This is my 2nd Annual Report on Sexual Preditors in our Communities. My first report was last week and since it is January or February now, this is my 2nd report for the year. There might be more, it depends on if I can make more appointments at the library without anyone seeing me.

Sexual Preditors in our Communities is a very important topic. As you know there are millions of sexual preditors in our communities. Every few days you hear of someone getting sexual predated on for no reason at all, and no one wants to do anything about it except me. I say we should all be speaking out about this very serious problem but obviously you all disagree because you are not paying attention to me and my AdSense is not making me any money. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Issues to Report

1.  This is not a joke – Some people have mailed me to ask me if this is a joke. This is not a joke. Sexual preditoring is a very serious matter and should not be taken over by lightheaded people.

Some have abused my REPORT A SEXUAL PREDITOR feature to send messages saying that I am the Sexual Preditor. This is completely false and also it is Lashon Hara.

I am not a Sexual Preditor. I think I would know if I was a Sexual Preditor. For example I drive a van, and I sometimes look after little boys and I hang around the Mikvah late at night when the women are leaving… so with all those oppurtunities if I was a Sexual Preditor, I would be Sexually Preditoring a lot believe me. But I’m not.

2. I need a Column – Sexual Preditoring is a very serious issue so I have proposed that Jewish newpspaers should make a SEXUAL PREDITORIAL run by me to denounce that sort of thing that would be called THE SEXUAL PREDITORIAL WITH MOSHE HEIMLICH. Also they would pay me for it. Several newspapers turned me down saying they already have plenty of Sexual Preditors on staff that they don’t need to pay.

3. Sexual Preditorizing in Nature – I just discovered that a lot of Sexual Preditorizing goes on in nature and people should do something about it. I am not sure what. Like this one time I was in Shiur and I saw one dog sexually preditorizing another, and the Menahel came over and smacked me on the head, and told me if I kept on this way I would become a homosexual. I have not done that since and I am pretty sure I am not a homosexual.

4. That Strange Guy down the Block – There is a strange guy down the block who keeps staring at me every time I go into his store. He is Korean or something Chinese or maybe he has bad eyes or something. Anyway he stares at me a lot, especially when I am stealing from him. I think he might be a Sexual Preditor.

5. Driving a Van is Really Boring – Driving a Van is really very boring. A lot of people don’t know that. I began this blog about Sexual Preditors hoping to make money so I don’t have to drive a van to make extra money, but so far I am not making anything from AdSense. I wonder if there is more money in being a Sexual Preditor than in denouncing them? If there are any Sexual Preditors reading this blog, please drop me a message to let me know how much you make an hour.

6. Sexual Preditorizing All Over the Internet – I did some searches not long ago on the internet about Sexually Preditorizing and discovered that there are hundreds of websites full of pictures and video of Sexual Preditorization. So I spent many hours browsing them, and downloading some as evidence for my report. The people at the library gave me strange looks, but I told them I was only doing it to fight terrible crimes.

Also I am almost certain my Menahel was wrong.

7. I have to Go Drive the Van Now – I have to go drive the van now because my pager is going off like crazy. Most people don’t have pagers anymore but I am behind the times on technology. Also with a pager the government can’t track what you’re doing from space, like they do to everyone else.

If you have any more ideas how I can stop Sexual Preditors so I don’t have to spend a lot of time driving a van, drop me a message,


Moshe Heimlich


Sexual Preditor Report Issue 1

Many bloggers today in the Jewish community is talking about the VERY SERIOUS problem of Sexual Preditors. Once before no one knew about Sexual Preditors and they were able to Sexually Predate at free will. Jewish newspapers in the “Frum” world still refuse to print information about Sexual Preditors, such as that they have beards and things inside their pants they do to you with.

I have learned about this Sexual Preditor problem only very recently and am working my behind off to bring you public information about the SEXUAL PREDITOR problem that mainstream Jewish newspapers will not bring you, because they are full of advertisements instead.

Here are some important facts about SEXUAL PREDITORS everyone needs to know, whether they want to or not

1. Sexual Preditors can look like anyone

While Sexual Preditors are often Rebbes or Mikvah ladies, the truth is that Sexual Preditors can be anyone. They can be your neighbor, your proctologist or even your friendly old grandmother. Yes she looks nice, but what if she is really a Sexual Preditor disguised as your friendly old grandma?

Look in the mirror in the bathroom when you are showering. If you see two people there, the one who is not you, may be a sexual preditor. Unless you shower with other people, though this is wrong. Or you are hallucinating.

