Shin Bet Arrests Yaakov Teitel for Killing Jesus

The Israeli Authorities have done it again with the arrest of Yaakov Teitel, charged with committing every single unsolved crime in Israel over the last 2000 years… by no particular coincidence in time for the big Rabinaversary.

Yaakov Teitel has been charged with a long string of unrelated crimes committed with entirely different weapons over 10 years with no connection between them, except that after getting the crap beaten out of him for three days, Yaakov Teitel confessed to them. It’s not clear where exactly Yaakov Teitel managed to get explosives training, how he managed to make getaways from half a dozen crime scenes or even more incredibly smuggle an assault rifle past both US and Israeli customs… but the indictment does say that he’s actually the Jewish RAMBO.

Shin Bet spokesman Ilan Sheker has assured reporters that this is not at all a case of the Shabak grabbing some random mentally unstable right winger on their list and beating the crap out of him until he confesses to a bunch of crimes that it would have taken a Jewish James Bond to commit all together. And then planting a ton of weapons in his house. Not at all. The Shin Bet actually officially stopped doing that last year.

This is a totally legitimate case. Like the time that the Shin Bet totally did not send a guy to keep taunting Yigal Amir with chants of “When are you gonna do something about Rabin”, and then put a totally unrelated girl in jail for not warning them about it! Or creating a fake Jewish terrorist organization and then airing an undercover news report about it! No more! The Shin Bet now makes up only completely true stuff.

Anyway no celebration of that guy who got shot and we all felt sorry about it, cause we called him a Nazi… except it turned out that it was actually a Shabak agent who was holding up a Nazi poster… oops… would be complete without the ceremonial arrest of the right wing extremist for every crime over the last 2000 years… including killing Jesus.

I know those Shabak guys are great and all, but here’s my proposal. How about arresting some of those guys currently holding Gilad Shalit. Yeah I know, that’s too tough. It requires actually going into enemy territory and doing your job. Much easier to grab some patsy, scream at him and knock him around for a few days, and then dictate to him every unsolved crime he can confess to… so it totally looks like you’re not a bunch of incompetent thugs.

Anyway we can all sleep at night now, because Yaakov Teitel has finally been brought to justice for pipe bombing gay arab Jesus with an M-16.

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One thought on “Shin Bet Arrests Yaakov Teitel for Killing Jesus

  1. Sammy Finkelman says:

    Where did you hear that Jack Teitel was beaten for three days? What I read iuis taht he has been in prison since October 7th?

    Also do yuou hhave anything more about teh Shhasbak being KNOWN for planting weapons.

    Otherwise I like this humor. And I like the point about these being entrely diifferent crimes – I noted that the 1997 crimes were very different thahn the post 2006 ones.

    I have made a number of points about this thing:

    1 ) It would be good to know what facts you can rely on, because it would help in piecing together what happened here.

    2) The comments from IMRA are very good.

    3) Something seems wrong with the confession, and Ya’akov Teitel apparently also attempted to confess to at least one thing (the Tel Aviv attack) and maybe many things, he didn’t do.

    4) There doesn’t seem to be any more evidence linking him to the 1997 murders than there was in the year 2000, when he was first suspected of this, and at that time, rightly or wrongly, they let him go. The only thing new is his confessions and there isn’t a single solitary piece of corroborating evidence beyond whatever might have existed then, and the crimes are different in character than the 2006-2008 ones he accused of doing.

    The 1997 crimes were shootings (to which has now been added a nonfatal stabbing) but the later crimes were bombs with not a single shooting in the bunch.

    5) We are now supposed to believe that everything he did or might have done he did entirely on his own, including getting the weapons – that he smuggled a gun with himself on British Airways in 1997 – possible but unlikely – and then used it twice to kill an Arab and later discarded the weapon and left the country, and that when he made aliya in the year 2000 – or later – he smuggled more guns into Israel, and he did not acquire a single weapon in Israel nor did have any help either in learning how to use the guns or how to build bombs and maybe he learned how to use guns because his father was a dentist for the U.S. Marines!!

    6) He first came to the attention of the police on October 7th because he was spotted putting up posters in Har Nof in Jerusalem justifying the Tel Aviv bombing, and the police at first tried to blame him for that attack, and he confessed even, although he later disputed it, because he had an alibi, and they had to drop those charges because at that very moment he had been driving a man and his wife about to give birth and they passed lie detector tests (a lie detector test is the only or best way to determine whether that is true? There are no other witnesses or records, not even doctors and nurses? The lie detector test must have ben a face saving way of dropping that charge without having to explain why they didn’t do it earlier.)

    There is the claim in the New York Times that they were following him all along but I wonder if they did anything more than connect the bombings together rather than connect them to him.
    http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/02/world/middleeast/02israel.html?_r=1

    7) It would be interesting to know if there really was a bomb factory in his house or anywhere he went.

    8) It would be interesting to know if really was in trouble in the United States when he came to Israel in the year 2000. and if so, it would be interesting to know what it was.

    9) All but one of the bombings seem to be motivated by religious feelings, rather than nationalism, or they are against the police, and the exception could have a more personal motive. But then again the police probably wrote the excplanations

    110) The article from IsraelNN.com quoted by Arutz Sheva may have an inaccuracy. That one says he is a former U.S. Marine, but another article says he may have learned to use weapons because he father was a dentist for the Marines -n and you wouldn’t say that if you thought he really was a Marine and it is not the kind of thing to propose if you don’t know whether he was a Marine, so it must be that somebody knew he wasn’t, and making him aa Marine might be a rather easy mistake for a reporter or his source to make..

    11) The thought occurred to me that if the weapons were really found in his house – and the one at another location – is really linked to him – then the most logical reason would be that he was hiding them for somebody else – perhaps there were some thoughts of armed resistance against an attempt to evacuate his or other settlements.

    None of these weapons, nor anything similar, are supposed to have been used in the more recent crimes.

    If so, if he was hiding them, he probably would do his best to hide the involvement of any other people, and if it took confessing to 100 crimes, he would do it. People also confess just to get out of a bad situation, and also because they think they might be suspected of something a lot worse – just so long as they don’t accuse him of X, a person might say anything that the investigatior seems to believe. It’s a principle in the Gemorah even that a person never says anything bad against himself – so if somebody is doing this, there has to be some special reason. Guilty people are not likely to confess when interrogated just because they are guilty.

    11) A sheverer kasha:

    Q. If Jack Teitel acted completely alone in everything he did, then how could the police have had acccurate “intelligence information” tht he had been involved in two murders in 1997?

    What was the “intelligence information?” Ruach HaKodesh? Or something we would know now was unfounded?

    Or shall we say, it was some sort of personal background facts from which somebody could have drawn an inference. But then what would connect him to THOSE murders, as opposed to just general suspicion that he might have done something bad in Israel? The fact that he was an American, spent time in settlements and later left Israel and those two murders happened while he was in Israel? Was that it?

    And if they truly suspected him at that time, and it wasn’t something that they knew was wrong, and also he indeed smuggled in weapons in a shipping container at the same time he was arrested, then how was it that the weapons were not discovered?

    You see, there are a lot of things wrong here with the picture. A person also is very unlikely to train himself to build bombs successfully without either creating a lot of duds, or injuring or killing himself and without even any test explosions (and why would that be left out of confession?)

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