There Is No Such Thing as a Gay Family

Dear Eshel Idiot,

Thank you for your letter to the Jewish 6 Towns Weekly Times Gazette. We were gratified to hear that your darling son David is happily married and that you want the Orthodox Jewish community to be more open to committed LGBTQXYZ relationships like his.

We’re sorry to inform you that your son isn’t married. He lives with a roommate. The roommate sometimes fucks him in the ass.

(Or whatever. It’s not our business. We’re going to lunch after this and we’d rather not think about it.)

No amount of ass fucking will ever make your David pregnant. Not even if he gets his shmeckel cut off and starts wearing a dress. It won’t make his roommate pregnant either.

Eventually they’ll have to buy a Filipino orphan to molest and take pictures with at Disneyland before selling him back once he becomes too old and just isn’t cute anymore.

And no amount of Filipino orphan molesting will make David and Steve a family. If you knew anything about human biology or the English language, you would understand that already.

It’s wonderful that you have decided to set up an LGBTQYUAP advocacy group for Orthodox Jews funded by a bunch of angry Lesbian Reform Rabbis all named Lucy who like to play lacrosse on the Shabbat.

Any money they spend on your stupid organization is money that they won’t send to Hamas or Yeshivat Chovevei Torah.

There are Orthodox Jews who fuck other men in the ass. There are also Orthodox Jews who fuck women they aren’t married to and sheep they aren’t married to.

We have a name for them. Sinners.

As a religion that believes in G-d and the Torah, we ask sinners to repent. We don’t “accept them as they are”. That’s what Rabbi Lucy over in Beit Zona v’Halalah does. If you want a religion that doesn’t believe in G-d’s commandments, go to her.

If you want a religion that does, then stop asking it to violate G-d’s commandments in order to accommodate your screwed up son.

There are no gay families. There are no gay Orthodox Jews. There are only ass clowns with self-esteem issues trying to make everyone else accept them to drown out the voice of their conscience telling them that they’re doing the wrong thing. If you were a halfway decent mother, you would stop accepting your son and start expecting things from him. Like an actual family.

Stop trying to dump your failure as a mother on us. Don’t blame G-d for it either. He didn’t make your son gay. No one is forced to have lots of anal sex except prison inmates. He made a bad choice. So did you. Don’t expect us to enable either one of you.

With love and blessings

The Jewish 6 Towns Weekly Times Gazette

 

Yeshivat Chovevei Torah Rabbi Akiva Herzfeld: Celebrate Chanukah and Anal Sex

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Have yourself an anal sex Chanukah

“Rabbi” Akiva Herzfeld is a graduate of “Rabbi” Avi Weiss’ Yeshivat Chovevei Torah, a fake insane Orthodox seminary that dispenses with silly stuff like Halacha and Torah and Judaism for Marxism and anal sex.

According to Rabbi Akiva Herzfeld, a guy whose face looks like an anal sphincter, legal anal sex is like Chanukah.

The Jews had faith. They knew that God and justice were on their side in the battle against the Greeks. The Jews fought for their religious liberty, and this motivated them despite the odds against them.

The light of the menorah in the Temple in Jerusalem bore witness to the miraculous victory. The victorious Jews lit a small measure of pure oil in the Temple, and it burned for eight days

This Hanukkah, I celebrate the past and the present. With my very own eyes, I have seen a great miracle this year right here in Maine.

A small group of people, homosexuals and their supporters, stood up for their equal rights in marriage.

If Akiva Herzfeld had pried his face out from between another guy’s ass cheeks long enough to open a book, any book, even Dr. Seuss (Hubbard forbid that a graduate of Yeshivat Chovevei Torah should ever defile his cocaine stained hands with a Torah), he would have discovered that the faith of the Maccabees was in a religion that had the death penalty for butt sex.

And that they fought a Hellenic culture that was, like graduates of YCT, really into butt sex.

Also if Akiva had wandered down to tell the Maccabees while they were lighting the Menorah that they needed gay marriage, they would have set him on fire and there would have been no miracle because with all that slime oozing off him, he would have easily burned for eight days. (But the oil would have been impure.)

I am an ordained Orthodox rabbi. Orthodox Jews strictly observe the commandments of the Torah, the Hebrew Bible. Still, we should not impose our belief system on others and certainly should not discriminate against other human beings.

I have called and written letters to other Orthodox rabbis, asking them to support same-sex marriage rights in America, so that we do not discriminate against homosexuals.

1. You are not an Orthodox Rabbi. You are a Yeshivat Chovevei Torah grad. YCT makes Reform Judaism look good.

2. Orthodox Jews observe the commandments. The commandments include not leading someone else to stumble blindly by causing them to sin. A Rabbi endorsing gay marriage does just that.

