Ira Chernus Writes About Israel, World Yawns

I know what you’re thinking. Who or what the hell is an Ira Chernus? And how do I get it out of my kitchen. According to his bio he’s a Professor of Religious Studies, University of Colorado at Boulder and looks like a lawn gnome someone forgot to hose for three years running. Which makes him completely qualified to talk about Israel. And by that, I mean write unpaid columns for the Huffington Post and Salon, which will print anyone with enough drool on their sweater vest. And you get it out of your kitchen with roach spray.

What do you get when a moron writes an article about Israel? You get ‘Moronics” (Not to be confused with the Church of Moronology)

Sit tight kiddies, Uncle Ira Chernus will hitch up his red diaper and clue you in on the truth about Israel

—-Blah blah Jewishlobbyrunstheworld blah blah blah MoreJewishLobby blah blah blah JewishLobbyStoleMyFaceAndReplacedItWithaDennysPlaceMat blah blah blah—

Israel actually promotes three separate myths of insecurity, although its PR machine weaves them into a single tightly knit fabric. To grasp the reality behind it, the three strands have to be teased apart and examined separately.

I bet Ira is real proud of that sentence. He spent a week knitting that metaphor together only to get the strands of it tangled in his teeth.

Myth Number 1: Israel’s existence is threatened by the ever-present possibility of military attack. In fact, there’s no chance that any of Israel’s neighbors will start a war to wipe out Israel. They know their history. Despite its size, ever since its war of independence in 1948, the Israeli military has been a better equipped, better trained, more effective, and in virtually every case a successful fighting force.

Hear that kids. Israel has had the BEST ARMY SINCE 1948. And it has never been attacked since 1948. NEVER. NOT ONCE.

There’s no chance that Israel’s neighbors will attack it. At all. Just like they didn’t in 1967 or 1978. It’s downright INCONCEIVABLE. Egypt knows its history so well, that it celebrates the Yom Kippur War as a victory. Which means they’ll never do it again. Even when the next leader of Egypt just threatened to go to war against Israel. IT CAN’T HAPPEN.

Isn’t it great when a moron destroys his own argument in the same paragraph he makes it. I bless Israel that all its enemies may be as dumb as Ira Chernus.

While the Israeli government constantly sounds alarms about imagined Iranian nuclear weapons — though its intelligence services now suggest Iran won’t have even one before 2015 at the earliest — Israel remains the region’s only nuclear power for the foreseeable future.

The foreseeable future according to Ira Chernus is 4 years. Sorry 3 and a half.

According to Ira Chernus he will live forever for the foreseeable future. Until he trips over his own shoelaces and falls into a clown’s ass.

To deliver its most powerful weapons, Israel can rely on its 100 land-based missile launchers, 200 aircraft armed with cruise missiles, and (according to “repeated press reports”) cruise-missile-armed submarines. The subs are key, of course, since they ensure that no future blow delivered to Israel would ever lack payback.

Unless the subs are in the strike zone. And since Israel is such a huge country and its territorial waters are so vast…

In sum, none of the nations that Israel casts as a threat to its very existence can pose an existential military danger.

Which is obviously true. Because Egypt, Syria and Iran may outnumber Israel in manpower and resources, and Egypt and Syria have fought several wars against Israel… but they can’t pose an existential military danger because a Professor of Religious Studies as the University of Colorado at Boulder says so. And he must be right. And history must be wrong.

Myth Number 2: The personal safety of every Jewish Israeli is threatened daily by the possibility of violent attack. In fact, according to Israeli government statistics, since the beginning of 2009 only one Israeli civilian (and two non-Israelis) have been killed by politically motivated attacks inside the green line (Israel’s pre-1967 border). Israelis who live inside that line go about their daily lives virtually free from such worry.

Which is because Israel has locked down Gaza, built a separation wall and uses checkpoints. All stuff that Ira Chernus opposes.

This is like the ACLU claiming that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed isn’t really a threat because he’s in Guantanamo Bay. Which he is over their fracking opposition.

Also bus bombing in Jerusalem just last month.

As a result, the insecurity myth has come to focus on rockets — the real ones launched from Gaza and the imaginary ones that supposedly could be launched from a future Palestinian state in the West Bank.

And the ones actually launched from the West Bank.

Those rockets are part of an ongoing war in which each side uses the best weapons it has. The Palestinians, of course, have access to none of the high-tech Israeli guidance systems. Their weaponry tends to be crude and often homemade. They shoot their rockets, most of them unguided, and let them fall where they may (which means the vast majority harm no one).

If Israel used the best weapon it had, Gaza and the West Bank would be smoking craters glowing as brightly as Ira Chernus’s mother’s womb was when he was a baby.

Also this month they used an anti-tank missile on a fracking school bus. Why not use it on a tank? Because tanks shoot back. School buses don’t. But we can’t blame the Martyrs of Frackistan for being cowards. Each side uses the best weapons it has. Israel has courage, Palestinians have a religious phobia brought on by latent homosexual tendencies.

The logic of the myth goes back to the premise of the earliest Zionists: All gentiles are implacably and eternally anti-semitic. By this logic, any attack on one Jew, no matter how random, becomes evidence that all Jews are permanently threatened with extinction.

Adolf Hitler on the phone. Sorry Ira, you can’t just lift entire sections from my book. It’s not cool, man. We’re on the same page here, but you still gotta give it up for the man.

Most Zionists have been unable to see that once they founded a state committed to regional military superiority, they were bound to be on the receiving as well as the giving end of acts of war.

But they were on the receiving end of war… before the state was founded.

The Jewish community of Hebron should have thought through its posture of regional military superiority of reading books and praying, before they were on the receiving end of a Muslim Massacre (TM).

There have always been people who saw the Jewish state, imposed on indigenous Palestinians, as illegitimate.

and by people he means morlocks

Were Israel to start behaving by accepted international moral norms, the BDS movement would fade from the scene quickly enough, ending the crisis of “delegitimization” — just as the rockets from Gaza might well cease.

I’m on the same page as Cousin Ira here.

If Israel starts treating Gaza the way China or Russia or 90 percent of the world would, the rockets would go away and so would the crisis.

But here’s the reality of this moment: The only genuine threat to Israel’s security comes from its own oppressive policies, which are the fuel propelling the BDS movement.

Also antisemitism would go away if Jews just stopped being so darn hateful.

Adolf still doesn’t get the credit he deserves. “If Jews stop picking fights with me, there will be peace. Odderwise final solution.”

But what if the American public knew the facts that Obama acknowledged? What if every solemn reference to Israel’s “security needs” were greeted not with nodding heads, but with the eye-rolling skepticism it deserves? What if Israel’s endless excesses and excuses — its claims that the occupation of the West Bank and the economic strangulation of Gaza are necessary “for the sake of security” — were regularly scoffed at by most Americans?

And what if they made Ira Chernin their king! And built him a throne made out of used bubble gum! And declared Fellatio a national holiday! And replaced President’s Day with Down With Israel Day! And got Noam Chomsky brain transplants!

The crowds are in the streets. They’re chanting. “We love you Ira. We’re going to tear down Tel Aviv in your name. You are our new Jesus”. And then Ira wakes up to soiled sheets and goes to check the comments on his Huffington Post article. “One day,” he thinks, “one day.”