BREAKING: New Tznius Regulations Released for Parkville Heights

Dear Parkvillians (Parkvillites?)

I know we’re all enjoying the warm weather this spring, the new line of TZNIUS spring fashions at Tzippi’s LaRouchey BOUTIQUE that leave you feeling just like you’re in FRANCE and our wonderful darling CHILDREN (for those who have them).

Yet as a Parkvillite myself, I can’t help but notice the TRAGEDIES s going on around us this spring and wonder what we can do to prevent them.

There’s old man Niereberger’s phlebitis acting up and his son’s gonorrhea, which is also acting up. There are the many BEE STINGS from which our wonderful darling children are suffering day after day, with no RELIEF in sight.

Then there’s little Yitzi Weinberg who got drunk on raisin wine and slammed his tatti’s PORSCHE SUV right through the front window of Parkville Delicious Pizza Parlor on Motzi Shabbos. The insurance rates are HORRIBLE.

And there’s the sad case of little Shuey Goldstein who learned to curse from YouTube and now swears like a foul mouthed sailor ALL DAY. And it isn’t funny!!!

Also there’s stuff going on in Eretz Yisrael all the time, but we don’t pay attention to it, unless we’re going to VACATION there for Pesach. (In which case we cancel the flight.)

When we see tragedies like this all around us, our first reaction has to be, what can we, as ignorant but well off LADIES, do about it?

On Yom Kippur we focus on Tefillah, Teshuvah and Tzedakah.  But every day for us it’s more important to focus on another T word, TZNIUS. After the last Parkville neighborhood tragedy, when Chezki Zibblestein turned on a fire hydrant which smashed through our front window and soaked our European imported designer sofa cover fabrics, to help me understand how to cope with this tragedy I turned for answers to Rav David Eigenstein.

First I caught his wife who told me to call back later, during dinner. But Rav David was never home, so I kept calling and calling, until he finally picked up at 3 AM, heard me out and told me to SHUT THE HELL UP AND NEVER CALL HIM AGAIN. At first I was insulted and decided to cut down his Purim basket next year from 200 dollars to only 150. But then on sober reflection I decided that I needed to take away an IMPORTANT LIFE LESSON.

What Rav David was really telling me in his TYPICALLY ABRASIVE way was that I needed to incorporate more Tznius into my life.

Now in consultation with the Ladies Board of Parkville Communal Institutions Authority, (Chanie Mittrager, Yintzie Blinstein, Kizzie Baranover, Mintzy Blaumlach and Dalli Glintzlacher) and with Rav David Eigenstein, in an advisory capacity… we have decided to take upon ourselves the deep well of moral responsibility to issue NEW TZINUS REGULATIONS FOR ALL OF PARKVILLE AND THE SURROUNDING NEIGHBORHOODS AND COMMUNITIES.

For the sake of our WONDERFUL DARLING CHILDREN, from now on please observe the following Tznius regulations on a day to day basis to avoid being shunned as a DISGUSTING DISEASED PARIAH by your loving friends and neighbors… and help us avoid the manifold tragedies that can come from TZNIUS VIOLATIONS.

1. Ladies are to avoid walking within 12 feet of an uncovered open window in their own homes. Within 8 feet of an uncovered closed window and within 4 feet of a closed window covered over with heavy dark wool.

2. Photos should only be taken by a close male relative, unless they are extremely unflattering photos.

3. Our own unscientific study shows that most pritzus and lashon hara occurs in phone conversation between the hours of 2 and 3 PM. That is why no phone conversations should take place between those hours unless something very important needs to be ordered over the phone.

4. Bathroom windows should be removed and tastefully mortared over.

5. When encountering a surveillance camera, please walk in a circular path to avoid having your image imprinted on its lens.

6. Driving is non-tznius. Chauffeurs are tznius.

7. Sex in the City DVD viewing parties should in the future not include any men.

8. Ninjas are tznius, as they are all covered up and sneak around. Pirates are not tznius, as they wear little and make a lot of noise when they walk.

9. Tzippy’s LaRouchey Boutique (run by my dear friend Tzippy Boimelstein) has the most stylish and fashionable Tznius spring fashions around. Not shopping there is a definite Tznius violation.

That is all for now. If we think of anything else, we’ll put it in next week’s bulletin.

By the way I notice many Parkvillians are tossing these bulletins straight into the trash or using them to scoop up dog doo doo. I just want to reach out to my neighbors and say that this is very wrong and if you keep doing this YOU AND YOUR LITTLE DOG WILL BOTH BURN FOREVER IN HELL. Yes I mean you Mrs. Schneiderman. I know you think you’re so important because you went to college and read the newspaper. Well let me tell you something, Charles Manson went to college too and look where he ended up!

Bizchus of us doing these things, may we merit a trouble free summer with no sunburns or bee stings anymore for our WONDERFUL DARLING CHILDREN

With much love and regrets.

P.S. Let’s meet on a Yeedle Cruise

Malkie Chazzerstein

Parkville Ladies Association of Communities Authority