3. This isn’t about non-discrimination. You are enthusiastically endorsing something that the Torah outlaws.

4. Stop lying

5. Become a Reform Rabbi. The hours are good and you get to spend lots of time singing with gospel choirs. You’re not going to change Orthodox Judaism into Reform Judaism.

Why? See Chanukah, The. You know how that ended. The good guys won. Your side lost. Your side always loses. Stop by a temple. Get all the legal anal sex you want. Carpe Diem it up.

Chanukah is about us celebrating the time we beat you. And a reminder that we’ll beat you again and again. (And not in the way that your gay club enjoys.)

“This Hanukkah as I light my menorah, I think of our modern battle that was won in Maine for equal rights.”

This Chanukah you defile a Menorah. Next Chanukah may the Jewish people be privileged to reclaim their temple and light a Menorah of pure oil.

Why Isn’t Hashem’s Name Mentioned in the Megillah?

One big difference between the Megillah and every other part of Tanach is that the Megillah was mass produced by non-Jewish scribes.

For the first time there was a risk that many copies would be thrown away or abused. Hashem’s name doesn’t appear in the Megillah for the same reason that we write G-d. An indirect reference to Hashem ran into a related problem. The scribes doing much of the writing were idolaters. A reference to a Creator would have been written with a different intention in mind. A Sofer takes great care before writing the name of Hashem to purify his intentions.

There was no possibility of pure intentions when writing the Megillah. To avoid a desecration of Hashem’s name in a document that is meant to serve as a consecration of Hashem’s name, the name was left out entirely.

The omission of Hashem’s name was an adaptation to a very modern problem that we deal with all the time.

Why I Love Christmas by Rabbi Morton B. Smelder

Why I Love Christmas

by Rabbi Morton B. Smelder

A lot of Jewish liberals are whining about Christmas and I am here to say “I Love Christmas”. That’s right. I love it. And if you think that’s a strange thing for a Rabbi to say, you’re probably a godless liberal.

Sure you might have seen a dozen other Rabbis write columns on how much they love Christmas. But a lot of Rabbis may say they love Christmas and get book deals from Evangelical Christians; but do they really love Christmas?

I love Christmas so much that every Hanukkah I light a Menorah made out of candy canes. That’s right candy canes! Do those other Rabbis do that? Ha! I thought so.

Do they love Christmas so much they go Christmas caroling? Well I did and in March too! People hurled heavy objects at me from their windows which is a sign of how persecuted religious believers have become under the ACLU.

Do these Rabbis love Christmas so much that they come to Synagogue on Yom Kippur dressed as Santa Claus? No they don’t, but I did and it took three police officers to get me out while I tried to deliver my sermon on Tesuvah as epitomized by Charles Dickens’  A Christmas Carol. There is no clearer example of the War on Christmas.

None of those Rabbis can compete with me in my unholy love for Christmas. They write about Irving Berlin and watching Mass with their family and singing Christmas carols in their church choir, but they are taking the Christ out of Christmas.

Some Jews will put a Christmas tree in their home and call it a Hanukkah Bush. I proudly call my Christmas tree, a Christmas tree and I will not tolerate any politically correct suppression of Christmas in my home.

As an Orthodox Jew growing up in a devout Christmas home, my father taught me about the importance of Christmas by running into my room in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve and beating me over the head with an iron saucepan wrapped in gift wrap while screeching the words to White Christmas in a loud falsetto voice.

I never found out why he did this since he was institutionalized soon after and committed suicide by hanging himself with a noose made out of Christmas decorations in the asylum, but it made a big impression on me. It showed me how much my father was willing to sacrifice so that his Jewish sons could celebrate Christmas. And it left me with minor Christmas skull fractures so that my mind wanders and I sometimes just talk and talk without realizing what I’m…

Every Christmas eve, my Orthodox family sat down to watch the Mass live from the Vatican while fingering our rosaries without any conflict with our Orthodox Judaism. Our joy that our god was born in the form of a baby in Bethlehem did not detract from our Jewishness in any way.

Singing Christmas carols did not make Brett Z. Smelder, my half-brother, any less Jewish. And when he married a Shiksa in a cathedral that also did not make him any less Jewish. And today when he stands outside synagogues with a sign that says”Jesus WARNED US rabbis are TEMPEL OF THE devil” does not make him any less Jewish.

Watching the Mass did not make my sister, Sister Mary Therese of Our Sisters of Perpetual Bedlam, any less Jewish. And it didn’t make me, Rabbi Morton B. Smedler, a Julliard trained Rabbi, who spends all his time lecturing Christians on the wonder of Christmas, any less Jewish.

Today I continue our proud family tradition by teaching my children, Brent, Lolita and our adopted son Kwan, about the importance of Christmas together with my wife Charlene who brings her family’s wonderful Christmas traditions into our home.

