Sexual Preditor Report Issue 1

Many bloggers today in the Jewish community is talking about the VERY SERIOUS problem of Sexual Preditors. Once before no one knew about Sexual Preditors and they were able to Sexually Predate at free will. Jewish newspapers in the “Frum” world still refuse to print information about Sexual Preditors, such as that they have beards and things inside their pants they do to you with.

I have learned about this Sexual Preditor problem only very recently and am working my behind off to bring you public information about the SEXUAL PREDITOR problem that mainstream Jewish newspapers will not bring you, because they are full of advertisements instead.

Here are some important facts about SEXUAL PREDITORS everyone needs to know, whether they want to or not

1. Sexual Preditors can look like anyone

While Sexual Preditors are often Rebbes or Mikvah ladies, the truth is that Sexual Preditors can be anyone. They can be your neighbor, your proctologist or even your friendly old grandmother. Yes she looks nice, but what if she is really a Sexual Preditor disguised as your friendly old grandma?

Look in the mirror in the bathroom when you are showering. If you see two people there, the one who is not you, may be a sexual preditor. Unless you shower with other people, though this is wrong. Or you are hallucinating.

2. Avoid Sexual Preditors

This is hard because Sexual Preditors can be anywhere. Sexual Preditors can hide behind the door when you come in, and then they jump out and yell, “Boo, I am a Sexual Preditor!” and then you cannot do anything, because they have already yelled at you and made you feel bad and dirty.

Yeshivas have many Sexual Preditors so you should not go to any. I go to a Yeshiva, but every time I walk in I yell, “I See You Sexual Preditors, Go Away!” which is why I never get sexually predated much, and they usually just let me steal food from the refrigitator without saying anything.

3. Report Sexual Preditors

If you see someone sexually predating, report them right away to me. Send me an email to and whenever I see them I will yell at them that they are a Sexual Preditor, also I will post it at my blog. This will immediately get me more traffic.

4. Famous Sexual Preditors

Famous people are more likely to be sexual preditors as being famous gives them all kinds of sexual urges. So be very careful around famous people, and do not ask them for their autograph as they may take it the wrong way.

Here are some famous people who were also sexual preditors

A. All Rebbes

B. Slomo Carlibach

C. All Rabbis

D. Mordekai Ben David

E. Yeedle

F. That guy who sings that song, I forget the words, something about Kol VeNoam?

G. Everyone in Frum Music

H. That guy who hangs around the pizza store looking strange at me.

I. Maybe you? Who says you’re not? Prove it! I demand that you prove it right now!

5. Sexual Preditors is a Very Important Issue

At first I did not know what to make my blog about. At first I thought I would make it about AdSense tips, but I have no tips because I make no moneys with AdSense because I have no traffic. Then I thoguht what about driving vans. But my friend told me no one wants to read a blog about driving vans because that is stupid. So I will write about sexual preditors now and alert people to the problem and then I can get some AdSense and give people SEO tips, which I think is something sexual preditors do to you… I am still figuring this internet thing out.

Anyway if you are in Boro Park and see a Sexual Preditor, tell me about it. Also I will soon try to have a guest blog from an actual Sexual Preditor (my grandmother) to try and make them see what they tick and why?

For the Sexual Preditor Report, this is your host and protector

Moishe Heimlich


  1. Shmuly says:

    the thing is, sexual predators are a problem. i understand the point your trying to make, but think about this.

    in 2007 there were 150 cases of children being kidnapped and assaulted by total strangers. that works out to one in every 1.5 million kids in the country.
    on the flip side though, there were 670 credible reported cases of abuse within the roman catholic church’s clergy. and just so that everybody knows i’m not picking on catholics, other major christian denominations had approximately the same numbers of credible reports. also, after adjusting for population size, the jewish clergy had the same number of reports. keep in mind, the stranger abduction/sexual assault cases are reported 100% of the time. assaults committed by known persons are reported 25% of the time.

    kids are safer riding the jtrain by themselves at any hour of the day, than they are in any church or shul.

    go figure.

  2. samuraimohel says:

    No kids are not safer riding the train unattended at any hour of the day, than they are in a church. Kids are not safe unattended period.

    Molestation has little to do with clergy. Pedophiles will find positions where they can be the supervising adult around kids. That means clergy, it means Scoutmaster too or camp counselor. That’s what criminals do, they find ways to get close to their targets at a time when they’re vulnerable.

    The point I’m trying to make though isn’t about pedophilia, it’s about the culture of stupidity on the Jblogs where all sorts of morons with 2 brain cells to rub together begin shrieking wildly about KIDS BEING MOLESTING as a license to begin their own private crusades.

    Yesterday I stopped by a popular Jewish blog index and the top ranked post was “Shlomo Carlebach Sexual Preditor”, spelled exactly that way. That moron inspired me.

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