Only Jesus Can Make Tiger Woods Keep It In His Pants

You may have heard that Brit Hume found the perfect solution to Tiger Woods’ troubles. Jesus. As we all know Jesus believers have a fantastic track record of not cheating on their wives, especially if they’re televangelists. So Brit Hume’s recommendation that Tiger Woods climb on board the Jesus express made huge sense.

Except Brit Hume wasn’t recommending that Tiger Woods find Jesus so he can stop having sex with women who aren’t his wife. Brit Hume was recommending that Tiger Woods find Jesus, because only Jesus (not Buddha) can forgive him for being a giant sleazeball.

“I don’t think that faith [Woods’ Buddhism] offers the kind of forgiveness and redemption that is offered by the Christian faith. So my message to Tiger would be, ‘Tiger, turn to the Christian faith, and you can make a total recovery and be a great example to the world.'”

No one doubts that Tiger Woods has a better shot of getting a dead man from 2000 years ago to forgive him for sleeping with a bunch of white trash, than getting his wife to forgive him for it. But maybe instead of recommending that Tiger Woods jump on the Jesus Express in order to get Instaforgiveness from Jeebus, maybe Brit Hume should suggest that he actually reconcile with his wife and fix his family first.

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that if Tiger Woods wants to learn to keep it in his pants, he should give up on Christianity, and go for Judaism instead. Because we’re not about forgiveness, we’re about slapping you upside the head and telling you to stop cheating on your wife.

If you want a longhaired hippie who goes around proclaiming LET HE WHO IS WITHOUT SIN BLAH BLAH, which gives Tiger Woods a blank check to go back to screwing anything blonde with cleavage that walks past him, then by all means, Tiger Woods should find Jesus. If you want a religion that’s actually intolerant of sin, there’s us. Not that I want Tiger Woods converting to Judaism. Because that’s the difference between me and Brit Hume.

Brit Hume sees a celebrity in the sewer and can’t wait to drag him into a church and teach him to testify about how finding Jesus changed his sinful ways. Then he can beg viewers to send in money on CBN or TBN or whatever it’s called now.

On to American Thinker then, which explains to us why trying to convert people all the time is so great.

But let’s cut through the nonsense here. I’m always amused when people object to others’ efforts to convert them, especially since it’s a daily occurrence. What I mean is that conversion is the business of most of the world — and it’s especially the business of the commentators criticizing Hume. Democrats want to convert others into Democrats, liberals want to convert others to liberalism, Muslims to Islam, Coca-Cola to Coke-drinkers, Ford to Ford-drivers, dairy farmers to milk-drinkers

Which one of these is not like the others? When Christians compare the seriousness of worshiping one god over another, by comparing it to switching to Diet Coke or driving a Ford Taurus, you can see how seriously they take their own religion.

Also there’s the whole legacy of converting people through conquering and murdering them, or just plain intimidation. Or how about shaming them on national television and then telling them that only Jesus can help them redeem their career.

“By any measure, we are grossly inefficient in health-care delivery compared to our industrialized competitors.” Is that like Buddhism being grossly inefficient in salvation-delivery compared to Christianity?

Say what you will about the Catholic Church, but at least they understand the difference between a commodity and religion. Evangelicals don’t even know the difference anymore.

What is far more offensive — at least, to any discerning intellect — is the profound stupidity and prejudice reflected in a double-standard that denies only Christians (and perhaps a few other groups) the right to advocate their beliefs.

Who denies Christians the right? But if you’re going to suggest that Tiger Woods can fix his pants problems by finding Jesus, other people will advocate their beliefs by mocking you for it.

And if Katie Couric had suggested that Scientology could fix Tiger Woods’ problems. Or if Richard Gere recommended ultra-Buddhism, or any famous person recommended any other belief system, do you think they wouldn’t be mocked for it too?

