Report of the Bulletin of the International World Alliance of Messianic Judaism Worldwide in Rosh Pina Project Colada

Brethren and Cistern of Rosh Pina Project Colada

There isn’t a day that doesn’t go by in the Holy Land when we (the Real Jews) Ya’buuudim aren’t oppressed by the Jews (the Fake Jews). Why every day those cunning low down dirty Jews (Fake Jews) who have occupied our Holy Land (Ya’aretz Fusraelle) make fun of us for trying to preach the Gospel of the Lard Yeshua HaChristina yAguillera , who rose from the dead for their sins.

Why just yesterday our brother in Yeshua (Ye’pshua), Rabbi Leroy Brown (Re’abi Learoy Baruun) was denied a visa because he was not a Jew. Now who but the racist Jews (fake Jews) dare say that Rabbi Leroy Brown is not a Jew. Why he’s as Jewish, as Brother Bill McSheygetz, Stepbrother Luis Maricon and Sister Mary Caponella, or me, Father George Sweeney of Rosh Pina Project Colada.

But even though our Lard Yeshua Crackers fulfilled EVERY SINGLE ONE of the prophecies that our translators stuck into their Bible, they insist on sticking to their bizarre laws which the Lard admitted WERE A MISTAKE THAT HE DIDN’T REALLY MEAN. And in the meantime the Believers (real Jews) are harassed daily by terror squads of Lubavitch/Gur Hassidim who beat us with their fur hats and won’t take our sacred leaflets of the Word of the Lard!

Right now the only folk we can spread the good word to are already Christian Ethiopians and elderly Russian drunks who go from church to church to cash in and get free food. And the clock is ticking! The New Testament proclaims that Salvation is Of the Jews. Which means we the Real Jews (real fake Jews) have to replace the Fake Jews (real Jews) before it’s too late, or we’re doomed to spend forever back in Tennessee listening to some Church youth rap group practice their latest number, “What a Wicked Friend We Have in Our Homie, Jesus”.

And the only way we can do this is with your money. Believers are working their holy asses off to bring the word to the Fake Real Jews, but we can’t do it without a lot of your donations. We’re invading Israel. We’re going into their coffee shops and getting kicked out for telling people they’re going to hell. But that’s okay. We came prepared for that. We’re martyrs, just like all the Jews our ancestors killed because they wouldn’t take our illuminated parchment leaflets back in the Middle Ages. But it ain’t no fun being a martyr without a Mercedes Benz (send Martyrdom\Mercedes Benz donations to: ROSH PINA PROJECT COLADA C/O REAL JEW BIBLE COLLEGE C/O INTERNATIONAL WORLDWIDE ALLIANCE OF MESSIANIC JUDIASM IN TENNESSEE, 6012 ROBERT E. LEE RD, KILLAJEW, TENNESSEE).

We’re doing our part for the Lard. We’re holding our Davidic dances. We’re annoying tourists. We’re visiting Ukrainian prostitutes and bringing them to the Lard, and tipping them afterward. But are you doing yours? You have NO IDEA how bad it is out here. The heat, the humidity, the rejection. Our reverend leader, Rav Sheigetz McSkutz has almost given up hope and is ready to take his beautiful real Jewish wife, Beulah Cohanstein, back to Teneesee and his job serving burgers at the Great All-American Fried Roadkill Cafe. Only your money can make the difference!

Every day we’re sweating it to bring the message of Yeshua Crackers to the Fake Real Jew (Yabaduoum), and our congregation in the House of Da’veed, United Congregation of Baal, grows every time an Ethiopian on an expired visa needs an air conditioned place to spend an hour on sunday. So many people who were already Christians in the Holy Land are being brought to know our Lard and Shaver. But it’s not enough. We’ve done our Davidic dances to Baal (Yeshua Ha’Crotchety), and we don’t doubt that somewhere he is listening to us, unless he’s had some sour grapes and is in the john. But only if you donate right now.

I tell you we’re so close. Them Real Fake Jews already believe that a man is their messiah, an old guy named Scheenerson or something. Why can’t they believe in our man? We at Rosh Pina Project Colada have a man god too, and ours is so much cooler. He’s anorexic and asexual. We’ve got frakking homoerotic portraits of him hanging everywhere. We’ve got a sacrament to commemorate the time he turned an ordinary can of sugar into high quality Colombian cocaine.

