Jesus Christ, Would Dennis Prager Shut the Hell Up About Christmas

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Dennis Prager likes to talk about two things

  1. Nothing
  2. Christmas

All year the Prager hibernates in his burrow scribbling nonsense no one reads. But at Christmas, he emerges, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, to spew forth his love for Christmas like a bum vomiting green and red Chinese food leftovers into a slumlord’s dumpster.

Every year there are articles.

Saying ‘Merry Christmas’ Is Very Important, Most Jews Wish You a Merry Christmas and A Yeshiva Boy and Christmas.

There’s even a radio show, “A Happy Jew at Christmas”.

Jesus Fucking Goldberg.

Dennis Prager has played Santa. “I volunteered to be Santa Claus for the Simi Valley Rotary Club, of which I was a member. So, during the same week that I led Sabbath services and study for about a thousand Jews, I also went to my Rotary Club meeting (what is more American than the Rotary Club?), and I was the Santa Claus for a local department store.”

He drags his family into his creepy Christmas fetish. “When my Jewish-day-school-attending children were young, I used to take them to see homes that had particularly beautiful Christmas lights.”

Jiminy Jumping Jesustein, Dennis Prager really loves his Christmas.

And this year, Dennis Prager is back for Christmas. He’s offended that waiters aren’t wishing him Merry Christmas.

“I have been wished “Happy Holidays” by every waiter and waitress in every restaurant I have dined; by every one of the young people who welcome me when I go to the gym; by every flight attendant and pilot on every one of my flights; and by every individual I’ve dealt with on the phone. When I respond “Thank you. Merry Christmas,” I sometimes sense that I have actually created some tension.”

It’s okay Dennis. They’re just wondering why the fat Jew who smells like candy canes and despair is taking the name of their lord in vain.

“I am a non-Christian. I am a Jew. Christmas is therefore no more a religious holy day for me than Ramadan. But I am an American, and Christmas is a national holiday of my country. It is therefore my holiday, though not my holy day, as much as it is for my fellow Americans who are Christian. By not wishing me a Merry Christmas, you are not being inclusive. You are deliberately excluding me from one of my nation’s national holidays.”

Stop excluding Dennis Prager from a holiday he doesn’t celebrate!!!

What is Christmas to Dennis Prager? It’s not the birth of Christ. It’s a department store Santa. It’s a radio jingle. It’s a bunch of lights.

That’s all it is.

When Dennis Prager isn’t complaining about the Anti-Christmas Conspiracy, he’s complaining about the Christians who want to celebrate, not secularize, their holiday.

Every year, as predictable as the arrival of the winter solstice is the arrival of criticism about the commercialization of Christmas. We are told by well meaning killjoys that Christ and all religious meaning have been taken out of Christmas because Americans spend too much money on Christmas gifts and because stores have rendered Christmas little more than a great time to sell product.

If there is a better example of people complaining about something that is overwhelmingly good and wholesome, I would like to know what it is.

To Christians, it’s Christmas that is good and wholesome, not lights, jingles or dressing up as the guy from a Coca Cola bottle.

Dennis Prager accuses Jews who aren’t into Christmas of being secularists because he’s too dumb to open a dictionary.

Jews who don’t celebrate Christmas aren’t secularists. Dennis Prager is a secularist for loving the commercial aspects of a religious holiday he doesn’t believe in.

When Dennis Prager distinguishes between “holiday” and “holy day”, he is being a damn no good secularist.

Christmas is not about presents. It’s not about Santa. It’s about Christ.

Religious Christians and Jews get it. Dennis Prager who is neither, doesn’t.

New Sefer, “Minchagei Ve’Halachot Cellphones” issued

Recently it has come to our attention that the ancient tradition of talking on a cellphone in shul which dates back to meyemei moshe is under attack by people seeking to undermine this heilige minchag. Cellphone talking has been banned in some modern shuls under the pretext of kavod hatzibur. It is however an Issur De’oraita to prevent anyone from talking on the cellphone, whether during or before davening, as it says Lo Tahsom Shor Bedisoi and the gematria of Shor is Shin Reish which is, give or take a few hundred, the frequency of a cell phone. And so we have written this sefer in exchange for a discount coupon at Jerusalem Pizza to publicize these key halachot and minchagim of cellphone use in shul.

