Exclusive Interview With Jeffrey Goldberg About the Taste of Obama’s Cock

Samurai Mohel: I feel incredibly lucky and honored to be able to do this interview with you. You have always been a hero of mine and your work lately has been nothing short of incredible. Could you tell my readers a few things about yourself?

Jeffrey Goldberg: Okay, my name is Jeffrey Goldberg. I’m a lot like Thomas Friedman but without the mustache. I get paid a lot of money to go to cocktail parties and repeat back the things people say at them in my columns.

Samurai Mohel: That’s just amazing. It’s fantastic. Can I ask you a question?

Jeffrey Goldberg: May I.

Samurai Mohel: You’re absolutely right. May I ask you a question?

Jeffrey Goldberg: You can

Samurai Mohel: What does Obama’s cock taste like?

Jeffrey Goldberg: Very Jewish.

Samurai Mohel: Really?

Jeffrey Goldberg: I have never felt more Jewish than when I am going down on Barack Obama.

Samurai Mohel: Are you sure? Even at your Bar Mitzvah?

Jeffrey Goldberg: When I go down on Obama, I feel like I’m also going down on all his Jewish mentors who have influenced him and the Jews around him. So many Jews have sucked his cock over time that it’s practically Jewish.

Samurai Mohel: But aren’t you limiting the universalism of Obama’s cock when you put it like that?

Jeffrey Goldberg: No, because to me the taste of Jewish cock is the most universal taste possible. When I taste Obama’s cock, I’m also tasting my idea of a pantheistic Judaism that is not hedged in by limitations. Obama’s cock is the fight against segregation, it’s the end of apartheid and gay marriage. Everything Jewish to me is inside Obama’s cock.

Samurai Mohel: Still aren’t you being a bit tribal?

Jeffrey Goldberg: Tribal Jews are like Sheldon Adelson. They reject the universalism of Obama’s cock because they fear its otherness and the otherness of Hamas. Obama’s cock helps me break through barriers. And breaking through barriers is the essence of real Judaism.

Samurai Mohel: There are critics in the Jewish community who feel that you shouldn’t be sucking Obama’s cock.

Jeffrey Goldberg: Mhhm

Samurai Mohel: What do you say to them?

Jeffrey Goldberg: We live in a modern society. This is not some ghetto shtetl. They have to adapt to the modern world.

Samurai Mohel: They have to suck Obama’s cock?

Jeffrey Goldberg: I’m not going to tell them what to do. But they have to look at their kids. Their kids want it. Do they want to relate to their kids or not? There’s a new generation of Jews that aren’t interested in synagogues, but in Obama’s cock. How are you going to get them inside a synagogue except through Obama’s cock?

Samurai Mohel: Aren’t you ever worried about catching a disease? I don’t want to seem prejudiced or anything, but Obama really gets around. There are people sucking his cock from New York City to San Francisco to Tehran to Gaza.

Jeffrey Goldberg: We don’t live in a “safe” world. We take risks every day.

Samurai Mohel: And you feel that Israel should take a risk for peace by going down on Obama?

Jeffrey Goldberg: Unfortunately this Israel government has been stubborn about it.

Samurai Mohel: Netanyahu won’t do it?

Jeffrey Goldberg: He refuses and his refusal is alienating Israel from American Jews. How do I explain to my teenager why the Prime Minister of Israel refuses to suck Obama’s cock?

Samurai Mohel: Do you think Herzog would have been willing?

Jeffrey Goldberg: He told me personally how eager he was.

Samurai Mohel: Livni?

Jeffrey Goldberg: In a second.

Samurai Mohel: Yair Lapid?

Jeffrey Goldberg: Nothing new for him.

Samurai Mohel: Do you anticipate Israel finally getting a Prime Minister who will suck Obama’s cock?

Jeffrey Goldberg: I hope not. If that happens, Obama won’t need me anymore.

Blimey Cor, Reform Rabbi Jonathan Romain Declares War on Jewish Education

Rosh Hashana is usually the time when Jews gather to repent and to plan for ways to do good next year. But the way Satanist Churches have upside down crosses and black masses that are said backward, Reform take everything Judaism does and run it through backward. While Rabbis at Jewish synagogues were probably thinking of how to get more children involved in Jewish education, Rabbi Jonathan Romain of the Maidenhead Synagogue did his own Black Mass and came on a Rosh Hashana (or is that Ahanhsah Hsor) commitment to waging a relentless war on Jewish education.

On Monday the Jewish New Year begins. Unlike the secular new year — largely a boisterous time characterised by revelry and champagne — Rosh Hashannah is a very serious and sober occasion. Jews spend the day in synagogue, even the lapsed ones who do not normally attend services. We reflect on our conduct during the past 12 months and make resolutions to repeat the good things we did, remedy the hurts we caused and set goals for the coming year. Here lies my problem. My resolution this year may make sense to some, but will be seen as heresy to others, especially fellow rabbis (and many vicars and imams). I resolve to speak out against faith schools,

Isn’t that wonderful. It’s about time a Rabbi had the courage to condemn Jewish education and call for tearing down the Yeshivas. Johnny Romain (Lettuce?) may go down as the greatest Jewish thinker since that guy who sacrificed a pig on the altar in the temple 2000 years ago or so.

