Samurai Mohel: I feel incredibly lucky and honored to be able to do this interview with you. You have always been a hero of mine and your work lately has been nothing short of incredible. Could you tell my readers a few things about yourself?
Jeffrey Goldberg: Okay, my name is Jeffrey Goldberg. I’m a lot like Thomas Friedman but without the mustache. I get paid a lot of money to go to cocktail parties and repeat back the things people say at them in my columns.
Samurai Mohel: That’s just amazing. It’s fantastic. Can I ask you a question?
Jeffrey Goldberg: May I.
Samurai Mohel: You’re absolutely right. May I ask you a question?
Jeffrey Goldberg: You can
Samurai Mohel: What does Obama’s cock taste like?
Jeffrey Goldberg: Very Jewish.
Samurai Mohel: Really?
Jeffrey Goldberg: I have never felt more Jewish than when I am going down on Barack Obama.
Samurai Mohel: Are you sure? Even at your Bar Mitzvah?
Jeffrey Goldberg: When I go down on Obama, I feel like I’m also going down on all his Jewish mentors who have influenced him and the Jews around him. So many Jews have sucked his cock over time that it’s practically Jewish.
Samurai Mohel: But aren’t you limiting the universalism of Obama’s cock when you put it like that?
Jeffrey Goldberg: No, because to me the taste of Jewish cock is the most universal taste possible. When I taste Obama’s cock, I’m also tasting my idea of a pantheistic Judaism that is not hedged in by limitations. Obama’s cock is the fight against segregation, it’s the end of apartheid and gay marriage. Everything Jewish to me is inside Obama’s cock.
Samurai Mohel: Still aren’t you being a bit tribal?
Jeffrey Goldberg: Tribal Jews are like Sheldon Adelson. They reject the universalism of Obama’s cock because they fear its otherness and the otherness of Hamas. Obama’s cock helps me break through barriers. And breaking through barriers is the essence of real Judaism.
Samurai Mohel: There are critics in the Jewish community who feel that you shouldn’t be sucking Obama’s cock.
Jeffrey Goldberg: Mhhm
Samurai Mohel: What do you say to them?
Jeffrey Goldberg: We live in a modern society. This is not some ghetto shtetl. They have to adapt to the modern world.
Samurai Mohel: They have to suck Obama’s cock?
Jeffrey Goldberg: I’m not going to tell them what to do. But they have to look at their kids. Their kids want it. Do they want to relate to their kids or not? There’s a new generation of Jews that aren’t interested in synagogues, but in Obama’s cock. How are you going to get them inside a synagogue except through Obama’s cock?
Samurai Mohel: Aren’t you ever worried about catching a disease? I don’t want to seem prejudiced or anything, but Obama really gets around. There are people sucking his cock from New York City to San Francisco to Tehran to Gaza.
Jeffrey Goldberg: We don’t live in a “safe” world. We take risks every day.
Samurai Mohel: And you feel that Israel should take a risk for peace by going down on Obama?
Jeffrey Goldberg: Unfortunately this Israel government has been stubborn about it.
Samurai Mohel: Netanyahu won’t do it?
Jeffrey Goldberg: He refuses and his refusal is alienating Israel from American Jews. How do I explain to my teenager why the Prime Minister of Israel refuses to suck Obama’s cock?
Samurai Mohel: Do you think Herzog would have been willing?
Jeffrey Goldberg: He told me personally how eager he was.
Samurai Mohel: Livni?
Jeffrey Goldberg: In a second.
Samurai Mohel: Yair Lapid?
Jeffrey Goldberg: Nothing new for him.
Samurai Mohel: Do you anticipate Israel finally getting a Prime Minister who will suck Obama’s cock?
Jeffrey Goldberg: I hope not. If that happens, Obama won’t need me anymore.