Yet something must now be asked about this notion that “faith is a private matter.” If secularists are so adamant about it, why do they never admonish the Richard Dawkinses and Christopher Hitchenses of the world to mind the principle?

And if Christians are so adamant about faith being a public matter, why do they get upset about Dawkins and Hitchens, and skits that mock Christianity?

In reality, though, if there is no reason for religious proselytization, there is also no reason for the political variety.

Again diet coke vs jesus. Fundies can’t seem to tell the two apart. But let’s start by pointing out that political arguments are debates over facts. Religious arguments are debates over beliefs. You can win a political argument, but you can’t win a religious one, except with a stupid person or with a sword. This is why we don’t usually have them anymore.

Many people are uncomfortable with this, as they fear the messy business of actually determining what Truth is. Thus do they embrace religious-equivalency doctrine and claim that all faiths are morally equal. But since different religions do espouse different values, they cannot all be morally equal unless all values are so.

I’d love to see the author cite the differences in moral values between religions. Except for abortion, which is a split inside Christianity, there aren’t many real values differences. Oh yeah, except some people value wanting to be left alone, and other people have the value of dressing up in starched white shirts and come to their doors and annoy them.

The author still can’t seem to use the G word. God. It’s not the values that are different. It’s the divine revelations that are. It’s the entire idea of God. By not mentioning it, the author displays a frightening ignorance of religion, the subject he’s supposed to be talking.

Perhaps politics should be a private matter, too.

Maybe it should.

Of course, settling these matters really is messy business. This is why we hear, “Never discuss religion or politics,” an admonition as stupid as the counsel “Faith is a private matter.” Both are prescriptions for superficiality because logically rendered, they mean, “Never discuss anything of importance.”

Actually they mean, don’t start pointless arguments that can never be settled. Or don’t be a jackass. Advice lost on the author.

So today, we live a contradiction. We seek to convert politically while condemning as intolerant those who seek to convert religiously. Thus we fail to realize that politics and religion are inextricably linked. After all, politics is about putting into practice what is good, and this is impossible unless there is a knowable good.

So now the author is claiming that politics can only derive from religion. So why bother with politics at all then? Let’s jettison politics and just have each church elect representatives to run the country.

And there cannot be good in a real sense unless there is moral Truth — something outside of and above man that is the yardstick for making value judgments — and this implies God. Thus, we cannot determine good as a society unless we discuss Truth and God — those things categorized under “religion.” Ergo, faith is not a private matter.

Do we have to determine good as a society at all? Isn’t government about running the institutions we need, not about telling us how to live our lives? Maybe that’s why politics should be private too. And then we wouldn’t have idiots from both sides breathing our necks.

And that’s the point. When people decide they can speak for God, they begin playing God. They begin telling others they can be saved and redeemed. They can begin deciding who should live and die. And then they decide that politics is just religion by another name.

But let’s get back on topic. When did Tiger Woods ever promote his political or religious beliefs to Brit Hume? Sure he peddled everything from Gatorade to sports watches and magazines, but when did he ever try to convert Brit Hume to Buddhism? And as nasty as the details of his private life might be, does anyone really think that if a FOX news anchor was caught in a whorehouse, Tiger Woods would have gone on TV to advise him that Buddhism might be better for controlling his pants.

Report of the Bulletin of the International World Alliance of Messianic Judaism Worldwide in Rosh Pina Project Colada

Brethren and Cistern of Rosh Pina Project Colada

There isn’t a day that doesn’t go by in the Holy Land when we (the Real Jews) Ya’buuudim aren’t oppressed by the Jews (the Fake Jews). Why every day those cunning low down dirty Jews (Fake Jews) who have occupied our Holy Land (Ya’aretz Fusraelle) make fun of us for trying to preach the Gospel of the Lard Yeshua HaChristina yAguillera , who rose from the dead for their sins.

