Yeshivat Chovevei Torah Rabbi Akiva Herzfeld: Celebrate Chanukah and Anal Sex

anal sex

Have yourself an anal sex Chanukah

“Rabbi” Akiva Herzfeld is a graduate of “Rabbi” Avi Weiss’ Yeshivat Chovevei Torah, a fake insane Orthodox seminary that dispenses with silly stuff like Halacha and Torah and Judaism for Marxism and anal sex.

According to Rabbi Akiva Herzfeld, a guy whose face looks like an anal sphincter, legal anal sex is like Chanukah.

The Jews had faith. They knew that God and justice were on their side in the battle against the Greeks. The Jews fought for their religious liberty, and this motivated them despite the odds against them.

The light of the menorah in the Temple in Jerusalem bore witness to the miraculous victory. The victorious Jews lit a small measure of pure oil in the Temple, and it burned for eight days

This Hanukkah, I celebrate the past and the present. With my very own eyes, I have seen a great miracle this year right here in Maine.

A small group of people, homosexuals and their supporters, stood up for their equal rights in marriage.

If Akiva Herzfeld had pried his face out from between another guy’s ass cheeks long enough to open a book, any book, even Dr. Seuss (Hubbard forbid that a graduate of Yeshivat Chovevei Torah should ever defile his cocaine stained hands with a Torah), he would have discovered that the faith of the Maccabees was in a religion that had the death penalty for butt sex.

And that they fought a Hellenic culture that was, like graduates of YCT, really into butt sex.

Also if Akiva had wandered down to tell the Maccabees while they were lighting the Menorah that they needed gay marriage, they would have set him on fire and there would have been no miracle because with all that slime oozing off him, he would have easily burned for eight days. (But the oil would have been impure.)

I am an ordained Orthodox rabbi. Orthodox Jews strictly observe the commandments of the Torah, the Hebrew Bible. Still, we should not impose our belief system on others and certainly should not discriminate against other human beings.

I have called and written letters to other Orthodox rabbis, asking them to support same-sex marriage rights in America, so that we do not discriminate against homosexuals.

1. You are not an Orthodox Rabbi. You are a Yeshivat Chovevei Torah grad. YCT makes Reform Judaism look good.

2. Orthodox Jews observe the commandments. The commandments include not leading someone else to stumble blindly by causing them to sin. A Rabbi endorsing gay marriage does just that.

3. This isn’t about non-discrimination. You are enthusiastically endorsing something that the Torah outlaws.

4. Stop lying

5. Become a Reform Rabbi. The hours are good and you get to spend lots of time singing with gospel choirs. You’re not going to change Orthodox Judaism into Reform Judaism.

Why? See Chanukah, The. You know how that ended. The good guys won. Your side lost. Your side always loses. Stop by a temple. Get all the legal anal sex you want. Carpe Diem it up.

Chanukah is about us celebrating the time we beat you. And a reminder that we’ll beat you again and again. (And not in the way that your gay club enjoys.)

“This Hanukkah as I light my menorah, I think of our modern battle that was won in Maine for equal rights.”

This Chanukah you defile a Menorah. Next Chanukah may the Jewish people be privileged to reclaim their temple and light a Menorah of pure oil.