This is my 2nd Annual Report on Sexual Preditors in our Communities. My first report was last week and since it is January or February now, this is my 2nd report for the year. There might be more, it depends on if I can make more appointments at the library without anyone seeing me.

Sexual Preditors in our Communities is a very important topic. As you know there are millions of sexual preditors in our communities. Every few days you hear of someone getting sexual predated on for no reason at all, and no one wants to do anything about it except me. I say we should all be speaking out about this very serious problem but obviously you all disagree because you are not paying attention to me and my AdSense is not making me any money. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Issues to Report

1.  This is not a joke – Some people have mailed me to ask me if this is a joke. This is not a joke. Sexual preditoring is a very serious matter and should not be taken over by lightheaded people.

Some have abused my REPORT A SEXUAL PREDITOR feature to send messages saying that I am the Sexual Preditor. This is completely false and also it is Lashon Hara.

I am not a Sexual Preditor. I think I would know if I was a Sexual Preditor. For example I drive a van, and I sometimes look after little boys and I hang around the Mikvah late at night when the women are leaving… so with all those oppurtunities if I was a Sexual Preditor, I would be Sexually Preditoring a lot believe me. But I’m not.

2. I need a Column – Sexual Preditoring is a very serious issue so I have proposed that Jewish newpspaers should make a SEXUAL PREDITORIAL run by me to denounce that sort of thing that would be called THE SEXUAL PREDITORIAL WITH MOSHE HEIMLICH. Also they would pay me for it. Several newspapers turned me down saying they already have plenty of Sexual Preditors on staff that they don’t need to pay.

3. Sexual Preditorizing in Nature – I just discovered that a lot of Sexual Preditorizing goes on in nature and people should do something about it. I am not sure what. Like this one time I was in Shiur and I saw one dog sexually preditorizing another, and the Menahel came over and smacked me on the head, and told me if I kept on this way I would become a homosexual. I have not done that since and I am pretty sure I am not a homosexual.

4. That Strange Guy down the Block – There is a strange guy down the block who keeps staring at me every time I go into his store. He is Korean or something Chinese or maybe he has bad eyes or something. Anyway he stares at me a lot, especially when I am stealing from him. I think he might be a Sexual Preditor.

5. Driving a Van is Really Boring – Driving a Van is really very boring. A lot of people don’t know that. I began this blog about Sexual Preditors hoping to make money so I don’t have to drive a van to make extra money, but so far I am not making anything from AdSense. I wonder if there is more money in being a Sexual Preditor than in denouncing them? If there are any Sexual Preditors reading this blog, please drop me a message to let me know how much you make an hour.

6. Sexual Preditorizing All Over the Internet – I did some searches not long ago on the internet about Sexually Preditorizing and discovered that there are hundreds of websites full of pictures and video of Sexual Preditorization. So I spent many hours browsing them, and downloading some as evidence for my report. The people at the library gave me strange looks, but I told them I was only doing it to fight terrible crimes.

Also I am almost certain my Menahel was wrong.

7. I have to Go Drive the Van Now – I have to go drive the van now because my pager is going off like crazy. Most people don’t have pagers anymore but I am behind the times on technology. Also with a pager the government can’t track what you’re doing from space, like they do to everyone else.

If you have any more ideas how I can stop Sexual Preditors so I don’t have to spend a lot of time driving a van, drop me a message,


Moshe Heimlich


  1. Stacy says:

    I have nothing witty to write, but that was hilariously genius.

  2. samuraimohel says:

    Thanks, writing witty things is overrated. Expressing thoughts in short sentences is true genius.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s