Why I Love Christmas by Rabbi Morton B. Smelder

Why I Love Christmas

by Rabbi Morton B. Smelder

A lot of Jewish liberals are whining about Christmas and I am here to say “I Love Christmas”. That’s right. I love it. And if you think that’s a strange thing for a Rabbi to say, you’re probably a godless liberal.

Sure you might have seen a dozen other Rabbis write columns on how much they love Christmas. But a lot of Rabbis may say they love Christmas and get book deals from Evangelical Christians; but do they really love Christmas?

I love Christmas so much that every Hanukkah I light a Menorah made out of candy canes. That’s right candy canes! Do those other Rabbis do that? Ha! I thought so.

Do they love Christmas so much they go Christmas caroling? Well I did and in March too! People hurled heavy objects at me from their windows which is a sign of how persecuted religious believers have become under the ACLU.

Do these Rabbis love Christmas so much that they come to Synagogue on Yom Kippur dressed as Santa Claus? No they don’t, but I did and it took three police officers to get me out while I tried to deliver my sermon on Tesuvah as epitomized by Charles Dickens’  A Christmas Carol. There is no clearer example of the War on Christmas.

None of those Rabbis can compete with me in my unholy love for Christmas. They write about Irving Berlin and watching Mass with their family and singing Christmas carols in their church choir, but they are taking the Christ out of Christmas.

Some Jews will put a Christmas tree in their home and call it a Hanukkah Bush. I proudly call my Christmas tree, a Christmas tree and I will not tolerate any politically correct suppression of Christmas in my home.

As an Orthodox Jew growing up in a devout Christmas home, my father taught me about the importance of Christmas by running into my room in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve and beating me over the head with an iron saucepan wrapped in gift wrap while screeching the words to White Christmas in a loud falsetto voice.

I never found out why he did this since he was institutionalized soon after and committed suicide by hanging himself with a noose made out of Christmas decorations in the asylum, but it made a big impression on me. It showed me how much my father was willing to sacrifice so that his Jewish sons could celebrate Christmas. And it left me with minor Christmas skull fractures so that my mind wanders and I sometimes just talk and talk without realizing what I’m…

Every Christmas eve, my Orthodox family sat down to watch the Mass live from the Vatican while fingering our rosaries without any conflict with our Orthodox Judaism. Our joy that our god was born in the form of a baby in Bethlehem did not detract from our Jewishness in any way.

Singing Christmas carols did not make Brett Z. Smelder, my half-brother, any less Jewish. And when he married a Shiksa in a cathedral that also did not make him any less Jewish. And today when he stands outside synagogues with a sign that says”Jesus WARNED US rabbis are TEMPEL OF THE devil” does not make him any less Jewish.

Watching the Mass did not make my sister, Sister Mary Therese of Our Sisters of Perpetual Bedlam, any less Jewish. And it didn’t make me, Rabbi Morton B. Smedler, a Julliard trained Rabbi, who spends all his time lecturing Christians on the wonder of Christmas, any less Jewish.

Today I continue our proud family tradition by teaching my children, Brent, Lolita and our adopted son Kwan, about the importance of Christmas together with my wife Charlene who brings her family’s wonderful Christmas traditions into our home.

And that’s why I’m here to say that I love Christmas. I love Christmas more than my wife, more than my children and almost as much as my lucrative book deals.

Christmas is the only thing in life that means anything to me anymore. And when I gift wrap a saucepan and start hitting my son over the head in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve, I know that somewhere up there my father is looking down on me and wishing he could hit me over the head too.

Rabbi Morton B. Smelder is probably a Rabbi. No one is sure. He says he is and that’s good enough for us. Rabbi Smelder is the author of 300 inspirational books including, “Greed is Godly: Capitalism is Divine”, “I Love Christmas”, “Down with Chanukah”, “Ham Soup for the Soul” and “Kosher Prostitution”.

If you want to read more of Rabbi Morton B. Smelder take a good look in the mirror because something is probably wrong with you.

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…Out Of My Warm Charred Hands

Millions of Americans have sex with light sockets every year. There’s a very simple reason for this. The light socket industry wants them to.

