Shin Bet Arrests Yaakov Teitel for Killing Jesus

The Israeli Authorities have done it again with the arrest of Yaakov Teitel, charged with committing every single unsolved crime in Israel over the last 2000 years… by no particular coincidence in time for the big Rabinaversary.

Yaakov Teitel has been charged with a long string of unrelated crimes committed with entirely different weapons over 10 years with no connection between them, except that after getting the crap beaten out of him for three days, Yaakov Teitel confessed to them. It’s not clear where exactly Yaakov Teitel managed to get explosives training, how he managed to make getaways from half a dozen crime scenes or even more incredibly smuggle an assault rifle past both US and Israeli customs… but the indictment does say that he’s actually the Jewish RAMBO.

Shin Bet spokesman Ilan Sheker has assured reporters that this is not at all a case of the Shabak grabbing some random mentally unstable right winger on their list and beating the crap out of him until he confesses to a bunch of crimes that it would have taken a Jewish James Bond to commit all together. And then planting a ton of weapons in his house. Not at all. The Shin Bet actually officially stopped doing that last year.

This is a totally legitimate case. Like the time that the Shin Bet totally did not send a guy to keep taunting Yigal Amir with chants of “When are you gonna do something about Rabin”, and then put a totally unrelated girl in jail for not warning them about it! Or creating a fake Jewish terrorist organization and then airing an undercover news report about it! No more! The Shin Bet now makes up only completely true stuff.

Anyway no celebration of that guy who got shot and we all felt sorry about it, cause we called him a Nazi… except it turned out that it was actually a Shabak agent who was holding up a Nazi poster… oops… would be complete without the ceremonial arrest of the right wing extremist for every crime over the last 2000 years… including killing Jesus.

I know those Shabak guys are great and all, but here’s my proposal. How about arresting some of those guys currently holding Gilad Shalit. Yeah I know, that’s too tough. It requires actually going into enemy territory and doing your job. Much easier to grab some patsy, scream at him and knock him around for a few days, and then dictate to him every unsolved crime he can confess to… so it totally looks like you’re not a bunch of incompetent thugs.

Anyway we can all sleep at night now, because Yaakov Teitel has finally been brought to justice for pipe bombing gay arab Jesus with an M-16.