Even as you’re reading this, dozens of cocaine addicted believers are scratching their noses and pretending to be Jews. For the Lard! We’re trying to reach the Jewish people with a message of love. Okay mostly hate, but our loving message of hate lets them know how much our Lard and Shaver, Joshua Crackerbox loves them and hates them, and wants them to be in a sexually ambiguous relationship with him too! And we need your help. Send us cocaine! Mountains and mountains of cocaine.

The zionist pharisee orthodjews won’t let us bring in sacramental cocaine because they know its power! They say it’s illegal. The very same people who crucified our lard on a cross of wood are crucifying our cocaine. Something must be done! Set our righteous Christian cocaine free! Liberate the martyrs of our meth labs. Don’t let the pharisees nail our PCP to a cross just like they did the lamb of gawd! Call your congressman! Call your Senator! Call your President. And pray for us for we are going cold turkey. Amen.

Remember the clock is ticking. Before the End Times come, we have to replace all the goddamn Jews so Gawd has no choice but to take us instead. Brother Leroy Brown, Sister Maria Capone, Stepbrother Luis Maricon and his Holiness, Father Bill Sweeney are counting on you to help the International World Global Messianic Alliance do it before it’s too late.

With Faith in Your Money

Rabbi Sheigetz McSkutz
PhD, DD, ADD from Moody Bible College
Rabbinical Degree from Tennessee Jew College teaching Jew Stuff
Rosh Pina Project Colada

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BREAKING: New Tznius Regulations Released for Parkville Heights

Dear Parkvillians (Parkvillites?)

I know we’re all enjoying the warm weather this spring, the new line of TZNIUS spring fashions at Tzippi’s LaRouchey BOUTIQUE that leave you feeling just like you’re in FRANCE and our wonderful darling CHILDREN (for those who have them).

Yet as a Parkvillite myself, I can’t help but notice the TRAGEDIES s going on around us this spring and wonder what we can do to prevent them.

There’s old man Niereberger’s phlebitis acting up and his son’s gonorrhea, which is also acting up. There are the many BEE STINGS from which our wonderful darling children are suffering day after day, with no RELIEF in sight.

Then there’s little Yitzi Weinberg who got drunk on raisin wine and slammed his tatti’s PORSCHE SUV right through the front window of Parkville Delicious Pizza Parlor on Motzi Shabbos. The insurance rates are HORRIBLE.

And there’s the sad case of little Shuey Goldstein who learned to curse from YouTube and now swears like a foul mouthed sailor ALL DAY. And it isn’t funny!!!

Also there’s stuff going on in Eretz Yisrael all the time, but we don’t pay attention to it, unless we’re going to VACATION there for Pesach. (In which case we cancel the flight.)

When we see tragedies like this all around us, our first reaction has to be, what can we, as ignorant but well off LADIES, do about it?

On Yom Kippur we focus on Tefillah, Teshuvah and Tzedakah.  But every day for us it’s more important to focus on another T word, TZNIUS. After the last Parkville neighborhood tragedy, when Chezki Zibblestein turned on a fire hydrant which smashed through our front window and soaked our European imported designer sofa cover fabrics, to help me understand how to cope with this tragedy I turned for answers to Rav David Eigenstein.

First I caught his wife who told me to call back later, during dinner. But Rav David was never home, so I kept calling and calling, until he finally picked up at 3 AM, heard me out and told me to SHUT THE HELL UP AND NEVER CALL HIM AGAIN. At first I was insulted and decided to cut down his Purim basket next year from 200 dollars to only 150. But then on sober reflection I decided that I needed to take away an IMPORTANT LIFE LESSON.

What Rav David was really telling me in his TYPICALLY ABRASIVE way was that I needed to incorporate more Tznius into my life.

Now in consultation with the Ladies Board of Parkville Communal Institutions Authority, (Chanie Mittrager, Yintzie Blinstein, Kizzie Baranover, Mintzy Blaumlach and Dalli Glintzlacher) and with Rav David Eigenstein, in an advisory capacity… we have decided to take upon ourselves the deep well of moral responsibility to issue NEW TZINUS REGULATIONS FOR ALL OF PARKVILLE AND THE SURROUNDING NEIGHBORHOODS AND COMMUNITIES.

For the sake of our WONDERFUL DARLING CHILDREN, from now on please observe the following Tznius regulations on a day to day basis to avoid being shunned as a DISGUSTING DISEASED PARIAH by your loving friends and neighbors… and help us avoid the manifold tragedies that can come from TZNIUS VIOLATIONS.