Talking on the cellphone in shul during davening is widely known as a segulah for having many children who will grow up to beat you, steal your money and put you in an old age home.

When talking on a cellphone during davening, one should move about walking from one part of the shul to disturb as many people as possible. This will make the satan very happy and complacent and cause him to go on vacation before yom kippur to the Bahamas.

Instead of talking to someone else in shul, call them on their cell phone. Personalized ringtones will also provide background music that the chazan will be very gratefull for.

The volume at which you may talk into the cell phone increases depending on the value of your atarah, your yichus, your position in the community, the amount you contributed at the last appeal and how big a mechutzaf you are. An Adam Gadol may scream into his cell phone while an ordinary person should talk in a voice only loud enough to prevent anyone nearby from hearing the chazan.

There is a minchag in some communities to go into the Ezras Nashim to use the cellphone, even while women are there. However this is a violation of Tznius and the nashim must be expelled beforehand as they don’t have a chiyuv of talking on a cellphone in shul anyway. They may however be yoitzeh with your phone call if they call you during davening.

During Kaddish it is important to compete with the chazan by raising your voice even louder and preventing anyone from answering omein. By ruining not only your own davening but the davening of an entire tzibur, you can be zoche to be a tzaddik like yerovam and be a hote u’machate harabim and recieve their schar as well.

It’s brought down in kabbalah that every time you talk on a cellphone in shul two malachim bring down a cellphone as a keter to stick on your head and this is why those who are makdim to speak on cellphones in shul are also the first to lose their hair.

Talking about a real estate deal on a cellphone in shul is a segulah to have your building overrun with diseased cats and homeless vargants who will perform voodoo in there and then set it on fire for your very own ihr hanidachat.

If anyone interrupts your cellphone conversation with their davening, it is right and proper to glare angrily at them, stick your free hand in your ear and say, “Excuse me I’m talking to someone here.”

If you begin the cellphone conversation in the shul but then leave and continue it outside, you are not yoitzeh talking on a cellphone in shul unless you complete the hatimat shtus by returning to end your conversation in shul. If you leave to use the bathroom but return in time to be mebalbel the tzibbur answering yehei shmei rabbah, surely your reward will be great.

It is a midat chassidus when having finished your cellphone conversation to offer your cellphone to anyone who wants to make their own call so that you are mahati many others by giving them the chance to have the mitzvah of disrupting davening as well. Anyone who does this will surely be zocher to have severe nasal congestion be’olam hazeh and no nose at all in olah habah.

If we are carefull in this we will surely be too busy on our cellphones to hear Moshiach when he comes and we’ll never have to leave galut or our cell phone plans at all.

Reconstructionist Judaism to Ordain Squirrels as Rabbis

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(JTA)

“With this step forward, Reconstructionist Judaism sets out to right a historic wrong,” said Rabbi Willow Tambourine, the President of the Reconstructionist Rabbinical College of Unraveled Judaism.

And then she placed both hands on the head of a squirrel marking the ordination of the first Squirrel Rabbi.

Reconstructionist Judaism had previously ordained men, women, gay men, gay women, non-Jews, non-Jewish gay women, homeless people wandering in to use the bathroom at the rabbinical college, a table, three chairs and a bottle of wine as Rabbis.

“There are some reactionary elements in our movement who resisted the ordination of Rabbi Nut Clover,” Willow Tambourine said, her voice becoming heated at the injustice. “Was it because Rabbi Nut Clover is a female squirrel? Is it because she’s a transgender squirrel, or at least that’s her current gender identity after I had to castrate her when I found out she was male? Was it because of an Islamophobic reaction to the tiny Keffiyeh I knitted for her?”

“I don’t know,” Rabbi Willow Tambourine argues, her voice growing heated. “But I knew in my heart that this bigotry couldn’t be allowed to continue any longer.”