Hardly a day goes by when we don’t hear another tragic tale about a young man yanking down his pants and trying to copulate with a light socket. Some blame Hollywood for making light socket sex seem so attractive. Others are calling for a ban on light sockets.

“No one ever said that having a light socket was a civil right,” said Mandy Gorbachev, the founder of Moms Against Bullying LGBT Whales. “When the Constitution was made up, no one even had light sockets or even lights.”

“The Founders may not have had light sockets,” bellowed Barry Burnbiter, of Burn Down America, while brandishing an oil lamp, “but they had light making appatus which they clearly wanted us to use. Light sockets don’t have sex with people. People have sex with light sockets. It’s a choice.”

“A horrible terrible choice that sometimes ends in electrocution and death,” screamed Panse Miers, a disgraced British newspaper editor banished to America for publishing photoshopped photos of Prince Charles having sex with a lightbulb socket. “I can’t sexually abuse my children in a country where having sex with Prince Charles is legal.”

The debate is continuing with everyone screaming at the top of their lungs on every channel. Sometimes these debates are interrupted by reports that another teenager died having sex with a light socket. Experts insist that they have no idea where the teens get the idea that it’s cool to have sex with light sockets. People who aren’t allowed on the news however have suggested that it might be the news.

Alley Wannabase, star of hit film, “Sex With Light Sockets is Sexy Hot” has appeared in a video, “Demand a Ban”, demanding that light sockets be banned. When asked about the contradiction, Alley said that light socket sex in movies is just a fantasy and shouldn’t be confused with people having sex with light sockets in real life.

America’s Big Bulb, Bazooka Ogawa challenged the light bulb socket industry to agree to restrictions including locks on all light sockets and background checks of anyone buying a lamp complete with a ten day waiting period.

Second-in-Command, Bongo Stevenson said that anyone who needed to have sex with more than one light socket at a time wasn’t a real man.

The threat of a lamp ban sent customers into every Sears and Target in the country clearing lamps, lava lamps and even rodeo saddles off every discount store shelf in the country.

Unfortunately a Senate bill to ban anyone from owning more than one lamp has already died in committee.

An appalled Melinda Gorbachev, who has no children but has seen many pictures of them and one day plans to adopt one from China, condemned Congress for being in thrall to Big Lamps and has vowed to redouble her efforts to keep lamps out of the hands of people.

For Christmas, Dennis Prager is Going as the Dumbest Man Alive

It’s that time of year again. The time when stores play sexy gospel choir versions of Jingle Bells on a loop, tinsel is draped over cheap crap and the most repugnant Jews to be found outside of a porn convention write essays about how much they love Christmas.

I never know why people take Dennis Prager seriously. It has to be some kind of joke that Christians are playing on Jews by picking the dumbest Jew they could find and pretending that he’s a thinker.

Prager doesn’t think. He’s a well meaning but dimwitted man who says pleasant things that are as deep as a greeting card. Usually it’s inoffensive. Prager is a Jewish Bill Cosby, the sitcom version not the real life version. If your grandma would knit it on a sampler, Prager is capable of expressing it. If there’s a dumb idea most people carry around, Prager will barf it up. The trouble is that Prager’s brand is Jewishness and he’s as Jewish as a ham sandwich on rye.

Being an ass, Prager can’t help but join the herd and write an article about how much he loves Christmas. And being an ass who trades on his Jewish roots to Christians, the damn thing is titled, “Why this Yeshiva Boy loves Christmas.”

Young Prager was in Morocco when he realized that he missed Christmas. A smart man would put that down to a generalized homesickness for all things American. But Prager spent years “thinking” about this phenomenon and coming to “conclusions”.

Growing up in an Orthodox Jewish home and in yeshivas (Orthodox religious schools where half the day was devoted to religious, and half the day to secular, studies), I had, of course, never celebrated Christmas. How, then, could I miss something that I had never had? How could I, raised in an Orthodox Jewish world, miss the quintessential Christian holiday?

I subsequently spent a lot of time reflecting on why this yeshiva boy would miss the Christmas season.

Answer 1. You’re homesick

Answer 2. You’re a bad Jew

But Young Prager could have been excused on 2 for being young. Old Prager has no such excuse. He’s just a bad Jew.