Why just yesterday our brother in Yeshua (Ye’pshua), Rabbi Leroy Brown (Re’abi Learoy Baruun) was denied a visa because he was not a Jew. Now who but the racist Jews (fake Jews) dare say that Rabbi Leroy Brown is not a Jew. Why he’s as Jewish, as Brother Bill McSheygetz, Stepbrother Luis Maricon and Sister Mary Caponella, or me, Father George Sweeney of Rosh Pina Project Colada.

But even though our Lard Yeshua Crackers fulfilled EVERY SINGLE ONE of the prophecies that our translators stuck into their Bible, they insist on sticking to their bizarre laws which the Lard admitted WERE A MISTAKE THAT HE DIDN’T REALLY MEAN. And in the meantime the Believers (real Jews) are harassed daily by terror squads of Lubavitch/Gur Hassidim who beat us with their fur hats and won’t take our sacred leaflets of the Word of the Lard!

Right now the only folk we can spread the good word to are already Christian Ethiopians and elderly Russian drunks who go from church to church to cash in and get free food. And the clock is ticking! The New Testament proclaims that Salvation is Of the Jews. Which means we the Real Jews (real fake Jews) have to replace the Fake Jews (real Jews) before it’s too late, or we’re doomed to spend forever back in Tennessee listening to some Church youth rap group practice their latest number, “What a Wicked Friend We Have in Our Homie, Jesus”.

And the only way we can do this is with your money. Believers are working their holy asses off to bring the word to the Fake Real Jews, but we can’t do it without a lot of your donations. We’re invading Israel. We’re going into their coffee shops and getting kicked out for telling people they’re going to hell. But that’s okay. We came prepared for that. We’re martyrs, just like all the Jews our ancestors killed because they wouldn’t take our illuminated parchment leaflets back in the Middle Ages. But it ain’t no fun being a martyr without a Mercedes Benz (send Martyrdom\Mercedes Benz donations to: ROSH PINA PROJECT COLADA C/O REAL JEW BIBLE COLLEGE C/O INTERNATIONAL WORLDWIDE ALLIANCE OF MESSIANIC JUDIASM IN TENNESSEE, 6012 ROBERT E. LEE RD, KILLAJEW, TENNESSEE).

We’re doing our part for the Lard. We’re holding our Davidic dances. We’re annoying tourists. We’re visiting Ukrainian prostitutes and bringing them to the Lard, and tipping them afterward. But are you doing yours? You have NO IDEA how bad it is out here. The heat, the humidity, the rejection. Our reverend leader, Rav Sheigetz McSkutz has almost given up hope and is ready to take his beautiful real Jewish wife, Beulah Cohanstein, back to Teneesee and his job serving burgers at the Great All-American Fried Roadkill Cafe. Only your money can make the difference!

Every day we’re sweating it to bring the message of Yeshua Crackers to the Fake Real Jew (Yabaduoum), and our congregation in the House of Da’veed, United Congregation of Baal, grows every time an Ethiopian on an expired visa needs an air conditioned place to spend an hour on sunday. So many people who were already Christians in the Holy Land are being brought to know our Lard and Shaver. But it’s not enough. We’ve done our Davidic dances to Baal (Yeshua Ha’Crotchety), and we don’t doubt that somewhere he is listening to us, unless he’s had some sour grapes and is in the john. But only if you donate right now.

I tell you we’re so close. Them Real Fake Jews already believe that a man is their messiah, an old guy named Scheenerson or something. Why can’t they believe in our man? We at Rosh Pina Project Colada have a man god too, and ours is so much cooler. He’s anorexic and asexual. We’ve got frakking homoerotic portraits of him hanging everywhere. We’ve got a sacrament to commemorate the time he turned an ordinary can of sugar into high quality Colombian cocaine.

Even as you’re reading this, dozens of cocaine addicted believers are scratching their noses and pretending to be Jews. For the Lard! We’re trying to reach the Jewish people with a message of love. Okay mostly hate, but our loving message of hate lets them know how much our Lard and Shaver, Joshua Crackerbox loves them and hates them, and wants them to be in a sexually ambiguous relationship with him too! And we need your help. Send us cocaine! Mountains and mountains of cocaine.