Rabbi Nut Squirrel is the first, but not the last animal Reconstructionist Rabbi. Reconstructionist congregants are clamoring to ordain their cats. And the graduating class of SHTUSS – The Reconstructionist Rabbinical College’s New Mexico division includes an alligator and three mice who were caught in cafeteria glue traps and then sentenced to a course of study.

“Reconstructionist Judaism is always moving forward,” Rabbi Wilcox Mushroom said. Rabbi Mushroom is a tour guide who has his own YouTube channel and conducts weekly Rosh Hashana services in a sacred Navajo tree.

“Reform Judaism keeps trying to catch up to our progress, but we’re always progressing beyond it. Because we’ve tapped into the power of the cosmos,” said Rabbi Mushroom, tapping his head. “After squirrels we’re going to ordain stars and then black holes. And then the entire Planet Earth.”

“Just think of it,” said Rabbi Tambourine, who blogs at Willow Rabbinics and works part time at an organic coffee chain. “The Earth Goddess herself will be our ultimate Rabbi. And she will be a beautiful transgender planet womyn whom we will all worship. Just like me.”

One challenge facing Reconstructionist Judaism’s future Rabbis is its shortage of congregations. While there are only thirteen Reconstructionist synagogues, four of them in Berkeley and one in Gaza, and only 386 identified Reconstructionist Jews living in the United States, there are 385 Reconstructionist Rabbis.”

But Rabbi Mushroom views that plurality of Rabbis, some of whom don’t even know they’ve been ordained, as an affirmation of the movement that he claims to lead, pending outcome of several lawsuits in Rhode Island State Court and the International Criminal Court.

“Other movements have too few Rabbis. We have too many Rabbis. Everyone can be a Reconstructionist Rabbi. Everyone can be a Reconstructionist Jew. Every day I walk down the street with my magic Navajo spirit stick pointing at people and ordaining them Reconstructionist Rabbis. On my last vacation, I ordained half of Mexico.”

Rabbi Nut Clover offered no comment when interviewed about her status as the future of Reconstructionist Judaism. Instead s/he bit Rabbi Willow Tambourine’s finger. Rabbi Tambourine angrily accused her of being a right-wing Zionist extremist.

Rabbis Condemn Disgusting Murder by Jewish Zealot

Rabbis Condemn Disgusting Murder by Jewish Zealot

Jews everywhere are reeling from a disgusting murder committed by a Jewish extremist fighting what he believed was immorality.

“He just went after them and killed both of them,” Mimri bat Shaul, the sister of the deceased man said. “His intolerance led to the murder of my brother and his girlfriend. And it must stop. We must teach our children that there is no such thing as right and wrong.”

Rabbis and Jewish leaders everywhere condemned the crime by Pinchas, who some have alleged was bitter at not having been made a Kohen.

“I don’t know where this troubled man got the idea that you can just kill someone committing an abomination in the eyes of God,” said Rabbi Hertzlich. “It certainly isn’t found anywhere in the Torah.”

Rabbi Hertzlich had visited Zimri in the hospital before he expired and spoke of holding the dying man’s hand.

“Whatever some have alleged, this man was a prince of Israel from a very nice family. Maybe he made a mistake, but who are we to judge? We are called on to love each other all the time.”

Other Jewish leaders expressed concern that the murder of a Midaanite princess would harm Israel in the eyes of the world and lead to a conflict with Midaan.

“What happens if the Midaanites attack us?” asked Baal Keri. “We need to send a diplomatic delegation to Midaan apologizing for our actions and offering them reparations and the promise that Pinchas will be punished.”

Some Jewish leaders used stronger words.

“We must vomit up this hatred from our midst,” Shaul, Zimri’s father, warned. “There can be no room in Judaism for intolerance. That is why we must find whoever gave this Pinchas his twisted ideas and drive him out of the Jewish people. Even if it goes right up to Moshe.”