I came to two life-changing realizations.

Dennis Prager uses “life-changing realizations” the way other people yawn. Every damn thing is a life-changing realization for him.

“Honey, we’re out of raspberry yogurt. And that’s a life-changing realization because why are we so driven to need yogurt. What is yogurt anyway? And where do we go when we die? Will there be yogurt there?”

First, though my yeshiva world did everything possible to ignore Christmas — we had school on Christmas Day, and we had a “midwinter vacation” at the end of January instead of a Christmas vacation — I really liked the Christmas season.

Being a bad Jew is a life-changing realization, but Prager is not aware that he’s a bad Jew. So there is no life-changing realization.

He’s the teenager who realizes he likes ham and wants to keep on eating it, but doesn’t understand the implications of that.

My world in New York had consisted of an Orthodox home, Orthodox synagogue, Orthodox yeshiva, and Orthodox friends. In that world, one’s American identity was never denigrated, but it was largely ignored. And Christianity was entirely ignored (though it was an annual ritual in my home to watch the midnight Mass from Rome).

Dude, if your home had an annual tradition of watching the mass from Rome you were not Orthodox.

And what the hell does watching the mass from Rome have to do with an American identity? Most protestants in 1923 would say you were less American for it.

Until I was in college, my contact with Christianity was almost nonexistent — except for Christmas decorations and Christmas music. Morocco made me realize that I missed something Christian and that I felt profoundly American.

And that’s the point where you should have just converted and gotten it over with.

Also Americans don’t talk about feeling profoundly American. Anyone who talks like that is an immigrant who thinks that he feels profoundly American every time he goes to watch the fireworks go off on the Fourth.

As the years passed, I came to treasure this season and to fall in love with America and its distinctive values (what I call the American Trinity: Liberty, In God We Trust, and E Pluribus Unum). While director of a Jewish institution from 1978 to 1983, I volunteered to be Santa Claus for the Simi Valley Rotary Club, of which I was a member. So, during the same week that I led Sabbath services and study for about a thousand Jews, I also went to my Rotary Club meeting (what is more American than the Rotary Club?), and I was the Santa Claus for a local department store.

I’m not sure but I think this is why we used to have stonings. But you can’t stone a man whose head is already an impenetrable rock.

It is that season now, and I never fail to get goose bumps when I hear Burl Ives sing “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas,” let alone when I attend a performance of Handel’s Messiah, surely the greatest religious music ever composed. I love hearing people wish each other “Merry Christmas.” When my Jewish-day-school-attending children were young, I used to take them to see homes that had particularly beautiful Christmas lights.

Confessions of a shallow man #123.

Prager thinks this is meaningful when it’s just embarrassing. There’s no larger message here except that Prager’s parents failed to pass down their religion to their son and their son is failing to pass it down to his children. It’s the quintessential failure of American Liberal Jews on display here.

And yes despite Dennis Prager getting a candy cane in his pants for Christmas, he’s still a Liberal Jew and a secularist who is too dumb to realize these “life changing realizations”.

Those who wish to remove Christmas trees from banks and colleges and other places where Americans gather are not only attempting to rob the 90 percent of Americans who celebrate Christmas of their holiday, they are robbing this Jew, too.

This Jew has already been robbed of his Jewishness. There’s nothing left to rob him of but his lame adoration of the secularized trappings of a Christian holiday.

And I first realized all this in a Muslim country.

And somewhere in Milwaukee, a Jew from Morocco realized that he really does miss the sound of the Muslim Call to Prayer.

TSA, Rape, Rape, Rape!

This is not a post about how crazy TSA agents are going on a crotch grabbing rampage. It’s about how quickly every blog turns into Antoine Dodson, screaming, “Y’all need to hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband cause the TSA is rapin’ everybody out here.”

A CBS poll showed that most people don’t actually have a problem with the scanners. But who are you going to believe, “people” or the Drudge Report?

