New Sefer, “Minchagei Ve’Halachot Cellphones” issued

Recently it has come to our attention that the ancient tradition of talking on a cellphone in shul which dates back to meyemei moshe is under attack by people seeking to undermine this heilige minchag. Cellphone talking has been banned in some modern shuls under the pretext of kavod hatzibur. It is however an Issur De’oraita to prevent anyone from talking on the cellphone, whether during or before davening, as it says Lo Tahsom Shor Bedisoi and the gematria of Shor is Shin Reish which is, give or take a few hundred, the frequency of a cell phone. And so we have written this sefer in exchange for a discount coupon at Jerusalem Pizza to publicize these key halachot and minchagim of cellphone use in shul.

Talking on the cellphone in shul during davening is widely known as a segulah for having many children who will grow up to beat you, steal your money and put you in an old age home.

When talking on a cellphone during davening, one should move about walking from one part of the shul to disturb as many people as possible. This will make the satan very happy and complacent and cause him to go on vacation before yom kippur to the Bahamas.

Instead of talking to someone else in shul, call them on their cell phone. Personalized ringtones will also provide background music that the chazan will be very gratefull for.

The volume at which you may talk into the cell phone increases depending on the value of your atarah, your yichus, your position in the community, the amount you contributed at the last appeal and how big a mechutzaf you are. An Adam Gadol may scream into his cell phone while an ordinary person should talk in a voice only loud enough to prevent anyone nearby from hearing the chazan.

There is a minchag in some communities to go into the Ezras Nashim to use the cellphone, even while women are there. However this is a violation of Tznius and the nashim must be expelled beforehand as they don’t have a chiyuv of talking on a cellphone in shul anyway. They may however be yoitzeh with your phone call if they call you during davening.

During Kaddish it is important to compete with the chazan by raising your voice even louder and preventing anyone from answering omein. By ruining not only your own davening but the davening of an entire tzibur, you can be zoche to be a tzaddik like yerovam and be a hote u’machate harabim and recieve their schar as well.

It’s brought down in kabbalah that every time you talk on a cellphone in shul two malachim bring down a cellphone as a keter to stick on your head and this is why those who are makdim to speak on cellphones in shul are also the first to lose their hair.

Talking about a real estate deal on a cellphone in shul is a segulah to have your building overrun with diseased cats and homeless vargants who will perform voodoo in there and then set it on fire for your very own ihr hanidachat.

If anyone interrupts your cellphone conversation with their davening, it is right and proper to glare angrily at them, stick your free hand in your ear and say, “Excuse me I’m talking to someone here.”

If you begin the cellphone conversation in the shul but then leave and continue it outside, you are not yoitzeh talking on a cellphone in shul unless you complete the hatimat shtus by returning to end your conversation in shul. If you leave to use the bathroom but return in time to be mebalbel the tzibbur answering yehei shmei rabbah, surely your reward will be great.

It is a midat chassidus when having finished your cellphone conversation to offer your cellphone to anyone who wants to make their own call so that you are mahati many others by giving them the chance to have the mitzvah of disrupting davening as well. Anyone who does this will surely be zocher to have severe nasal congestion be’olam hazeh and no nose at all in olah habah.

If we are carefull in this we will surely be too busy on our cellphones to hear Moshiach when he comes and we’ll never have to leave galut or our cell phone plans at all.

One thought on “New Sefer, “Minchagei Ve’Halachot Cellphones” issued

  1. David Sedley says:

    Brilliant. I would call you on my cellphone to congratulate you, but davenin has finished now so there is no extra sachar.

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