Have you built an entire identity around being a victim? Are you compulsively unable to stop from rehashing every petty detail in your life and blaming it on someone else? Have you had an affair with a married man who stayed married even though he told you he was going to leave his wife and you like totally believed him because why would a guy who cheats on his wife lie to you anyway?


“Narcissist” comes from the Greek (Narcissus, or Spirit of the Self-Help Books Section). Narcissists are typically people with more self-esteem than you. Narcissists victimize their victims for life by having an affair with them and then moving on. This cripples their victims for life and leaves them unfit to do anything but write about the dangers of narcissism and long for the return of the Phil Donahue Show.

John Gray discovered the term “Narcissist” in 1684 while he was looking for more things that men and women do differently. Since then many Nobel Prize winning physicists have devoted years of their life to studying the issue and found nothing, because they were men, and men suck!

The NHS has recently declared a “Narcissism Epidemic” and warned everyone who’s stupid and whiny to stay indoors, and avoid sneezing near cat covered furniture.

There are easy ways to identify a Narcissist. A Narcissist in the early stages of a relationship is really into you. Then he seems less interested. This may be a sign that the relationship isn’t working out, OR IS THAT JUST WHAT THE NARCISSIST WANTS YOU TO THINK WHILE HE KEEPS PLAYING GAMES WITH YOUR MIND?

If you’re reading this, you already know the answer to that.

Also a Narcissist’s moods change. One day he can be angry, and another day he can be happy. Narcissists also often have noses, eyes and long evil mustaches which they twirl while muttering darkly about their plans to steal all the earth’s diamond reserves IN ORDER TO POWER THEIR NARCISSISM.

Narcissists can be anybody. A schoolteacher. A bus driver. A donut hole puncher. But they’re most likely to be someone you were in a bad relationship with, but was totally not your fault, CAUSE HE WAS A NARCISSIST. And he controlled your mind! And your thoughts! And your dreams! And your pastries!

The only way to break free of a Narcissist’s influence is to talk about him non-stop. Only by spending the next few decades going on about Narcissists, can you finally liberate yourself to have a healthy normal relationship with the pillow next to you in the old age home.

Some therapists will advise you to get on with your life instead. Avoid them because THEY ARE CLEARLY NARCISSISTS. Instead pick a therapist whose conversations with you will help her write a book about how women can identify Narcissists that Oprah might select for her book club. And then you’ll be on TV with her. And then you can write your own book. And won’t that be so much better than not having a crazy obsession that prevents you from living a normal life?

Blimey Cor, Reform Rabbi Jonathan Romain Declares War on Jewish Education

Rosh Hashana is usually the time when Jews gather to repent and to plan for ways to do good next year. But the way Satanist Churches have upside down crosses and black masses that are said backward, Reform take everything Judaism does and run it through backward. While Rabbis at Jewish synagogues were probably thinking of how to get more children involved in Jewish education, Rabbi Jonathan Romain of the Maidenhead Synagogue did his own Black Mass and came on a Rosh Hashana (or is that Ahanhsah Hsor) commitment to waging a relentless war on Jewish education.

On Monday the Jewish New Year begins. Unlike the secular new year — largely a boisterous time characterised by revelry and champagne — Rosh Hashannah is a very serious and sober occasion. Jews spend the day in synagogue, even the lapsed ones who do not normally attend services. We reflect on our conduct during the past 12 months and make resolutions to repeat the good things we did, remedy the hurts we caused and set goals for the coming year. Here lies my problem. My resolution this year may make sense to some, but will be seen as heresy to others, especially fellow rabbis (and many vicars and imams). I resolve to speak out against faith schools,

Isn’t that wonderful. It’s about time a Rabbi had the courage to condemn Jewish education and call for tearing down the Yeshivas. Johnny Romain (Lettuce?) may go down as the greatest Jewish thinker since that guy who sacrificed a pig on the altar in the temple 2000 years ago or so.

The problem with faith schools is not their purpose but their consequences. They may be designed to inculcate religious values, but they result in religious ghettos, which can destabilise the social health of the country at large. Even those faith schools that genuinely try to reach out to the wider community and teach good citizenship still segregate Jewish, Muslim or Catholic children from each other and bring them up in what amounts to an educational apartheid system.

Rabbit Jonathan Romain has got a point. No denying that. But his “modest proposal” doesn’t go nearly far enough.

Why draw the line at faith school apartheid, when house of worship apartheid goes on. Why should we segregate Jews, Muslims and Catholics in Synagogue Apartheid. We all know having different religions is socially destabilizing, it creates ghettos, perpetuates divisions and makes Jeebus cry. I know, he told me so personally while I was studying a picture of his mother hugging Michael Jackson on a tree stump!

Eliminating Faith Schools doesn’t go nearly far enough. We have to work harder to eliminate religious differences than simply denying our children a Jewish education. No, we have to tear down Synagogue Apartheid too. Down with the Yeshiva, Down with the Synagogue, Down with Judaism. Let’s all be one religion. Skin color will still be a problem, but we can all dye our faces purple.

Also no more single sex bathrooms. Bathroom Apartheid must end. Because there’s no such thing as legitimate separations, are there. Anything separate is apartheid. Down with Apartheid!

Of course we’re going to have to get rid of Rabbis too. We’ll need a new title that encompasses a universal religious leader, with Rabbi Jonathan Romain as our model. How about Spiritual Wanker of No Faith?

I want my children to sit next to a Sikh in class, play football in the break with a Methodist, do homework with a Hindu and walk to the bus stop with a Muslim before returning to their Jewish home.