The Drudge Report and every other blog out there are going nuts about a video showing a boy being strip searched. Except the video actually shows the father taking the boy’s shirt off. There’s no strip search. But who cares, when we can make jokes about strip searches and junk groping, and unleash all that outrage on a bunch of underpaid people doing their jobs, who are no more perverts or pedophiles, than the average teacher or priest or doctor.

Look I know flying sucks. Terrorism has made it suck more. There are plenty of awful stories about TSA searches of disabled people. But the TSA doesn’t exist because a bunch of Senators like making 12 year olds cry. They exist to try and prevent terrorists from smuggling explosives on board. This isn’t some hypothetical problem. We’ve had a bunch of these cases. And when the “Underwear Bomber” is an actual thing, then yes we have scanners that show you naked.

The only people who see you naked on that scanner can’t see who you are. Unlike your doctor or nurses. And what they see isn’t going to turn them on. They see thousands of scans. Reversed images that are about as sexual as an X-ray. They’re not masturbating to those scans. They’re looking for any problems.

Pat downs are same sex. Less than 5 percent of the population is gay. And most gay people are not joining the TSA. So the odds are that TSA agents enjoy patting down travelers, about as much as the travelers enjoy it. Most of them aren’t pedophiles either. Or enjoy making children cry. Some of them are morons. Some follow procedures without understanding what those procedures are for. Some get off on a sense of power.

But you get that same proportion among cops who can arrest you on a whim, drag you down to the police station and strip search you. The TSA’s powers are nothing compared to the powers of your own police force, who can burst into your home, drag you off and strip you naked. They can do it to you on the street. They can even film everything that they do to you. And your odds of holding them accountable for it are almost nil.

You want real outrage. Go to this link at your own risk.

That’s something to be outraged about. And it’s been going on for much longer than you think. With no excuses about terrorism or trying to save hundreds of people from being blown to hell.

But there’s no outrage over stuff like this. The police are “heroes” who are keeping us safe. But TSA agents are monster molesters. It’s hypocrisy. The difference between the cops who did this to Hope Steffey and other women in Stark Country and TSA agents is that most of us think we’ll never be Hope Steffey. Because we’re not “bad people”. But a lot of us are worried that TSA agents will humiliate us, even though we did nothing wrong.

All the yelling about the TSA is just so much bullshit that proves the Drudge Report can still feed a media panic, even if Matt Drudge has to draw on material from Alex Jones, Prison Planet and Raw Story (those are the sites he was linking to when he kicked off the frenzy).

You want to be outraged about your rights? You have no rights. When the government can seize your home and hand it over to turn into a parking lot for Wal-Mart, when police officers can beat and strip you with no justification and you can be arrested if you’re not carrying identification with you, THEN YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS. Making a fuss over some naked scanners and pat downs is pathetic.

Your daughters are being strip searched? Please, your daughters have been strip searched for over 50 years. You didn’t complain about it because the odds were good that it wouldn’t actually be your daughter. Just someone else’s daughter. Someone else’s daughter who took a wrong turn or racked up an extra ticket and was taken to the police station and strip searched.

You didn’t have a problem with giving up your rights as long as you thought that it wouldn’t really affect you. Now that you know it does, you’re upset. But it’s not the TSA’s fault. It’s your fault.

Worst Fiddler on the Roof Production Ever Averted

You can’t keep a good FAG down (see video). 140 people nobody ever heard of, plus Ed Asner, Theodore Bikel the 86 year old megastar who goes around obscure parts of the world hoping someone will let him play Tevye again (now coming to Calgary!), Vanessa Redgrave (No, she’s not dead. Yes she still hates Jews.) and completely off the wall choices like Jennifer Tilly (being fat, drunk and crazy wasn’t enough for her), Cynthia Nixon (the ugly one from Sex and the City. I mean the REALLY ugly one) and Julianne Moore (did a Jew run over her cat or something) signed a petition saying they’re “overjoyed and grateful” that a bunch of snotty Israeli actors won’t perform because they don’t want to travel more than 10 kilometers out of Tel Aviv.

I don’t know what this actually means. Probably that the good people of Ariel won’t get to see Jennifer Tilly, Cynthia Nixon and Julianne Moore play Tevye’s three daughters in the worst production of Fiddler on the Roof ever. But that probably wasn’t going to happen anyway.

