Rabbis Condemn Disgusting Murder by Jewish Zealot

Rabbis Condemn Disgusting Murder by Jewish Zealot

Jews everywhere are reeling from a disgusting murder committed by a Jewish extremist fighting what he believed was immorality.

“He just went after them and killed both of them,” Mimri bat Shaul, the sister of the deceased man said. “His intolerance led to the murder of my brother and his girlfriend. And it must stop. We must teach our children that there is no such thing as right and wrong.”

Rabbis and Jewish leaders everywhere condemned the crime by Pinchas, who some have alleged was bitter at not having been made a Kohen.

“I don’t know where this troubled man got the idea that you can just kill someone committing an abomination in the eyes of God,” said Rabbi Hertzlich. “It certainly isn’t found anywhere in the Torah.”

Rabbi Hertzlich had visited Zimri in the hospital before he expired and spoke of holding the dying man’s hand.

“Whatever some have alleged, this man was a prince of Israel from a very nice family. Maybe he made a mistake, but who are we to judge? We are called on to love each other all the time.”

Other Jewish leaders expressed concern that the murder of a Midaanite princess would harm Israel in the eyes of the world and lead to a conflict with Midaan.

“What happens if the Midaanites attack us?” asked Baal Keri. “We need to send a diplomatic delegation to Midaan apologizing for our actions and offering them reparations and the promise that Pinchas will be punished.”

Some Jewish leaders used stronger words.

“We must vomit up this hatred from our midst,” Shaul, Zimri’s father, warned. “There can be no room in Judaism for intolerance. That is why we must find whoever gave this Pinchas his twisted ideas and drive him out of the Jewish people. Even if it goes right up to Moshe.”

Rabbi Hertzlich agreed that there was no room in Judaism for hatred. “That is why I am so deeply troubled by the reports that Moshe actually made Pinchas a Kohen. It sends the wrong message about our religion. I don’t know who this Hashem person is, but it’s time that He stopped perverting Judaism.”

Jewish Leaders Condemn Horrific Murder of Egyptian Babies

Shock and horror filled leaders of the Jewish community in the first hours after they learned that every single Egyptian first-born, including the infants, had been struck down at midnight.

“I don’t have the words to describe this crime,” said Machla Chalerya-Goldberg. “What happened makes me ashamed to be Jewish.”

While leading Jewish leaders from among the elders admitted that they had been involved in a dispute with the Egyptian government over centuries of slavery, none of them had ever wanted it to come to bloodshed.

“Just because they murdered our children, we should be happy that their children were killed?” asked Rabbi Hertzlich. “That is un-Jewish thinking. Now some of our people, chalila, are going into the homes of grieving families and shaking them down for their expensive jewelery as payment for our labor. Where were these animals raised?”

Instead Jewish leaders are taking up a collection for the grieving Egyptian families. Some of the money will be used to repair many of the idols that fell down during the horror that it being described as the final plague.

“Some people are actually happy about this atrocity,” Machla Chalerya-Goldberg said. “I don’t see anything Jewish about them. Formerly I wanted to leave slavery in Egypt, but now I have decided to stay and help the Egyptians rebuild rather than participate in some imperialistic journey into the desert to conquer and kill other people.”

“This tragedy has caused me to realize that my real home is here in Egypt. I call on all the Jews ungratefully leaving to appoint a new leader, turn around and return to Cairo.”

Rabbi Hertzlich refused to go that far. “I am willing to go along on this Exodus, but we must begin a dialogue with this Hashem person about acceptable and unacceptable tactics. I always wanted this liberation to be a non-violent protest movement. And now I’m worried about what He has in mind for Canaan. After all our suffering as Jews, we should be sensitive to the plight of the Jebusites and the many other people of Canaan. What good will it be if we leave slavery in Egypt only to enslave others in Canaan?”

While Rabbi Hertzlich packs for the trip into the desert, Machla Chalerya-Goldberg has organized a brigade of volunteers to begin rebuilding the pyramids.