Why I Love Christmas by Rabbi Morton B. Smelder

Why I Love Christmas

by Rabbi Morton B. Smelder

A lot of Jewish liberals are whining about Christmas and I am here to say “I Love Christmas”. That’s right. I love it. And if you think that’s a strange thing for a Rabbi to say, you’re probably a godless liberal.

Sure you might have seen a dozen other Rabbis write columns on how much they love Christmas. But a lot of Rabbis may say they love Christmas and get book deals from Evangelical Christians; but do they really love Christmas?

I love Christmas so much that every Hanukkah I light a Menorah made out of candy canes. That’s right candy canes! Do those other Rabbis do that? Ha! I thought so.

Do they love Christmas so much they go Christmas caroling? Well I did and in March too! People hurled heavy objects at me from their windows which is a sign of how persecuted religious believers have become under the ACLU.

Do these Rabbis love Christmas so much that they come to Synagogue on Yom Kippur dressed as Santa Claus? No they don’t, but I did and it took three police officers to get me out while I tried to deliver my sermon on Tesuvah as epitomized by Charles Dickens’  A Christmas Carol. There is no clearer example of the War on Christmas.

None of those Rabbis can compete with me in my unholy love for Christmas. They write about Irving Berlin and watching Mass with their family and singing Christmas carols in their church choir, but they are taking the Christ out of Christmas.

Some Jews will put a Christmas tree in their home and call it a Hanukkah Bush. I proudly call my Christmas tree, a Christmas tree and I will not tolerate any politically correct suppression of Christmas in my home.

As an Orthodox Jew growing up in a devout Christmas home, my father taught me about the importance of Christmas by running into my room in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve and beating me over the head with an iron saucepan wrapped in gift wrap while screeching the words to White Christmas in a loud falsetto voice.

I never found out why he did this since he was institutionalized soon after and committed suicide by hanging himself with a noose made out of Christmas decorations in the asylum, but it made a big impression on me. It showed me how much my father was willing to sacrifice so that his Jewish sons could celebrate Christmas. And it left me with minor Christmas skull fractures so that my mind wanders and I sometimes just talk and talk without realizing what I’m…

Every Christmas eve, my Orthodox family sat down to watch the Mass live from the Vatican while fingering our rosaries without any conflict with our Orthodox Judaism. Our joy that our god was born in the form of a baby in Bethlehem did not detract from our Jewishness in any way.

Singing Christmas carols did not make Brett Z. Smelder, my half-brother, any less Jewish. And when he married a Shiksa in a cathedral that also did not make him any less Jewish. And today when he stands outside synagogues with a sign that says”Jesus WARNED US rabbis are TEMPEL OF THE devil” does not make him any less Jewish.

Watching the Mass did not make my sister, Sister Mary Therese of Our Sisters of Perpetual Bedlam, any less Jewish. And it didn’t make me, Rabbi Morton B. Smedler, a Julliard trained Rabbi, who spends all his time lecturing Christians on the wonder of Christmas, any less Jewish.

Today I continue our proud family tradition by teaching my children, Brent, Lolita and our adopted son Kwan, about the importance of Christmas together with my wife Charlene who brings her family’s wonderful Christmas traditions into our home.

And that’s why I’m here to say that I love Christmas. I love Christmas more than my wife, more than my children and almost as much as my lucrative book deals.

Christmas is the only thing in life that means anything to me anymore. And when I gift wrap a saucepan and start hitting my son over the head in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve, I know that somewhere up there my father is looking down on me and wishing he could hit me over the head too.

Rabbi Morton B. Smelder is probably a Rabbi. No one is sure. He says he is and that’s good enough for us. Rabbi Smelder is the author of 300 inspirational books including, “Greed is Godly: Capitalism is Divine”, “I Love Christmas”, “Down with Chanukah”, “Ham Soup for the Soul” and “Kosher Prostitution”.

If you want to read more of Rabbi Morton B. Smelder take a good look in the mirror because something is probably wrong with you.

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Neshama Carlebach: Still No Longer an Orthodox Jew

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“What that crazy white bitch doin?”

Not all of Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach’s songs were good, but  the surest way to ruin one of them was when he brought his daughter on to howl her “soulful white girl harmony” thing.

With Carlebach’s death, her career died too. It wasn’t just Kol Isha. If Neshama Carlebach had been genuinely talented, she could have done what she was doing anyway and succeeded at it.

But Neshama Carlebach sucked. She wasn’t the worst singer in the world. But there are ten thousand Jewish girls who can match her pathetic efforts. Take any random woman with four drinks in her trying out karaoke in a bar and you have Neshama’s “soulful” voice.

Without her father’s last name, she would have never had a career. Even with his last name, she couldn’t keep it.

And Neshama Carlebach wasn’t Orthodox. I don’t know why it took her this long to declare for Reform. Her anti-Israel politics and her level of observance was Reform all along. Maybe like Matisyahu she didn’t want to state the obvious because playing Orthodox gave her a certain amount of spiritual cred.

Or maybe she had so few people buying her albums that she was afraid of losing even a handful of them.

Neshama Carlebach has rebranded as Reform. Officially. She’s going Reform for the “spirituality”. Also there’s a whole new Jewish audience there that still doesn’t know how badly she sucks.

But that’s okay.

Reform Judaism’s idea of spiritual music is Baptist choirs. And that’s what Neshama Carlebach does these days. There will be plenty of Reform synagogues with audiences full of aging baby boomers there to listen to her do her white girl “soulful” singing while an actual black guy does the real singing.

Her father would be so proud. Not.