Good news. There will now be peace in the Middle East because FAG took a standing for boycotting people. And signed on to stuff they read about in the newspapers. But some advice to Wallace Shawn, never get involved in a land war in the Middle East. You’re short enough as it is.

Who knows why half the cast of The Princess Bride decided to boycott the Jews, but so far Cary Elwes, Fred Savage and Billy Crystal haven’t taken a stand. And Andre the Giant has sent a message by Ouija board that he supports us.

“As actors it’s our responsibility to read the newspaper, and then say what we read on television like it’s our own opinion”

“Matt Damon!”

We Talk About Achdus Non-Stop, But We Can’t Get Along with Each Other

“We will enter prison happily, since by doing so we will be sanctifying the name of God publicly,” Rabbi Avraham Luria, a Slonim hassid facing prison time, told The Jerusalem Post in a hoarse whisper Wednesday night. “These are historic moments that will be studied by future generations.”

Oh they will be. Just not the way he thinks. More like the way we study the historic moment of Kamtza vs Bar Kamtza, a metaphor for Israel being destroyed last time around because no one could get along with anyone else for 5 minutes at a time.

This great HISTORIC MOMENT is brought to you by the Emmanuel case, one of those cases where everyone manages to be wrong and horrible at the same time. Behind the cries of WACISM (Sefardim aren’t another race) and GOYISCHE COURTS (Israeli courts aren’t Goyish) and all the rest of the crap, are activists from different communities fighting over education money and policy. And pushing the fight into the Israeli court system which is only too happy to exercise its authority. And by exercise its authority, I mean overstep its authority and then scream bloody murder when they’re defied.

What is the Emmanuel case really about? It’s about 2000 years after the Beit Hamikdash was destroyed because we trusted Romans more than we trusted other Jews, we’re still fighting. We’re fighting to different customs and traditions. We’re fighting because not only can’t a secular and religious legal system co-exist, but even different religious traditions can’t co-exist together. And because it all comes down to money. Shekels. Gelt. They fund communities. And communities survived by controlling the education of their children. And they survive by being different. Which means finding differences, expanding them and sticking to them, INSIDE THE SAME DAMN ONE NATION.

No it’s not racism. That’s because we all have nasty names for each other. Because not only can’t Ashkenazim and Sefardim get along, but Chassidim can’t get along with each other. Sefardim can’t get along with each other either. There’s a thousand different groups fighting with each other non-stop. We talk about Achdus non-stop, but none of us can get along with each other.

And now while our killers are bearing down on us, we’re busy punching each other in the face and sending each other to prison over a girls school. Sure makes Kamza and Bar Kamtza look good, don’t it?

…And you think our Gedolim our bad

You can hardly hit up the Jblogsphere without running into 10,000 complaints about the “Gedolim”. The Gedolim, for anyone not in the know, are Rabbis who are considered very great and authoritative by some people, but not by others, whose level of authority changes depending on who you talk to.

But for a reality check, feast your eyes on Iran, where the Shiite Gedolim are in a civil war, killing and raping each other’s followers, over control of Iran’s oil. The Catholic Church’s Gadol Pope is an ex-Nazi who on retirement would have a solid contract from Hollywood to play every villain in every movie ever.

And then we can take a step back further, to the conflict of two great Christian Gedolim, Sir Thomas More and Martin Luther.

Martin Luther is the founding father of Protestantism and Nazism. Sir Thomas More was canonized by the Pope as the Patron Saint of Politicians and Statesmen. Which seems about right, since Thomas More was a vicious homicidal sociopath who wanted to kill everyone who disagreed with him.

Martin Luther was a crazy German monk who was a German nationalist and against the tyranny of the Church, because he wanted more local German tyranny. Also he really hated the Jews, I mean really really hated the Jews.

Here’s a sample

They rulers must act like a good physician who, when gangrene has set in proceeds without mercy to cut, saw, and burn flesh, veins, bone, and marrow. Such a procedure must also be followed in this instance. Burn down their synagogues, forbid all that I enumerated earlier, force them to work, and deal harshly with them… If this does not help we must drive them out like mad dogs.

