You can’t go anywhere anymore without seeing another article of dating tips to insure you get married. We here at Samurai Mohel think that with the Singles Crisis all set to destroy the earth, it’s time for something a lot more helpful, 10 Dating Tips to Insure You Never Ever Ever EVER Get Married.
Tip #1 Self-Esteem – Before each date stand in front of a full lenght mirror wearing only a towel and proclaim, “They don’t deserve me. They don’t deserve me. THEY DON’T DESERVE ME!” Everything else will follow.
Tip #2 Be Your Own Lawyer – Don’t think of it as a date, think of it as an interrogation session. The person you’re dating is the criminal and you have to be ready to catch them in their lies. Was that an inconsistency in their camp story? Are they leaving out a trip to the pharmacy because they don’t want you to know they’re taking CRAZY PILLS? Are they even the gender they claim to be? Be your own lawyer, press them on every point, assemble a flow chart of their inconsistencies. Happiness is only a browbeating away.
Tip #3 People Don’t Change – Remember people don’t change so if there’s anything annoying at all about your date, focus in on it for the rest of the date. Engage in horrifying fantasies of spending the rest of your life with someone who bites their fingernails, drops the N at the end of every other word and isn’t interested in the same things you are. When your horror builds to a peak pitch, RUN SCREAMING FROM THE TABLE.
Tip #4 Wishful Thinking – Spend the entire evening analyzing your date’s flaws in your head while picturing all the better people who could be out there for you. The people you deserve! No don’t bother to call them again. There’s someone better out here for you.
Tip #5 Your Best Friend – Marriage is supposed to be about finding a friend, right? So treat your date like your friend, regale them with sports color commentary, Gemara insights, gossip from your girlfriends and explicit details of that recipe you’ve been working on.
Tip #6 There’s No Such Thing As Too Much Information – Got a painful sore, an embarrassing physical condition, a story about your roommate’s sexual escapades? Now’s the time to share that and more. Also be sure to bring visual aids.
Tip #7 Let’s Get Down to Business – I’m a man, you’re a woman, let’s draw up a detailed list of responsibilities, dealbreakers and arrange our lives for the next 20 years. I’ll fax over the contract to you and you can have your people look it over, make a counter-offer and we’ll shoot it over to the lawyers.
Tip #8 Multiple Dates Means Multiple Fun – Choosing one person can be hard, but choosing between three people is much easier, just like shopping for a TV in a store full of them.
Tip #9 Nitpick, Nitpick, Nitpick – Happiness is only a thread away from being unraveled if you really work at it. Never trust a good thing, it’s probably bad inside anyway. Be sure to accentuate the negative, have unrealistic standards for everyone but yourself and grab on to the pettiest of issues to disguise your fear of commitment.
Tip #10 Premature Defeat – Why do I even bother going on these dates, they’re not going to like me anyway. I don’t even see the point anymore. I should just wear this bulky sweater, not shower and spit crumbs all over the table. If they’re really my Bashert, they’ll love me anyway.
Follow these tips well and not only can you avoid marriage entirely (except sadly for Tip 7) but you can even avoid having a second date.