Rabbi Hertzlich agreed that there was no room in Judaism for hatred. “That is why I am so deeply troubled by the reports that Moshe actually made Pinchas a Kohen. It sends the wrong message about our religion. I don’t know who this Hashem person is, but it’s time that He stopped perverting Judaism.”

Jewish Leaders Condemn Horrific Murder of Egyptian Babies

Shock and horror filled leaders of the Jewish community in the first hours after they learned that every single Egyptian first-born, including the infants, had been struck down at midnight.

“I don’t have the words to describe this crime,” said Machla Chalerya-Goldberg. “What happened makes me ashamed to be Jewish.”

While leading Jewish leaders from among the elders admitted that they had been involved in a dispute with the Egyptian government over centuries of slavery, none of them had ever wanted it to come to bloodshed.

“Just because they murdered our children, we should be happy that their children were killed?” asked Rabbi Hertzlich. “That is un-Jewish thinking. Now some of our people, chalila, are going into the homes of grieving families and shaking them down for their expensive jewelery as payment for our labor. Where were these animals raised?”

Instead Jewish leaders are taking up a collection for the grieving Egyptian families. Some of the money will be used to repair many of the idols that fell down during the horror that it being described as the final plague.

“Some people are actually happy about this atrocity,” Machla Chalerya-Goldberg said. “I don’t see anything Jewish about them. Formerly I wanted to leave slavery in Egypt, but now I have decided to stay and help the Egyptians rebuild rather than participate in some imperialistic journey into the desert to conquer and kill other people.”

“This tragedy has caused me to realize that my real home is here in Egypt. I call on all the Jews ungratefully leaving to appoint a new leader, turn around and return to Cairo.”

Rabbi Hertzlich refused to go that far. “I am willing to go along on this Exodus, but we must begin a dialogue with this Hashem person about acceptable and unacceptable tactics. I always wanted this liberation to be a non-violent protest movement. And now I’m worried about what He has in mind for Canaan. After all our suffering as Jews, we should be sensitive to the plight of the Jebusites and the many other people of Canaan. What good will it be if we leave slavery in Egypt only to enslave others in Canaan?”

While Rabbi Hertzlich packs for the trip into the desert, Machla Chalerya-Goldberg has organized a brigade of volunteers to begin rebuilding the pyramids.

There Is No Such Thing as a Gay Family

Dear Eshel Idiot,

Thank you for your letter to the Jewish 6 Towns Weekly Times Gazette. We were gratified to hear that your darling son David is happily married and that you want the Orthodox Jewish community to be more open to committed LGBTQXYZ relationships like his.

We’re sorry to inform you that your son isn’t married. He lives with a roommate. The roommate sometimes fucks him in the ass.

(Or whatever. It’s not our business. We’re going to lunch after this and we’d rather not think about it.)

No amount of ass fucking will ever make your David pregnant. Not even if he gets his shmeckel cut off and starts wearing a dress. It won’t make his roommate pregnant either.

Eventually they’ll have to buy a Filipino orphan to molest and take pictures with at Disneyland before selling him back once he becomes too old and just isn’t cute anymore.

And no amount of Filipino orphan molesting will make David and Steve a family. If you knew anything about human biology or the English language, you would understand that already.

It’s wonderful that you have decided to set up an LGBTQYUAP advocacy group for Orthodox Jews funded by a bunch of angry Lesbian Reform Rabbis all named Lucy who like to play lacrosse on the Shabbat.

Any money they spend on your stupid organization is money that they won’t send to Hamas or Yeshivat Chovevei Torah.

There are Orthodox Jews who fuck other men in the ass. There are also Orthodox Jews who fuck women they aren’t married to and sheep they aren’t married to.

We have a name for them. Sinners.

As a religion that believes in G-d and the Torah, we ask sinners to repent. We don’t “accept them as they are”. That’s what Rabbi Lucy over in Beit Zona v’Halalah does. If you want a religion that doesn’t believe in G-d’s commandments, go to her.

If you want a religion that does, then stop asking it to violate G-d’s commandments in order to accommodate your screwed up son.

