…Out Of My Warm Charred Hands

Millions of Americans have sex with light sockets every year. There’s a very simple reason for this. The light socket industry wants them to.

Hardly a day goes by when we don’t hear another tragic tale about a young man yanking down his pants and trying to copulate with a light socket. Some blame Hollywood for making light socket sex seem so attractive. Others are calling for a ban on light sockets.

“No one ever said that having a light socket was a civil right,” said Mandy Gorbachev, the founder of Moms Against Bullying LGBT Whales. “When the Constitution was made up, no one even had light sockets or even lights.”

“The Founders may not have had light sockets,” bellowed Barry Burnbiter, of Burn Down America, while brandishing an oil lamp, “but they had light making appatus which they clearly wanted us to use. Light sockets don’t have sex with people. People have sex with light sockets. It’s a choice.”

“A horrible terrible choice that sometimes ends in electrocution and death,” screamed Panse Miers, a disgraced British newspaper editor banished to America for publishing photoshopped photos of Prince Charles having sex with a lightbulb socket. “I can’t sexually abuse my children in a country where having sex with Prince Charles is legal.”

The debate is continuing with everyone screaming at the top of their lungs on every channel. Sometimes these debates are interrupted by reports that another teenager died having sex with a light socket. Experts insist that they have no idea where the teens get the idea that it’s cool to have sex with light sockets. People who aren’t allowed on the news however have suggested that it might be the news.

Alley Wannabase, star of hit film, “Sex With Light Sockets is Sexy Hot” has appeared in a video, “Demand a Ban”, demanding that light sockets be banned. When asked about the contradiction, Alley said that light socket sex in movies is just a fantasy and shouldn’t be confused with people having sex with light sockets in real life.

America’s Big Bulb, Bazooka Ogawa challenged the light bulb socket industry to agree to restrictions including locks on all light sockets and background checks of anyone buying a lamp complete with a ten day waiting period.

Second-in-Command, Bongo Stevenson said that anyone who needed to have sex with more than one light socket at a time wasn’t a real man.

The threat of a lamp ban sent customers into every Sears and Target in the country clearing lamps, lava lamps and even rodeo saddles off every discount store shelf in the country.

Unfortunately a Senate bill to ban anyone from owning more than one lamp has already died in committee.

An appalled Melinda Gorbachev, who has no children but has seen many pictures of them and one day plans to adopt one from China, condemned Congress for being in thrall to Big Lamps and has vowed to redouble her efforts to keep lamps out of the hands of people.