Reconstructionist Judaism to Ordain Squirrels as Rabbis



“With this step forward, Reconstructionist Judaism sets out to right a historic wrong,” said Rabbi Willow Tambourine, the President of the Reconstructionist Rabbinical College of Unraveled Judaism.

And then she placed both hands on the head of a squirrel marking the ordination of the first Squirrel Rabbi.

Reconstructionist Judaism had previously ordained men, women, gay men, gay women, non-Jews, non-Jewish gay women, homeless people wandering in to use the bathroom at the rabbinical college, a table, three chairs and a bottle of wine as Rabbis.

“There are some reactionary elements in our movement who resisted the ordination of Rabbi Nut Clover,” Willow Tambourine said, her voice becoming heated at the injustice. “Was it because Rabbi Nut Clover is a female squirrel? Is it because she’s a transgender squirrel, or at least that’s her current gender identity after I had to castrate her when I found out she was male? Was it because of an Islamophobic reaction to the tiny Keffiyeh I knitted for her?”

“I don’t know,” Rabbi Willow Tambourine argues, her voice growing heated. “But I knew in my heart that this bigotry couldn’t be allowed to continue any longer.”

Rabbi Nut Squirrel is the first, but not the last animal Reconstructionist Rabbi. Reconstructionist congregants are clamoring to ordain their cats. And the graduating class of SHTUSS – The Reconstructionist Rabbinical College’s New Mexico division includes an alligator and three mice who were caught in cafeteria glue traps and then sentenced to a course of study.

“Reconstructionist Judaism is always moving forward,” Rabbi Wilcox Mushroom said. Rabbi Mushroom is a tour guide who has his own YouTube channel and conducts weekly Rosh Hashana services in a sacred Navajo tree.

“Reform Judaism keeps trying to catch up to our progress, but we’re always progressing beyond it. Because we’ve tapped into the power of the cosmos,” said Rabbi Mushroom, tapping his head. “After squirrels we’re going to ordain stars and then black holes. And then the entire Planet Earth.”

“Just think of it,” said Rabbi Tambourine, who blogs at Willow Rabbinics and works part time at an organic coffee chain. “The Earth Goddess herself will be our ultimate Rabbi. And she will be a beautiful transgender planet womyn whom we will all worship. Just like me.”

One challenge facing Reconstructionist Judaism’s future Rabbis is its shortage of congregations. While there are only thirteen Reconstructionist synagogues, four of them in Berkeley and one in Gaza, and only 386 identified Reconstructionist Jews living in the United States, there are 385 Reconstructionist Rabbis.”

But Rabbi Mushroom views that plurality of Rabbis, some of whom don’t even know they’ve been ordained, as an affirmation of the movement that he claims to lead, pending outcome of several lawsuits in Rhode Island State Court and the International Criminal Court.

“Other movements have too few Rabbis. We have too many Rabbis. Everyone can be a Reconstructionist Rabbi. Everyone can be a Reconstructionist Jew. Every day I walk down the street with my magic Navajo spirit stick pointing at people and ordaining them Reconstructionist Rabbis. On my last vacation, I ordained half of Mexico.”

Rabbi Nut Clover offered no comment when interviewed about her status as the future of Reconstructionist Judaism. Instead s/he bit Rabbi Willow Tambourine’s finger. Rabbi Tambourine angrily accused her of being a right-wing Zionist extremist.

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