1. Ladies are to avoid walking within 12 feet of an uncovered open window in their own homes. Within 8 feet of an uncovered closed window and within 4 feet of a closed window covered over with heavy dark wool.

2. Photos should only be taken by a close male relative, unless they are extremely unflattering photos.

3. Our own unscientific study shows that most pritzus and lashon hara occurs in phone conversation between the hours of 2 and 3 PM. That is why no phone conversations should take place between those hours unless something very important needs to be ordered over the phone.

4. Bathroom windows should be removed and tastefully mortared over.

5. When encountering a surveillance camera, please walk in a circular path to avoid having your image imprinted on its lens.

6. Driving is non-tznius. Chauffeurs are tznius.

7. Sex in the City DVD viewing parties should in the future not include any men.

8. Ninjas are tznius, as they are all covered up and sneak around. Pirates are not tznius, as they wear little and make a lot of noise when they walk.

9. Tzippy’s LaRouchey Boutique (run by my dear friend Tzippy Boimelstein) has the most stylish and fashionable Tznius spring fashions around. Not shopping there is a definite Tznius violation.

That is all for now. If we think of anything else, we’ll put it in next week’s bulletin.

By the way I notice many Parkvillians are tossing these bulletins straight into the trash or using them to scoop up dog doo doo. I just want to reach out to my neighbors and say that this is very wrong and if you keep doing this YOU AND YOUR LITTLE DOG WILL BOTH BURN FOREVER IN HELL. Yes I mean you Mrs. Schneiderman. I know you think you’re so important because you went to college and read the newspaper. Well let me tell you something, Charles Manson went to college too and look where he ended up!

Bizchus of us doing these things, may we merit a trouble free summer with no sunburns or bee stings anymore for our WONDERFUL DARLING CHILDREN

With much love and regrets.

P.S. Let’s meet on a Yeedle Cruise

Malkie Chazzerstein

Parkville Ladies Association of Communities Authority

SEXUAL PREDITORS IN OUR COMMUNTIES – 2ND ANNUEL REPORT

This is my 2nd Annual Report on Sexual Preditors in our Communities. My first report was last week and since it is January or February now, this is my 2nd report for the year. There might be more, it depends on if I can make more appointments at the library without anyone seeing me.

Sexual Preditors in our Communities is a very important topic. As you know there are millions of sexual preditors in our communities. Every few days you hear of someone getting sexual predated on for no reason at all, and no one wants to do anything about it except me. I say we should all be speaking out about this very serious problem but obviously you all disagree because you are not paying attention to me and my AdSense is not making me any money. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Issues to Report

1.  This is not a joke – Some people have mailed me to ask me if this is a joke. This is not a joke. Sexual preditoring is a very serious matter and should not be taken over by lightheaded people.

Some have abused my REPORT A SEXUAL PREDITOR feature to send messages saying that I am the Sexual Preditor. This is completely false and also it is Lashon Hara.

I am not a Sexual Preditor. I think I would know if I was a Sexual Preditor. For example I drive a van, and I sometimes look after little boys and I hang around the Mikvah late at night when the women are leaving… so with all those oppurtunities if I was a Sexual Preditor, I would be Sexually Preditoring a lot believe me. But I’m not.

2. I need a Column – Sexual Preditoring is a very serious issue so I have proposed that Jewish newpspaers should make a SEXUAL PREDITORIAL run by me to denounce that sort of thing that would be called THE SEXUAL PREDITORIAL WITH MOSHE HEIMLICH. Also they would pay me for it. Several newspapers turned me down saying they already have plenty of Sexual Preditors on staff that they don’t need to pay.

3. Sexual Preditorizing in Nature – I just discovered that a lot of Sexual Preditorizing goes on in nature and people should do something about it. I am not sure what. Like this one time I was in Shiur and I saw one dog sexually preditorizing another, and the Menahel came over and smacked me on the head, and told me if I kept on this way I would become a homosexual. I have not done that since and I am pretty sure I am not a homosexual.

4. That Strange Guy down the Block – There is a strange guy down the block who keeps staring at me every time I go into his store. He is Korean or something Chinese or maybe he has bad eyes or something. Anyway he stares at me a lot, especially when I am stealing from him. I think he might be a Sexual Preditor.