I’ve kept my mouth shut before, but now Rabbi Jonathan Romain is just shamelessly plagiarizing Dr. Doolittle

If I could talk to the Methodist, and maybe a Sikh or two
and curse at him in fluent Hindu
Share a dirty joke with a Buddhist, Kick a football at a Muslim
Before returning to our intermarried, atheist, completely secular, don’t ask us about our religion… Jewish home!

Hey kids, for 50 points, can anyone tell me why Reform Judaism is dying out? Can’t be the lack of a Jewish education. Oh wait.

I’m not sure if watching the Reform post-Judaism movement commit suicide in such a public way is sad or funny. Sadly it’s probably a little of both. For a while now the movement has talked about embracing Jewish education. Oops apparently that’s Apartheid.

However good some faith schools are individually, collectively they are a recipe for social disaster. Leaders of all faiths should put aside religious self-interest and make national cohesion a higher priority. At the same time, MPs who can see political advantage in supporting local sectarian demands should have the courage to ignore calls for religious preferences and work towards the greater good of communal integration.

Assimilation today! Assimilation tomorrow! Assimilation forever! I recommend that Johnny Lettuce begin his “Tear down the Schools” crusade with the Muslims. Then after they fish all 14 pieces of him out of the river, we can bury him in 14 different religious cemeteries to accommodate his commitment to ecumenism uber alles.

And in case you’re wondering, Rabbi Jonathan Romain’s Saturnalia resolution next year will to speak out against Faith Synagogues.

Update: Rabbi Romain is a member of ACCORD, a group created by a member of the Anti-Religious British Humanist Association (atheist), which campaigns against religious schools.

The goal is to destroy religious education.

ACCORD calls for schools with mandatory infterfaith student bodies and staff and to…

“Follow an objective, fair and balanced syllabus for education about religious and non-religious beliefs – whether determined by their local authority or by any future national syllabus or curriculum for RE”

So Rabbi Lettucehead’s fun version of Judaism would be taught by whatever the British government decides is a “fair and balanced” approach to balancing Judaism and every other religion, and atheism too.

And of course nothing as dirty and ugly as prayers

“Provide their pupils with inclusive, inspiring and stimulating assemblies in place of compulsory acts of worship.”

So yes this is exactly about destroying religious education backed by the rhyme scheme of Dr. Doolitle.

It’s possible for children to learn to coexist with others, without backing a heavy handed government scheme to enforce its version of education, while banning all others.

And now let’s look at the membership of ACCORD

There’s the The British Humanist Association, The Campaign for State Education, The Lesbian and Gay Christian Movement and The Socialist Education Association.

They seem to have left out Joseph Stalin, but that’s about it.

Nice Guys and Girls Finish Last

There’s a common refrain you’ll hear from a lot of guys across a variety of backgrounds who are trying to date, but not getting anywhere. “Nice guys finish last.” The nice guys being them of course, who can’t get anywhere because women want good looking jerks with money, or some variation on the theme.

Of course their own lists for the girl they’re looking for rarely begin and end with the word “nice”. Weight, dress sizes, looks, father’s money (if they’re frum), all that stuff factors into it. And nice ends up being pushed way to the side.

Girls have their own version of that in complaining about all the things men are looking for, instead of looking for a nice sincere loving person. Of course like the guys, in real life, their lists tend to be head by things other than “nice”.

Hypocrisy isn’t limited to a single gender, and there’s no reason it should be. Male or female, we’re all human beings, and operate on the same basic parameters. One of those parameters is that we don’t really mean what we say, and that what we think we want, isn’t necessarily what we want.

So what’s wrong with nice anyway? Nice isn’t a word that makes anyone’s pulse race. Nice means “Mostly Harmless” in the Douglas Adams way. It means safe and non-threatening. In theory it means they’re a good person. In theory.

But nice is subjective. One person’s nice, is another person’s jerk. Most people are nice to some people, without being nice to others. The frustrated bachur\bachurette who’s totally nice to his\her aunt, grandmother and best friends… might be a passive aggressive monster when interacting with the opposite sex. And plenty of the “Why doesn’t anyone want nice” crowd have plenty of frustration built up toward the opposite sex, with emerges as passive aggressive behavior on dates that they’re often not even aware of.

And nice doesn’t mean the ability to interact meaningfully with other people. I know plenty of nice people who would be completely dysfunctional in a marriage because they’re incredibly socially awkward and neurotic. So while nice is nice, nice is also relative.

Nice doesn’t drive anyone wild. Maybe it’s because attraction is based on animal impulses which select mates based on primary and secondary sexual characteristics that indicate their ability to be a good provider, or birth many children. Characteristics that can be seen on any underwear ad.

Then there’s the personality side of that, which is projecting confidence. Nice rarely projects much confidence. Male and female jerks do. Which is one reason why letting your biology pick a date is a good idea only if you’re looking to end up 1. Out of money 2. With a disease 3. In a shelter 4. In divorce court.

But contrary to what the nice guys and girls complaining think, “niceness” is not the opposite of that. Goodness is. The difference is that goodness also projects strength. Niceness does not. It takes strength of character to do the right thing and fight for the right things. It doesn’t take much strength to be nice, often it’s the safest option for people with low confidence and poor self-esteem. Which is why despite the puppy dog eyes and the sad sad internet posts, they’re not the ones getting picked.

So yes, nice guys and girls do finish last. Because passivity and whining is its own sour reward. Good things don’t come to those who sit around and blog about how they can’t get a date. They come to those bad and good people who go out and get them.

To stop finishing last, start lining up first. Project some confidence, honestly examine your own values and change your life.