2. Avoid Sexual Preditors

This is hard because Sexual Preditors can be anywhere. Sexual Preditors can hide behind the door when you come in, and then they jump out and yell, “Boo, I am a Sexual Preditor!” and then you cannot do anything, because they have already yelled at you and made you feel bad and dirty.

Yeshivas have many Sexual Preditors so you should not go to any. I go to a Yeshiva, but every time I walk in I yell, “I See You Sexual Preditors, Go Away!” which is why I never get sexually predated much, and they usually just let me steal food from the refrigitator without saying anything.

3. Report Sexual Preditors

If you see someone sexually predating, report them right away to me. Send me an email to and whenever I see them I will yell at them that they are a Sexual Preditor, also I will post it at my blog. This will immediately get me more traffic.

4. Famous Sexual Preditors

Famous people are more likely to be sexual preditors as being famous gives them all kinds of sexual urges. So be very careful around famous people, and do not ask them for their autograph as they may take it the wrong way.

Here are some famous people who were also sexual preditors

A. All Rebbes

B. Slomo Carlibach

C. All Rabbis

D. Mordekai Ben David

E. Yeedle

F. That guy who sings that song, I forget the words, something about Kol VeNoam?

G. Everyone in Frum Music

H. That guy who hangs around the pizza store looking strange at me.

I. Maybe you? Who says you’re not? Prove it! I demand that you prove it right now!

5. Sexual Preditors is a Very Important Issue

At first I did not know what to make my blog about. At first I thought I would make it about AdSense tips, but I have no tips because I make no moneys with AdSense because I have no traffic. Then I thoguht what about driving vans. But my friend told me no one wants to read a blog about driving vans because that is stupid. So I will write about sexual preditors now and alert people to the problem and then I can get some AdSense and give people SEO tips, which I think is something sexual preditors do to you… I am still figuring this internet thing out.

Anyway if you are in Boro Park and see a Sexual Preditor, tell me about it. Also I will soon try to have a guest blog from an actual Sexual Preditor (my grandmother) to try and make them see what they tick and why?

For the Sexual Preditor Report, this is your host and protector

Moishe Heimlich

Why are the Anti-Frummie Critics Such Frakking Lunatics

It looked good on paper. The Frum world had no ability to monitor or reality check itself. The papers were beholden to the advertisers. So bloggers from the frum world would come forward, expose miscreants, blow the whistle and enforce some honesty for once.

Unfortunately the ones who came forward were Frakking lunatics. Which probably should have been expected.

The bloggers, call them the Anti-Frummies like UOJ or Shmarya are just as stupid, ignorant, bigoted and illiterate as any of the commenters at YeshivaWorld. The only difference between a UOJ and Shmarya and Ba’Habos from Flatbush at YeshivaWorld is that the former hate the latter.

The Anti-Frummie bloggers represent the worst traits of the frum world, the narrow-mindedness, the knee jerk response, the stupidity and rampant xenophobia, except directed at the frum world. Yet unfortunately thanks to some combination of social networking and media attention, they’re what passes for blogger criticism of the frum world. Which means the frum world doesn’t have a damn thing to worry about.

Let’s take the “nice” lady who ran the Awareness Center and embarrassed everyone associated with it and everyone who genuinely cared about righting some wrongs in the frum world. The nice lady, who as it turns out had gone on Oprah and told Barack’s “aunt” that Jews worshiped Satan and drank blood. Her methodology mainly involved archiving newspaper articles about abuse cases, possible abuses cases or anything, with no filter over whether it actually happened or didn’t.

Let’s take UOJ who types like a Ritalin addicted monkey with a cattle prod up his ass. Or to say it the way he does, “UOJ WHO Types (they’re frum fakkers not gonna stop me) LIKE A CATTLE proud up the ass of compacency!!!!”. UOJ is every idiot YeshivaWorld commenter given his own blog and devoid of a single English course. It’s like reading vomit in Times New Roman font.

Top that off with a hefty dose of grandiosity as UOJ is obsessed with his own greatness and his ability to change the world and you have a monkey who needs less ritalin and more anger management.

Then there’s Shmarya of Failed Messiah who manages to camouflage the rage well enough to maintain a credible looking blog, until you realize that he’s the equivalent of that kook who writes letters to the paper who really hates the Russians. It doesn’t matter what the story is, the Russians are to blame. For Shmarya the Russians are Orthodox Jews, or most of them anyway and Failed Messiah is a one note fixation on the object of his bigotry that only differs from a Neo-Nazi blog in that Shmarya is possibly Jewish.