5. Driving a Van is Really Boring – Driving a Van is really very boring. A lot of people don’t know that. I began this blog about Sexual Preditors hoping to make money so I don’t have to drive a van to make extra money, but so far I am not making anything from AdSense. I wonder if there is more money in being a Sexual Preditor than in denouncing them? If there are any Sexual Preditors reading this blog, please drop me a message to let me know how much you make an hour.

6. Sexual Preditorizing All Over the Internet – I did some searches not long ago on the internet about Sexually Preditorizing and discovered that there are hundreds of websites full of pictures and video of Sexual Preditorization. So I spent many hours browsing them, and downloading some as evidence for my report. The people at the library gave me strange looks, but I told them I was only doing it to fight terrible crimes.

Also I am almost certain my Menahel was wrong.

7. I have to Go Drive the Van Now – I have to go drive the van now because my pager is going off like crazy. Most people don’t have pagers anymore but I am behind the times on technology. Also with a pager the government can’t track what you’re doing from space, like they do to everyone else.

If you have any more ideas how I can stop Sexual Preditors so I don’t have to spend a lot of time driving a van, drop me a message,

 PROTECTING YOU FROM SEXUAL PREDITORS

Moshe Heimlich

THE SEXUAL PREDITOR PROBLEM

Sexual Preditor Report Issue 1

Many bloggers today in the Jewish community is talking about the VERY SERIOUS problem of Sexual Preditors. Once before no one knew about Sexual Preditors and they were able to Sexually Predate at free will. Jewish newspapers in the “Frum” world still refuse to print information about Sexual Preditors, such as that they have beards and things inside their pants they do to you with.

I have learned about this Sexual Preditor problem only very recently and am working my behind off to bring you public information about the SEXUAL PREDITOR problem that mainstream Jewish newspapers will not bring you, because they are full of advertisements instead.

Here are some important facts about SEXUAL PREDITORS everyone needs to know, whether they want to or not

1. Sexual Preditors can look like anyone

While Sexual Preditors are often Rebbes or Mikvah ladies, the truth is that Sexual Preditors can be anyone. They can be your neighbor, your proctologist or even your friendly old grandmother. Yes she looks nice, but what if she is really a Sexual Preditor disguised as your friendly old grandma?

Look in the mirror in the bathroom when you are showering. If you see two people there, the one who is not you, may be a sexual preditor. Unless you shower with other people, though this is wrong. Or you are hallucinating.

2. Avoid Sexual Preditors

This is hard because Sexual Preditors can be anywhere. Sexual Preditors can hide behind the door when you come in, and then they jump out and yell, “Boo, I am a Sexual Preditor!” and then you cannot do anything, because they have already yelled at you and made you feel bad and dirty.

Yeshivas have many Sexual Preditors so you should not go to any. I go to a Yeshiva, but every time I walk in I yell, “I See You Sexual Preditors, Go Away!” which is why I never get sexually predated much, and they usually just let me steal food from the refrigitator without saying anything.

3. Report Sexual Preditors

If you see someone sexually predating, report them right away to me. Send me an email to SexualPreditorReporting@msn.com and whenever I see them I will yell at them that they are a Sexual Preditor, also I will post it at my blog. This will immediately get me more traffic.

4. Famous Sexual Preditors

Famous people are more likely to be sexual preditors as being famous gives them all kinds of sexual urges. So be very careful around famous people, and do not ask them for their autograph as they may take it the wrong way.

Here are some famous people who were also sexual preditors

A. All Rebbes

B. Slomo Carlibach

C. All Rabbis

D. Mordekai Ben David

E. Yeedle

F. That guy who sings that song, I forget the words, something about Kol VeNoam?

G. Everyone in Frum Music

H. That guy who hangs around the pizza store looking strange at me.

I. Maybe you? Who says you’re not? Prove it! I demand that you prove it right now!

5. Sexual Preditors is a Very Important Issue

At first I did not know what to make my blog about. At first I thought I would make it about AdSense tips, but I have no tips because I make no moneys with AdSense because I have no traffic. Then I thoguht what about driving vans. But my friend told me no one wants to read a blog about driving vans because that is stupid. So I will write about sexual preditors now and alert people to the problem and then I can get some AdSense and give people SEO tips, which I think is something sexual preditors do to you… I am still figuring this internet thing out.

Anyway if you are in Boro Park and see a Sexual Preditor, tell me about it. Also I will soon try to have a guest blog from an actual Sexual Preditor (my grandmother) to try and make them see what they tick and why?

For the Sexual Preditor Report, this is your host and protector

Moishe Heimlich