There are no gay families. There are no gay Orthodox Jews. There are only ass clowns with self-esteem issues trying to make everyone else accept them to drown out the voice of their conscience telling them that they’re doing the wrong thing. If you were a halfway decent mother, you would stop accepting your son and start expecting things from him. Like an actual family.

Stop trying to dump your failure as a mother on us. Don’t blame G-d for it either. He didn’t make your son gay. No one is forced to have lots of anal sex except prison inmates. He made a bad choice. So did you. Don’t expect us to enable either one of you.

With love and blessings

The Jewish 6 Towns Weekly Times Gazette

 

Neshama Carlebach: Still No Longer an Orthodox Jew

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“What that crazy white bitch doin?”

Not all of Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach’s songs were good, but  the surest way to ruin one of them was when he brought his daughter on to howl her “soulful white girl harmony” thing.

With Carlebach’s death, her career died too. It wasn’t just Kol Isha. If Neshama Carlebach had been genuinely talented, she could have done what she was doing anyway and succeeded at it.

But Neshama Carlebach sucked. She wasn’t the worst singer in the world. But there are ten thousand Jewish girls who can match her pathetic efforts. Take any random woman with four drinks in her trying out karaoke in a bar and you have Neshama’s “soulful” voice.

Without her father’s last name, she would have never had a career. Even with his last name, she couldn’t keep it.

And Neshama Carlebach wasn’t Orthodox. I don’t know why it took her this long to declare for Reform. Her anti-Israel politics and her level of observance was Reform all along. Maybe like Matisyahu she didn’t want to state the obvious because playing Orthodox gave her a certain amount of spiritual cred.

Or maybe she had so few people buying her albums that she was afraid of losing even a handful of them.

Neshama Carlebach has rebranded as Reform. Officially. She’s going Reform for the “spirituality”. Also there’s a whole new Jewish audience there that still doesn’t know how badly she sucks.

But that’s okay.

Reform Judaism’s idea of spiritual music is Baptist choirs. And that’s what Neshama Carlebach does these days. There will be plenty of Reform synagogues with audiences full of aging baby boomers there to listen to her do her white girl “soulful” singing while an actual black guy does the real singing.

Her father would be so proud. Not.

How To Make Your Chrismukkah Special

It’s that time of year again. Holiday Season. What holiday? Don’t ask too many questions. The devil is in the details, also on parts of Fifth Avenue and hanging around loitering suspiciously in the Wall Street area.

It’s that special Holiday time when families composed of a mommy and daddy who believe in different Gods (or more likely don’t believe in one at all) have to decide how many holidays they’re celebrating, in what order and why the Jews nailed Santa to a giant Menorah.

Sure they could have thought of this before they got married, but they were convinced it was going to be one of those simple little problems that could be solved with an affordable book from the STUPID LIFE DECISIONS section of the bookstore. And while there are no shortage of books, DVD’s and VCR instruction manuals on the subject… none of them get around the basic problem. Not even INTERMARRIAGE FOR DUMMIES or WORSHIPING DIFFERENT GODS TOGETHER FOR IDIOTS.

But we’re Americans. We want things solved quickly and we want them solved now. Like Iraq, or oil prices or TV dinners.

With that in mind, let’s harness the problem solving energy of an Iraqi TV dinner made out of Crude Oil with an IED stuck in the center… and solve this whole damn interfaith couple holiday celebration problem.

1. The Chanukah Bush

You’ve probably heard of the Chanukah Bush already. No it’s not what happens when George W. Bush lights a Menorah. It’s an attempt to combine an Ashera tree with a ceremony celebrating how the Jews drove the Greek Pagans out of the Temple. That’s right up there with trying to make a Black KKK. Sure you could do it, but it really misses the point.

But if you’re determined to degrade two sets of religious traditions in order to maintain the fiction that this whole mess is workable, here’s an easy guide to making your own Chanukah Bush.

First buy a Christmas Tree. Put lots of ornaments on it. Add a bunch of Menorah candles. Light them. Wait for the tree to begin burning. Try to put out the fire with a fire extinguisher. Stay close to the floor while crawling out of the nearest exit. Call the Fire Department. Collect your insurance money. Try to think of the experience as a metaphor for your marriage.