So that’s what we get. The Jblogger reality check consists of people you wouldn’t let scrub your floors without a night watchman. The Frum world needs its critics, but it needs people who are a notch above YeshivaWorld commenters, who have more to offer than rabid hatred and mental problems.

Shut the Hell Up: My Petition to Ari Hart and Uri L’tzedek

Mem’Hey Ba’Omer
April 34, 1921
Mr. Ari Hart
220 West Kochleffel Lane
Atlanta, GA, 90210

Dear Ari Hart,

Shut the hell up.

I say this to you not only as a Jew, a human being and a biological lifeform who’s sick to death of self-righteous wannabe Rabbis like you so desperate for two inches in the Forward that you’ll grow a scraggly goat beard, put on a t-shirt, creating yet another stupid social justice organization like Uri L’tzedek and distributing your online petitions as if anyone but your friends at the JTA, the Forward and all the other Jewish print media that nobody but their own interns actually reads, cares.

Just in case I wasn’t clear about that, shut the hell up. No I don’t care, shut the hell up.

God knows there’s a lot of useless Rabbis out there, but the most obnoxiously useless variety of them are twerps like you who spend your time living out some 60’s social activism fantasy by putting logos on your t-shirts and flying around the country to annoy people and get a story about you put in the paper.

And now look you Ari Hart made an online petition and you Ari Hart got your two frakking columns in the Forward and Jewschool which loves hating Jews to death is writing about you, Ari Hart!!! Congratulations. It’s all about you. If Rabbis were celebrities, you’d be the Shia LeBeouf of Rabbidom, smug, annoying and useless.

I know after a hard day of work of condescending to the elderly, IM’ing Mobius and figuring out how to make the Uri L’tzedek logo look even gayer than it does already while pondering the prophetic tradition you probably think your life is worthwhile. I’ve got news for you. It isn’t.

I’m really glad you’re raising money for the Rubashkin Mexican Meth producing illegal aliens on behalf of a Catholic Church. This is a wonderful project because the money can go to three places

1. Catholic Church settlements for molesting little boys

2. Project “Gay Up that Uri L’tzedek Logo Some More”

3. Funding Mexican illegals so they can one day run you over in broad daylight while driving with a license plate made of glued together pieces of toilet paper

Personally I encourage you Ari Hart and Sister Mary McCauley to go for Options 1 and 2, because the logo of a completely useless organization that only exists on the internet can never be too gay and because child molesting should only happen to parents who choose to send their kids to schools belonging to groups that are known for their Laissez-faire policy on molesting kids.

Heretofore, I want to ask you to

1. Shut the hell up

2. Shut the hell up

3. Get a real job that requires you to shave your goat beard, put away your guitar and work for a living, instead of mumbling vaguely about Tikkun Olam and flying to Burma to annoy rescue workers.

4. Shut the hell up.

In doing so I ask you to maintain the high standards of Gershon The Winkler, The Fonz, Peter Rabbit and Puff the Marshmallow Man, admit your uselessness and do something more productive with your life, like digging holes in random highways. Until you make these changes I feel compelled to keep making fun of you and making your logo look even gayer than it already does.

I regret this course of action as much as you do. Wait, no I don’t. Shut the hell up and cram your petition where the sun don’t shine.

שָׂנֵאתִי הַשֹּׁמְרִים הַבְלֵי-שָׁוְא Pslams 31:7

Samurai Mohel

Lakewood News We Don’t Care About

This is Lakewood News We Don’t Care About

Modern Orthodox Jews Discovered in Lakewood

Lakewood Mayor Meir Lichtenstein has called for a speedy police investigation after reports came of Modern Orthodox Jews in Lakewood.

“The Blacks and the Mexicans are one thing, at least they clean our toilets, but modern Orthodox Jews we draw the line,” said Rabbi Chaim Velvel Lichtman from the Yeshiva, “this abomination we cannot tolerate in our midst.”

Woman Arrested After Having Only Two Children

Golda Brucha Pensikov was taken into custody yesterday after ignoring repeated warnings about her failure to produce more children. Multiple citations as well as messages from the Vaad HaKelulos had utterly failed to move her to bring new life forth from her womb.