The problem with faith schools is not their purpose but their consequences. They may be designed to inculcate religious values, but they result in religious ghettos, which can destabilise the social health of the country at large. Even those faith schools that genuinely try to reach out to the wider community and teach good citizenship still segregate Jewish, Muslim or Catholic children from each other and bring them up in what amounts to an educational apartheid system.

Rabbit Jonathan Romain has got a point. No denying that. But his “modest proposal” doesn’t go nearly far enough.

Why draw the line at faith school apartheid, when house of worship apartheid goes on. Why should we segregate Jews, Muslims and Catholics in Synagogue Apartheid. We all know having different religions is socially destabilizing, it creates ghettos, perpetuates divisions and makes Jeebus cry. I know, he told me so personally while I was studying a picture of his mother hugging Michael Jackson on a tree stump!

Eliminating Faith Schools doesn’t go nearly far enough. We have to work harder to eliminate religious differences than simply denying our children a Jewish education. No, we have to tear down Synagogue Apartheid too. Down with the Yeshiva, Down with the Synagogue, Down with Judaism. Let’s all be one religion. Skin color will still be a problem, but we can all dye our faces purple.

Also no more single sex bathrooms. Bathroom Apartheid must end. Because there’s no such thing as legitimate separations, are there. Anything separate is apartheid. Down with Apartheid!

Of course we’re going to have to get rid of Rabbis too. We’ll need a new title that encompasses a universal religious leader, with Rabbi Jonathan Romain as our model. How about Spiritual Wanker of No Faith?

I want my children to sit next to a Sikh in class, play football in the break with a Methodist, do homework with a Hindu and walk to the bus stop with a Muslim before returning to their Jewish home.

I’ve kept my mouth shut before, but now Rabbi Jonathan Romain is just shamelessly plagiarizing Dr. Doolittle

If I could talk to the Methodist, and maybe a Sikh or two
and curse at him in fluent Hindu
Share a dirty joke with a Buddhist, Kick a football at a Muslim
Before returning to our intermarried, atheist, completely secular, don’t ask us about our religion… Jewish home!

Hey kids, for 50 points, can anyone tell me why Reform Judaism is dying out? Can’t be the lack of a Jewish education. Oh wait.

I’m not sure if watching the Reform post-Judaism movement commit suicide in such a public way is sad or funny. Sadly it’s probably a little of both. For a while now the movement has talked about embracing Jewish education. Oops apparently that’s Apartheid.

However good some faith schools are individually, collectively they are a recipe for social disaster. Leaders of all faiths should put aside religious self-interest and make national cohesion a higher priority. At the same time, MPs who can see political advantage in supporting local sectarian demands should have the courage to ignore calls for religious preferences and work towards the greater good of communal integration.

Assimilation today! Assimilation tomorrow! Assimilation forever! I recommend that Johnny Lettuce begin his “Tear down the Schools” crusade with the Muslims. Then after they fish all 14 pieces of him out of the river, we can bury him in 14 different religious cemeteries to accommodate his commitment to ecumenism uber alles.

And in case you’re wondering, Rabbi Jonathan Romain’s Saturnalia resolution next year will to speak out against Faith Synagogues.

Update: Rabbi Romain is a member of ACCORD, a group created by a member of the Anti-Religious British Humanist Association (atheist), which campaigns against religious schools.

The goal is to destroy religious education.

ACCORD calls for schools with mandatory infterfaith student bodies and staff and to…

“Follow an objective, fair and balanced syllabus for education about religious and non-religious beliefs – whether determined by their local authority or by any future national syllabus or curriculum for RE”

So Rabbi Lettucehead’s fun version of Judaism would be taught by whatever the British government decides is a “fair and balanced” approach to balancing Judaism and every other religion, and atheism too.

And of course nothing as dirty and ugly as prayers

“Provide their pupils with inclusive, inspiring and stimulating assemblies in place of compulsory acts of worship.”

So yes this is exactly about destroying religious education backed by the rhyme scheme of Dr. Doolitle.

It’s possible for children to learn to coexist with others, without backing a heavy handed government scheme to enforce its version of education, while banning all others.

And now let’s look at the membership of ACCORD

There’s the The British Humanist Association, The Campaign for State Education, The Lesbian and Gay Christian Movement and The Socialist Education Association.

They seem to have left out Joseph Stalin, but that’s about it.

JewsOnFirst Wants Jews Dead First

According to JewsOnFirst, the Republican Jewish Coalition committed a horrible crime, they sent out a copy of a book called Stand With Israel and a DVD of Obsession, a movie about Radical Islamic terrorism. You can’t see why a normal person would have a problem with this, but it’s obvious why JewsOnFirst would have a problem with this. Because JewsOnFirst wants Jews dead, first.

JewsOnFirst keeps squealing that Obsession is an Anti-Muslim film without actually providing any proof of it. But after all any movie that actually talks about Muslim terrorism has to be hateful to JewsOnFirst, Obama’s biggest squealing lapdogs.

To the JewsOnFirst type of Anti-Jew, it’s Israel and Jewish identity that’s the real threat, not Islam. Any Jew who goes so far as to care enough about Israel and other Jews to stand up to Muslim terrorism makes them look bad in front of their Unitarian son in law.

It’s ironic that JewsOnFirst claims to be for the first amendment and they’re the ones cynically attacking free speech when it interferes with Obama’s candidacy or the ability of their Muslim buddies to kill Jews. The two are redundant I know.