In other words Martin Luther had a lot in common with Shmarya Rosenberg of Failed Messiah.

But that wasn’t enough for Marty, who was sure that even if you burned down all the synagogues and banned Judaism, Jews would still be praying… in his own imagination!

But what will happen even if we do burn down the Jews’ synagogues and forbid them publicly to praise God, to pray, to teach, to utter God’s name? They will still keep doing it in secret. If we know that they are doing this in secret, it is the same as if they were doing it publicly. For our knowledge of their secret doings and our toleration of them implies that they are not secret after all and thus our conscience is encumbered with it before God.

But if Martin Luther was nothing else, he was a magnificent wordsmith

Did I not tell you earlier that a Jew is such a noble, precious jewel that God and all the angels dance when he farts?

This is why Germans don’t have any concept of comedy that doesn’t involve killing people.

But on the other hand there was Sir Thomas More, who coined the term Utopia and is treated as a Catholic hero and martyr, because after killing a whole bunch of people… eventually King Henry VIII killed him.

You might know Sir Thomas More from his fictional incarnations, particularly as the great and ethical humanist of A Man for All Seasons. And this image has about as much relation to reality as Christopher Walken trying to play Princess Diane in a broadway musical.

There are a ton of Catholic schools named after Sir Thomas More, and he’s considered a brilliant orator and man of letters. So here is a sample of Sir Thomas More replying to Martin Luther

Come, do not rage so violently, good father; but if you have raved wildly enough, listen now, you pimp. You recall that you falsely complained above that the king has shown no passage in your whole book, even as an example, in which he said that you contradict yourself. You told this lie shortly before, although the king has demonstrated to you many examples of your inconsistency ….

But meanwhile, for as long as your reverend paternity will be determined to tell these shameless lies, others will be permitted, on behalf of his English majesty, to throw back into your paternity’s shitty mouth, truly the shit-pool of all shit, all the muck and shit which your damnable rottenness has vomited up, and to empty out all the sewers and privies onto your crown divested of the dignity of the priestly crown, against which no less than against the kingly crown you have determined to play the buffoon.

Something tells me that Sir Thomas More would have had an easy transition to blogging or the Huffington Post. Because it’s pretty obvious that the Patron Saint of all Politicians and Statesmen liked to spend a lot of time playing with his own shit.

Of course calling Martin Luther a pimp, which based on his outfits he probably wasn’t, and claiming that his mouth was a giant toilet and he was a raving madman, which were two problems that More himself seemed to suffer from, wasn’t the ultimate. Because Sir Thomas More had his own dungeon for torturing heretics.

Sir Thomas More had already brought back the burning of heretics after becoming Bishop of London. Being a heretic often involved selling bibles translated into English, which was considered a major crime by the Catholic Church. One of the bible sellers that Sir Thomas More caught was taken to his house, “pinioned `hand, foot, and head in the stocks’, for six days without release… whipped and also twisted his brows with small ropes, so that the blood started out of his eyes.”

In More’s defense, this was actually mild by the torture standards of the day. The Spanish would have considered More a liberal for not breaking him on the wheel.

Eventually More, like pretty much every power mad cleric, in England, ran afoul of Henry the Eight, who had his head chopped off. This was a kindlier means of execution than burning at the stake, which Sir Thomas More had dispensed to Tyndale, the first translator of the bible. Since then More has been canonized by two churches and in fiction too. The British biographer Jasper Ridley though described Sir Thomas More as “a particularly nasty sadomasochistic pervert”… which you know is not exactly shocking when you consider the guy had people tortured in his own house.

More’s refusal to sign the Act of Supremacy made him into a Catholic hero, never mind all the butchery and psychotic behavior. Just as Martin Luther is a Protestant hero, despite being a psychotic madman who wanted to kill pretty much everyone.

Just as Robert Novak is a big ass conservative hero, even though he supported Hamas. And Ann Coulter is a big ass conservative hero, even though she hates Jews. And Bill Moyer is a liberal hero, even though he claimed Jews are genetically coded for violence. And Jimmy Carter is a liberal hero… even though… you get the drift. Can’t question the “greats”. It’s the same everywhere.

Peace. Out.