Jesus Christ, Would Dennis Prager Shut the Hell Up About Christmas

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Dennis Prager likes to talk about two things

  1. Nothing
  2. Christmas

All year the Prager hibernates in his burrow scribbling nonsense no one reads. But at Christmas, he emerges, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, to spew forth his love for Christmas like a bum vomiting green and red Chinese food leftovers into a slumlord’s dumpster.

Every year there are articles.

Saying ‘Merry Christmas’ Is Very Important, Most Jews Wish You a Merry Christmas and A Yeshiva Boy and Christmas.

There’s even a radio show, “A Happy Jew at Christmas”.

Jesus Fucking Goldberg.

Dennis Prager has played Santa. “I volunteered to be Santa Claus for the Simi Valley Rotary Club, of which I was a member. So, during the same week that I led Sabbath services and study for about a thousand Jews, I also went to my Rotary Club meeting (what is more American than the Rotary Club?), and I was the Santa Claus for a local department store.”

He drags his family into his creepy Christmas fetish. “When my Jewish-day-school-attending children were young, I used to take them to see homes that had particularly beautiful Christmas lights.”

Jiminy Jumping Jesustein, Dennis Prager really loves his Christmas.

And this year, Dennis Prager is back for Christmas. He’s offended that waiters aren’t wishing him Merry Christmas.

“I have been wished “Happy Holidays” by every waiter and waitress in every restaurant I have dined; by every one of the young people who welcome me when I go to the gym; by every flight attendant and pilot on every one of my flights; and by every individual I’ve dealt with on the phone. When I respond “Thank you. Merry Christmas,” I sometimes sense that I have actually created some tension.”

It’s okay Dennis. They’re just wondering why the fat Jew who smells like candy canes and despair is taking the name of their lord in vain.

“I am a non-Christian. I am a Jew. Christmas is therefore no more a religious holy day for me than Ramadan. But I am an American, and Christmas is a national holiday of my country. It is therefore my holiday, though not my holy day, as much as it is for my fellow Americans who are Christian. By not wishing me a Merry Christmas, you are not being inclusive. You are deliberately excluding me from one of my nation’s national holidays.”

Stop excluding Dennis Prager from a holiday he doesn’t celebrate!!!

What is Christmas to Dennis Prager? It’s not the birth of Christ. It’s a department store Santa. It’s a radio jingle. It’s a bunch of lights.

That’s all it is.

When Dennis Prager isn’t complaining about the Anti-Christmas Conspiracy, he’s complaining about the Christians who want to celebrate, not secularize, their holiday.

Every year, as predictable as the arrival of the winter solstice is the arrival of criticism about the commercialization of Christmas. We are told by well meaning killjoys that Christ and all religious meaning have been taken out of Christmas because Americans spend too much money on Christmas gifts and because stores have rendered Christmas little more than a great time to sell product.

If there is a better example of people complaining about something that is overwhelmingly good and wholesome, I would like to know what it is.

To Christians, it’s Christmas that is good and wholesome, not lights, jingles or dressing up as the guy from a Coca Cola bottle.

Dennis Prager accuses Jews who aren’t into Christmas of being secularists because he’s too dumb to open a dictionary.

Jews who don’t celebrate Christmas aren’t secularists. Dennis Prager is a secularist for loving the commercial aspects of a religious holiday he doesn’t believe in.

When Dennis Prager distinguishes between “holiday” and “holy day”, he is being a damn no good secularist.

Christmas is not about presents. It’s not about Santa. It’s about Christ.

Religious Christians and Jews get it. Dennis Prager who is neither, doesn’t.

New Sefer, “Minchagei Ve’Halachot Cellphones” issued

Recently it has come to our attention that the ancient tradition of talking on a cellphone in shul which dates back to meyemei moshe is under attack by people seeking to undermine this heilige minchag. Cellphone talking has been banned in some modern shuls under the pretext of kavod hatzibur. It is however an Issur De’oraita to prevent anyone from talking on the cellphone, whether during or before davening, as it says Lo Tahsom Shor Bedisoi and the gematria of Shor is Shin Reish which is, give or take a few hundred, the frequency of a cell phone. And so we have written this sefer in exchange for a discount coupon at Jerusalem Pizza to publicize these key halachot and minchagim of cellphone use in shul.

Talking on the cellphone in shul during davening is widely known as a segulah for having many children who will grow up to beat you, steal your money and put you in an old age home.

When talking on a cellphone during davening, one should move about walking from one part of the shul to disturb as many people as possible. This will make the satan very happy and complacent and cause him to go on vacation before yom kippur to the Bahamas.

Instead of talking to someone else in shul, call them on their cell phone. Personalized ringtones will also provide background music that the chazan will be very gratefull for.

The volume at which you may talk into the cell phone increases depending on the value of your atarah, your yichus, your position in the community, the amount you contributed at the last appeal and how big a mechutzaf you are. An Adam Gadol may scream into his cell phone while an ordinary person should talk in a voice only loud enough to prevent anyone nearby from hearing the chazan.

There is a minchag in some communities to go into the Ezras Nashim to use the cellphone, even while women are there. However this is a violation of Tznius and the nashim must be expelled beforehand as they don’t have a chiyuv of talking on a cellphone in shul anyway. They may however be yoitzeh with your phone call if they call you during davening.

During Kaddish it is important to compete with the chazan by raising your voice even louder and preventing anyone from answering omein. By ruining not only your own davening but the davening of an entire tzibur, you can be zoche to be a tzaddik like yerovam and be a hote u’machate harabim and recieve their schar as well.

It’s brought down in kabbalah that every time you talk on a cellphone in shul two malachim bring down a cellphone as a keter to stick on your head and this is why those who are makdim to speak on cellphones in shul are also the first to lose their hair.

Talking about a real estate deal on a cellphone in shul is a segulah to have your building overrun with diseased cats and homeless vargants who will perform voodoo in there and then set it on fire for your very own ihr hanidachat.

If anyone interrupts your cellphone conversation with their davening, it is right and proper to glare angrily at them, stick your free hand in your ear and say, “Excuse me I’m talking to someone here.”

If you begin the cellphone conversation in the shul but then leave and continue it outside, you are not yoitzeh talking on a cellphone in shul unless you complete the hatimat shtus by returning to end your conversation in shul. If you leave to use the bathroom but return in time to be mebalbel the tzibbur answering yehei shmei rabbah, surely your reward will be great.

It is a midat chassidus when having finished your cellphone conversation to offer your cellphone to anyone who wants to make their own call so that you are mahati many others by giving them the chance to have the mitzvah of disrupting davening as well. Anyone who does this will surely be zocher to have severe nasal congestion be’olam hazeh and no nose at all in olah habah.

If we are carefull in this we will surely be too busy on our cellphones to hear Moshiach when he comes and we’ll never have to leave galut or our cell phone plans at all.