“She is married ten years and only two yingelach,” said Lakewood kochleffel Yechiel Weinstrasser, “surely she is eppes using some sort of birth control or something. Also once I saw her wearing denim on shabbes just like a shiska.”

Lakewood Bochur Unable to Decide Between Luach and Porn for his T-Mobile RAZR

Lakewood Bochur Baruch Goldman remains conflicted over whether to use his T-Mobile’s remaining app space for pornography or a Luach.

“On the one hand maybe the cell phone has nitzotzos that I can elevate by installing a Luach on it so I can come only three hours late to the bais medrash but on the other hand maybe it has the koichos of tumah in it since it’s made by ovdei avodah zara and so I shouldn’t try to fight it but let it serve me until the shiddech finally comes through,” said Baruch.

BMG officials claimed not to know who Baruch Goldman was and then announced a policy of pushing back Shidduchim for another year to “allow the bochurim to concentrate on what really counts.”

Lubavitch Coming to Lakewood

It has been announced that Lubavitch are coming to Lakewood to perform some sort of filthy ritual involving a giant metal statue of a menorah and semi-famous intermarried Jewish celebrities. All residents of Lakewood are encouraged to greet them with stones and curses. This is expected to bring together Lakewood’s Black and Haredi residents together over their common hatred of Lubavitchers.

Blogger Hysteria over Sex Abuse in the Orthodox Community: “Won’t Someone Please Think of the Children!!!”

These days nothing gets the assorted idiots of the Jblogsphere wound up like another accusation of child abuse against a Rabbi or a Rabbi making a statement that in some way or form maybe possibly minimizes the full seriousness of child abuse which is an issue we should be occupied with 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365 days of the year.

And now for a rebuttal from the Shrieking Idiot crowd.


Thanks Shrieking Idiot.

Ever since an unmedicated nutjob calling himself UnOrthodox Jew began shrieking his fool head off, claims and accusations of child abuse in the Orthodox community has gotten MO bloggers to salivate over the promise of having their very own Catholic Church child sex abuse scandal to play with.

But let’s bottom line this bitch, SEXUAL ABUSE OF KIDS HAPPENS IN EVERY KIND OF INSTITUTION AND EVERY KIND OF INSTITUTION COVERS IT UP. Go look at the backlog, it happens in Catholic, Protestant, Reform, Conservative, Modern Orthodox, Haredi and Muslim and Buddhist and Secular Humanist schools.

Pedophiles don’t have a religion. Every type of institution also covers them up because they’re bad publicity and because every kind of institution covers up for their own.

Most of the MO bloggers shrieking on about sex abuse in the Haredi world wouldn’t give a fraction of this coverage to sex abuse in the Modern Orthodox world. How often has Hirhurim written about sex abuse in the MO world?

And now for a rebuttal from the shrieking idiot crowd.


American hysteria about the sex abuse of children has long passed the bend into insane. The Jblogsphere is going down the same road. I got news for you guys, I have no problem calling the Haredi world on its defects, but if you think the MO world is any better, you’re living in Fantasyville.

Baruch Lanier anyone?

Some Lessons for the Jewish Press on Blogging

I don’t know whether to laugh or yawn at this point. Now Chumi Friedman has apparently unilaterally edited Elliot Resnick’s post in order to get across “The point he wanted to make” even as she deleted what he wrote in his own defense, calling it an administrative decision. I think this officially qualifies as a disaster in damage control.

Something to remember the next time the Jewish Press sneers at other newspapers. The Jewish Press wanted to get into blogging on the cheap, but if a newspaper runs a blog it had better do it professionally. The Elliot Resnick mess was unprofessional. Elliot Resnick slandered an entire Jewish community and Chumi Friedman made it worse with a clumsy coverup, lashing out at everyone for engaging in Lashon Hara and claiming that Elliot Resnick was only guilty of a poor choice of words.

Sorry but this is not a poor choice of words. “Unfortunately, some Jews, including — or perhaps especially Chassidic Jews, will make sure never to shake a woman’s hand and to always faithfully wear a black hat but lie (stretching the truth is perhaps a more delicate term) with astonishing some ease.”

Or as Chumi Friedman says, “The point he wanted to make was that not all, or most, or even many Chassidim or Chareidim (or Modern Orthodox Jews for that matter) are guilty of the behavior described in the post; however, it is not an uncommon occurrence in Orthodox communities.”

Nope, his point was that this is common among Chassidim. That was the whole thrust of his post. It was wrong halachically. It was wrong ethically and it was wrong journalistically. Just admit it and move on.