Brethren and Cistern of Rosh Pina Project Colada
There isn’t a day that doesn’t go by in the Holy Land when we (the Real Jews) Ya’buuudim aren’t oppressed by the Jews (the Fake Jews). Why every day those cunning low down dirty Jews (Fake Jews) who have occupied our Holy Land (Ya’aretz Fusraelle) make fun of us for trying to preach the Gospel of the Lard Yeshua HaChristina yAguillera , who rose from the dead for their sins.
Why just yesterday our brother in Yeshua (Ye’pshua), Rabbi Leroy Brown (Re’abi Learoy Baruun) was denied a visa because he was not a Jew. Now who but the racist Jews (fake Jews) dare say that Rabbi Leroy Brown is not a Jew. Why he’s as Jewish, as Brother Bill McSheygetz, Stepbrother Luis Maricon and Sister Mary Caponella, or me, Father George Sweeney of Rosh Pina Project Colada.
But even though our Lard Yeshua Crackers fulfilled EVERY SINGLE ONE of the prophecies that our translators stuck into their Bible, they insist on sticking to their bizarre laws which the Lard admitted WERE A MISTAKE THAT HE DIDN’T REALLY MEAN. And in the meantime the Believers (real Jews) are harassed daily by terror squads of Lubavitch/Gur Hassidim who beat us with their fur hats and won’t take our sacred leaflets of the Word of the Lard!
Right now the only folk we can spread the good word to are already Christian Ethiopians and elderly Russian drunks who go from church to church to cash in and get free food. And the clock is ticking! The New Testament proclaims that Salvation is Of the Jews. Which means we the Real Jews (real fake Jews) have to replace the Fake Jews (real Jews) before it’s too late, or we’re doomed to spend forever back in Tennessee listening to some Church youth rap group practice their latest number, “What a Wicked Friend We Have in Our Homie, Jesus”.
And the only way we can do this is with your money. Believers are working their holy asses off to bring the word to the Fake Real Jews, but we can’t do it without a lot of your donations. We’re invading Israel. We’re going into their coffee shops and getting kicked out for telling people they’re going to hell. But that’s okay. We came prepared for that. We’re martyrs, just like all the Jews our ancestors killed because they wouldn’t take our illuminated parchment leaflets back in the Middle Ages. But it ain’t no fun being a martyr without a Mercedes Benz (send Martyrdom\Mercedes Benz donations to: ROSH PINA PROJECT COLADA C/O REAL JEW BIBLE COLLEGE C/O INTERNATIONAL WORLDWIDE ALLIANCE OF MESSIANIC JUDIASM IN TENNESSEE, 6012 ROBERT E. LEE RD, KILLAJEW, TENNESSEE).
We’re doing our part for the Lard. We’re holding our Davidic dances. We’re annoying tourists. We’re visiting Ukrainian prostitutes and bringing them to the Lard, and tipping them afterward. But are you doing yours? You have NO IDEA how bad it is out here. The heat, the humidity, the rejection. Our reverend leader, Rav Sheigetz McSkutz has almost given up hope and is ready to take his beautiful real Jewish wife, Beulah Cohanstein, back to Teneesee and his job serving burgers at the Great All-American Fried Roadkill Cafe. Only your money can make the difference!
Every day we’re sweating it to bring the message of Yeshua Crackers to the Fake Real Jew (Yabaduoum), and our congregation in the House of Da’veed, United Congregation of Baal, grows every time an Ethiopian on an expired visa needs an air conditioned place to spend an hour on sunday. So many people who were already Christians in the Holy Land are being brought to know our Lard and Shaver. But it’s not enough. We’ve done our Davidic dances to Baal (Yeshua Ha’Crotchety), and we don’t doubt that somewhere he is listening to us, unless he’s had some sour grapes and is in the john. But only if you donate right now.
I tell you we’re so close. Them Real Fake Jews already believe that a man is their messiah, an old guy named Scheenerson or something. Why can’t they believe in our man? We at Rosh Pina Project Colada have a man god too, and ours is so much cooler. He’s anorexic and asexual. We’ve got frakking homoerotic portraits of him hanging everywhere. We’ve got a sacrament to commemorate the time he turned an ordinary can of sugar into high quality Colombian cocaine.
Even as you’re reading this, dozens of cocaine addicted believers are scratching their noses and pretending to be Jews. For the Lard! We’re trying to reach the Jewish people with a message of love. Okay mostly hate, but our loving message of hate lets them know how much our Lard and Shaver, Joshua Crackerbox loves them and hates them, and wants them to be in a sexually ambiguous relationship with him too! And we need your help. Send us cocaine! Mountains and mountains of cocaine.
The zionist pharisee orthodjews won’t let us bring in sacramental cocaine because they know its power! They say it’s illegal. The very same people who crucified our lard on a cross of wood are crucifying our cocaine. Something must be done! Set our righteous Christian cocaine free! Liberate the martyrs of our meth labs. Don’t let the pharisees nail our PCP to a cross just like they did the lamb of gawd! Call your congressman! Call your Senator! Call your President. And pray for us for we are going cold turkey. Amen.
Remember the clock is ticking. Before the End Times come, we have to replace all the goddamn Jews so Gawd has no choice but to take us instead. Brother Leroy Brown, Sister Maria Capone, Stepbrother Luis Maricon and his Holiness, Father Bill Sweeney are counting on you to help the International World Global Messianic Alliance do it before it’s too late.
With Faith in Your Money
Rabbi Sheigetz McSkutz
PhD, DD, ADD from Moody Bible College
Rabbinical Degree from Tennessee Jew College teaching Jew Stuff
Rosh Pina Project Colada