There Is No Such Thing as a Gay Family

Dear Eshel Idiot,

Thank you for your letter to the Jewish 6 Towns Weekly Times Gazette. We were gratified to hear that your darling son David is happily married and that you want the Orthodox Jewish community to be more open to committed LGBTQXYZ relationships like his.

We’re sorry to inform you that your son isn’t married. He lives with a roommate. The roommate sometimes fucks him in the ass.

(Or whatever. It’s not our business. We’re going to lunch after this and we’d rather not think about it.)

No amount of ass fucking will ever make your David pregnant. Not even if he gets his shmeckel cut off and starts wearing a dress. It won’t make his roommate pregnant either.

Eventually they’ll have to buy a Filipino orphan to molest and take pictures with at Disneyland before selling him back once he becomes too old and just isn’t cute anymore.

And no amount of Filipino orphan molesting will make David and Steve a family. If you knew anything about human biology or the English language, you would understand that already.

It’s wonderful that you have decided to set up an LGBTQYUAP advocacy group for Orthodox Jews funded by a bunch of angry Lesbian Reform Rabbis all named Lucy who like to play lacrosse on the Shabbat.

Any money they spend on your stupid organization is money that they won’t send to Hamas or Yeshivat Chovevei Torah.

There are Orthodox Jews who fuck other men in the ass. There are also Orthodox Jews who fuck women they aren’t married to and sheep they aren’t married to.

We have a name for them. Sinners.

As a religion that believes in G-d and the Torah, we ask sinners to repent. We don’t “accept them as they are”. That’s what Rabbi Lucy over in Beit Zona v’Halalah does. If you want a religion that doesn’t believe in G-d’s commandments, go to her.

If you want a religion that does, then stop asking it to violate G-d’s commandments in order to accommodate your screwed up son.

There are no gay families. There are no gay Orthodox Jews. There are only ass clowns with self-esteem issues trying to make everyone else accept them to drown out the voice of their conscience telling them that they’re doing the wrong thing. If you were a halfway decent mother, you would stop accepting your son and start expecting things from him. Like an actual family.

Stop trying to dump your failure as a mother on us. Don’t blame G-d for it either. He didn’t make your son gay. No one is forced to have lots of anal sex except prison inmates. He made a bad choice. So did you. Don’t expect us to enable either one of you.

With love and blessings

The Jewish 6 Towns Weekly Times Gazette