give you lollipops.”
That was when George Bush’s fascist police burst in and arrested me for trying to lure kids away with candy and interfered with my free speech. When I was bailed out of jail four hours later, I decided to try an easier demographic, liberal Jewish college students just like me.
I met one on the corner. He was listening to an iPod, wearing an Arctic Monkeys t-shirt and being very ironic.
“Obama is the greatest, isn’t he?” I said to him.
“Yes he is!” he shouted at me. “How dare you question Obama?”
“I wasn’t questioning Obama! I was affirming Obama’s greatness,” I defended myself.
“You phrased it as a question!”
“It was a conversation starter,” I insisted. “I like Obama more than you do.”
“That’s not possible,” he retorted, “I love Obama more than my parents!”
“I love Obama more than my iPhone,” I retorted. He gasped, unsure of what to say. He stroked his iPod and then went for it.
“I love Obama more than every Apple product Steve Jobs invented and Arctic Monkeys too!”
I gritted my teeth. “I would die for Obama!”
“I would die for Obama too!”
It was a stalemate. We stood there glaring at each other and then we both went home and spent the night posting diaries on DailyKos.