Thomas Friedman for President!

Every day Thomas Friedman gets paid trillions of dollars to write stupid things as a long running joke on New York Times readers. Some day the joke will be explained to them. Then it will be explained to Thomas Friedman, who won’t get it. So they’ll have to make a picture book about it just for him.

Until then. Meet your new President and his fake stache. Thomas L. Friedman!

Maybe it is just my friends, but I find more and more people completely disgusted by this situation and looking for a serious Third Party candidate who could run in 2012

No, no. It’s not just your friends who want you to run for President… because they’re mean people and think it would be really funny. All of America is just like them. Eagerly waiting for the Sage of the Ugly Gray Lady to get off his Vespa and save this country! Now.

The truth is, we need to do four things at once if we have any hope of maintaining American greatness:

Five things if you count hunting for spiders in Friedman’s stache.

We need more stimulus to keep the economy from slipping back into recession. But we need to combine that stimulus with a credible, legislated, long-term plan for cutting spending and getting the deficit under control

My Fellow Americans, we need to spend money like drunken sailors to save the economy and have a credible long term plan to cut spending and get someone up here to bring me my pants. Wait, what’s the third thing?

And we need to raise new revenues in order to reinvest in the sources of our strength: education, infrastructure and government-funded research to push out the boundaries of knowledge.

Those are the sources of our strength? What about plutonium?

The Thomas Friedman plan, raise taxes and spend more money on schools, highways and government funded research to resurrect Carl Sagan as a zombie. Also have a long term plan for cutting spending. It’s like the Obama plan to fix the economy, but with more Sagan zombies.

That’s right. We need to do four things at once: spend, cut, tax and invest.

It takes a truly superior mind to propose a bunch of contradictory things and call it a bold plan.

We need to mow the lawn, set the lawn on fire, make love to the lawn and take good care of the lawn. The Thomas Friedman way!

So what we’re basically saying as a country is that unless the market or Mother Nature make us pay, we are going to hand this whole bill over to our children.

But at least our children will grow up never having to read Thomas Friedman because all their lawns will be on fire as per Friedman’s 2013 Save Our Lawns By Setting Them On Fire initiative.

Maybe it is just my friends, but I find more and more people completely disgusted by this situation and looking for a serious Third Party candidate who could run in 2012 and deliver the shock therapy to the corrupt, encrusted, two-party duopoly now running the show in America.

…while bringing back the porn stache at the same time.

Take that corrupt encrusted duopoly! Here’s some shock and awe courtesy of Friedman’s facial hair.

Such a Third Party would have a simple agenda: 1) Inject a short-term stimulus. 2) Enact Simpson-Bowles. 3) Shrink our presence in Afghanistan. 4) Raise automobile mileage standards. 5) Impose a gasoline tax to pay for a massive increase in government-supported scientific research and a carbon tax to pay for new infrastructure and stimulate clean-power innovation.

So this third party would be the Democratic party and the Obama Administration, but with a snappier mustache.

Hope, Change and Stache

Do I think such a Third Party can win in 2012? Not likely. But it doesn’t have to win to be effective. If such a party attracted substantial voters on such a platform, it would shape the agendas of the Republicans and Democrats.

No it just has to siphon enough votes away from the Republican party by pretending to be a Third Party alternative so that Obama can win.