2. Talking to the Children

Sure you could go the circuitous route, but let’s cut to the chase. The best way to tell the children the truth is to be honest. Or we can just get it straight from the mouth of babes.

“Mommy and Daddy decided they loved each other more than God or their heritage, and so they got married. Except now Mommy calls Daddy a Kike, and Daddy calls Mommy a Shiksa, so that didn’t work out so well. Now at the end of every year we get a big batch of burned cookies shaped like Dreidels and Christmas Wreaths.”

3. Buy a Book

Everyone knows self-help books can surmount any problems. The Samurai Mohel recommends, Padre Rabbi Flannery O’Goldstein’s MOMMY IS A SHIKSA AND DADDY IS A KIKE. There are pop up pictures too, and an attached miniature fire extinguisher.

It doesn’t really matter because at 16 your kids will either become Zen Buddhists, Evangelical Christians, Orthodox Jews or Serial Killers. Or a few of those things at the same time. Don’t bother trying to fight it. It’s inevitable.

4. What the Hell Do We Do Now?

One of you could convert and repress your rage, while the other feels uncomfortable and begins to resent you right back. Or you could finally get that divorce you’ve been talking about. Or you could celebrate Festivus. Of course Festivus originated when a Seinfeld writer’s crazy father made them sit in the dark and traumatized them for hours, and like all childhood traumas eventually made for great comedy. You can also move to Easter Island, where every day is WORSHIP THE GIANT HEAD DAY.

5. I Don’t Have to Listen to This!

You’re right, you don’t. Close the page. It’s not that hard.

6. Judaism and Christianity are compatible.

Sure they are, just ask Rabbi Cardinal Shmuel Capistranno

7. I Wanted Useful Tips for an Interfaith Holiday

There is no such thing as an Interfaith Holiday. That’s an idea invented by marketing executives, just like using Holiday, instead of specifying which one you’re talking about.

Try telling someone you were born on a Holiday. Then when they keep asking you what Holiday, you keep repeating, HOLIDAY, WHAT ARE YOU DEAF?

There is no Chrismukkah or compatibility between Chanukah and Christmas except at the shopping mall where all holidays get rendered down into credit card debt and long lines. Chanukah and Christmas are not just traditions, they’re expressions of belief in two radically different visions and versions of history.

Christmas celebrates the birth of a deity the Jews supposedly killed, before the religion he spawned spread across the Greek and Roman world. Chanukah celebrates the Jews kicking the Greeks out of their country for trying to make them worship gods who were born, died and needed loincloths to cover up their embarrassing parts. Do you see the connection?

Chanukah and Christmas hate each other’s guts. If they were members of the same family, they would be in therapy. If you try to make your family celebrate both at the same time, you will be in therapy. Celebrating both at the same time is like trying to vote Democratic and Republican in one election. No matter how you try to make it work, eventually there will be a recount and your vote will only count once, if it’s even counted at all.

It’s possible to have an Atheist or Agnostic or Satanist family, but not an Interfaith family. If no single belief wins out, then what’s left is a big blank space.

20. What’s the Point of All This?

Suppose I have a Lexus and a Cadillac and I decide that they’re both such great cars that I want to drive them both at the same time. Now I’m obviously some kind of crazy rich Hillbilly, but that’s not the point. People try and tell me that I’m wrong, but I’m too drunk on moonshine to listen.

So I stick one foot in one car and one foot in the other. One hand in one car and one hand in the other. After a lot of acrobatics, I still can’t get either car started. Finally I decide that the only way to make my fantasy of a LexusCaddy come true, is by crashing one car into the other.

That’s exactly what I do. Two cars smash into each other in a crumpled mess of steel and leaking gasoline. Now I have an interfaith car.

Any questions? Direct them to Monsignor Rabbi Pierre Cohen at the Abbey of Our Lady of Perpetual Slivovitz. I’m done for for the evening.