The zionist pharisee orthodjews won’t let us bring in sacramental cocaine because they know its power! They say it’s illegal. The very same people who crucified our lard on a cross of wood are crucifying our cocaine. Something must be done! Set our righteous Christian cocaine free! Liberate the martyrs of our meth labs. Don’t let the pharisees nail our PCP to a cross just like they did the lamb of gawd! Call your congressman! Call your Senator! Call your President. And pray for us for we are going cold turkey. Amen.

Remember the clock is ticking. Before the End Times come, we have to replace all the goddamn Jews so Gawd has no choice but to take us instead. Brother Leroy Brown, Sister Maria Capone, Stepbrother Luis Maricon and his Holiness, Father Bill Sweeney are counting on you to help the International World Global Messianic Alliance do it before it’s too late.

With Faith in Your Money

Rabbi Sheigetz McSkutz
PhD, DD, ADD from Moody Bible College
Rabbinical Degree from Tennessee Jew College teaching Jew Stuff
Rosh Pina Project Colada

Stupid Commentary Tricks: ” Why Jews Hate Palin “

Jennifer Rubin at Commentary wrote up a BS article which is sure to get a lot of play on some right wing blogs “explaining” why “Jews hate Palin”. Her premise is that Jews are aberrant in disliking Palin. All that Jennifer Rubin really does is argue that liberal Jews hate Palin, but she works hard to hide that.

There is no group so firmly in the latter camp as American Jews. And there is much to learn in their reaction to Palin, both about her and about the sociological makeup of American Jewry today.

From the inflammatory title, Why Jews Hate Palin, to her premise, Rubin tries to claim that Jews are extraordinary haters of Palin. But is that actually true?

In a September 2008 poll by the American Jewish Committee (AJC), Jews disapproved of Palin as the pick for McCain’s vice-presidential running mate by a 54 to 37 percent margin.

That’s a weak argument, especially when a Newsweek poll a few weeks later found that 55 percent of Americans thought she was unqualified.

Ask an average American Jew about Palin and you are likely to get a nonverbal response—a shiver, a shudder, a roll of the eyes, or a guffaw. Naomi Wolf, the feminist writer

WTF? Naomi Wolf, radical pro-Hamas lefty, is Jennifer Rubin’s idea of an “average American Jew”? I repeat WTF? Naomi Wolf who wants to boycott Israel. Naomi Wolf who claimed that Bush was the second coming of Hitler? Al Gore’s wardrobe adviser Naomi Wolf? Once again WTF?

Calling Naomi Wolf an average American Jew is like calling Michael Moore an average American. But just wait… who’s Jennifer Rubin’s next “average American Jew”?

Prominent Jews like Reagan-era arms-control official Kenneth Adelman, who expressed great admiration for McCain, proclaimed that the selection of Palin was beyond reason:

From Jennifer Rubin’s neat little summary there, you would assume that Adelman was a Jewish McCain supporter who didn’t like Palin. WRONG. Kenneth Adelman was an Obama supporter. He’s a Huffington Post blogger. He voted for Obama, not McCain.

Kenneth Adelman may still not be unrepresentative, but disguising his actual politics this way is dishonest. All Jennifer Rubin had to do was at least insert the phrase “but chose to support Obama” into that sentence.

But there’s nothing short of brain surgery that could fix her attempt to present Naomi Wolf as representative of American Jews. Let alone that Naomi Wolf was expressing a Jewish viewpoint, rather than a radical left wing feminist one.

This article is a lot of horse dung. I haven’t read through the whole article just the abstract, but the abstract alone is bad enough. David Frum has more, though I don’t agree with most of what he has to say. But I agree that all Jennifer Rubin did was show that liberals and a lot of Americans in general have issues with Sarah Palin.