Have you built an entire identity around being a victim? Are you compulsively unable to stop from rehashing every petty detail in your life and blaming it on someone else? Have you had an affair with a married man who stayed married even though he told you he was going to leave his wife and you like totally believed him because why would a guy who cheats on his wife lie to you anyway?


“Narcissist” comes from the Greek (Narcissus, or Spirit of the Self-Help Books Section). Narcissists are typically people with more self-esteem than you. Narcissists victimize their victims for life by having an affair with them and then moving on. This cripples their victims for life and leaves them unfit to do anything but write about the dangers of narcissism and long for the return of the Phil Donahue Show.

John Gray discovered the term “Narcissist” in 1684 while he was looking for more things that men and women do differently. Since then many Nobel Prize winning physicists have devoted years of their life to studying the issue and found nothing, because they were men, and men suck!

The NHS has recently declared a “Narcissism Epidemic” and warned everyone who’s stupid and whiny to stay indoors, and avoid sneezing near cat covered furniture.

There are easy ways to identify a Narcissist. A Narcissist in the early stages of a relationship is really into you. Then he seems less interested. This may be a sign that the relationship isn’t working out, OR IS THAT JUST WHAT THE NARCISSIST WANTS YOU TO THINK WHILE HE KEEPS PLAYING GAMES WITH YOUR MIND?

If you’re reading this, you already know the answer to that.

Also a Narcissist’s moods change. One day he can be angry, and another day he can be happy. Narcissists also often have noses, eyes and long evil mustaches which they twirl while muttering darkly about their plans to steal all the earth’s diamond reserves IN ORDER TO POWER THEIR NARCISSISM.

Narcissists can be anybody. A schoolteacher. A bus driver. A donut hole puncher. But they’re most likely to be someone you were in a bad relationship with, but was totally not your fault, CAUSE HE WAS A NARCISSIST. And he controlled your mind! And your thoughts! And your dreams! And your pastries!

The only way to break free of a Narcissist’s influence is to talk about him non-stop. Only by spending the next few decades going on about Narcissists, can you finally liberate yourself to have a healthy normal relationship with the pillow next to you in the old age home.

Some therapists will advise you to get on with your life instead. Avoid them because THEY ARE CLEARLY NARCISSISTS. Instead pick a therapist whose conversations with you will help her write a book about how women can identify Narcissists that Oprah might select for her book club. And then you’ll be on TV with her. And then you can write your own book. And won’t that be so much better than not having a crazy obsession that prevents you from living a normal life?