And that’s why I’m here to say that I love Christmas. I love Christmas more than my wife, more than my children and almost as much as my lucrative book deals.

Christmas is the only thing in life that means anything to me anymore. And when I gift wrap a saucepan and start hitting my son over the head in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve, I know that somewhere up there my father is looking down on me and wishing he could hit me over the head too.

Rabbi Morton B. Smelder is probably a Rabbi. No one is sure. He says he is and that’s good enough for us. Rabbi Smelder is the author of 300 inspirational books including, “Greed is Godly: Capitalism is Divine”, “I Love Christmas”, “Down with Chanukah”, “Ham Soup for the Soul” and “Kosher Prostitution”.

If you want to read more of Rabbi Morton B. Smelder take a good look in the mirror because something is probably wrong with you.

Neshama Carlebach: Still No Longer an Orthodox Jew

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“What that crazy white bitch doin?”

Not all of Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach’s songs were good, but  the surest way to ruin one of them was when he brought his daughter on to howl her “soulful white girl harmony” thing.

With Carlebach’s death, her career died too. It wasn’t just Kol Isha. If Neshama Carlebach had been genuinely talented, she could have done what she was doing anyway and succeeded at it.

But Neshama Carlebach sucked. She wasn’t the worst singer in the world. But there are ten thousand Jewish girls who can match her pathetic efforts. Take any random woman with four drinks in her trying out karaoke in a bar and you have Neshama’s “soulful” voice.

Without her father’s last name, she would have never had a career. Even with his last name, she couldn’t keep it.

And Neshama Carlebach wasn’t Orthodox. I don’t know why it took her this long to declare for Reform. Her anti-Israel politics and her level of observance was Reform all along. Maybe like Matisyahu she didn’t want to state the obvious because playing Orthodox gave her a certain amount of spiritual cred.

Or maybe she had so few people buying her albums that she was afraid of losing even a handful of them.

Neshama Carlebach has rebranded as Reform. Officially. She’s going Reform for the “spirituality”. Also there’s a whole new Jewish audience there that still doesn’t know how badly she sucks.

But that’s okay.

Reform Judaism’s idea of spiritual music is Baptist choirs. And that’s what Neshama Carlebach does these days. There will be plenty of Reform synagogues with audiences full of aging baby boomers there to listen to her do her white girl “soulful” singing while an actual black guy does the real singing.

Her father would be so proud. Not.

…Out Of My Warm Charred Hands

Millions of Americans have sex with light sockets every year. There’s a very simple reason for this. The light socket industry wants them to.

Hardly a day goes by when we don’t hear another tragic tale about a young man yanking down his pants and trying to copulate with a light socket. Some blame Hollywood for making light socket sex seem so attractive. Others are calling for a ban on light sockets.

“No one ever said that having a light socket was a civil right,” said Mandy Gorbachev, the founder of Moms Against Bullying LGBT Whales. “When the Constitution was made up, no one even had light sockets or even lights.”

“The Founders may not have had light sockets,” bellowed Barry Burnbiter, of Burn Down America, while brandishing an oil lamp, “but they had light making appatus which they clearly wanted us to use. Light sockets don’t have sex with people. People have sex with light sockets. It’s a choice.”

“A horrible terrible choice that sometimes ends in electrocution and death,” screamed Panse Miers, a disgraced British newspaper editor banished to America for publishing photoshopped photos of Prince Charles having sex with a lightbulb socket. “I can’t sexually abuse my children in a country where having sex with Prince Charles is legal.”

The debate is continuing with everyone screaming at the top of their lungs on every channel. Sometimes these debates are interrupted by reports that another teenager died having sex with a light socket. Experts insist that they have no idea where the teens get the idea that it’s cool to have sex with light sockets. People who aren’t allowed on the news however have suggested that it might be the news.

Alley Wannabase, star of hit film, “Sex With Light Sockets is Sexy Hot” has appeared in a video, “Demand a Ban”, demanding that light sockets be banned. When asked about the contradiction, Alley said that light socket sex in movies is just a fantasy and shouldn’t be confused with people having sex with light sockets in real life.

America’s Big Bulb, Bazooka Ogawa challenged the light bulb socket industry to agree to restrictions including locks on all light sockets and background checks of anyone buying a lamp complete with a ten day waiting period.

Second-in-Command, Bongo Stevenson said that anyone who needed to have sex with more than one light socket at a time wasn’t a real man.

The threat of a lamp ban sent customers into every Sears and Target in the country clearing lamps, lava lamps and even rodeo saddles off every discount store shelf in the country.

Unfortunately a Senate bill to ban anyone from owning more than one lamp has already died in committee.

An appalled Melinda Gorbachev, who has no children but has seen many pictures of them and one day plans to adopt one from China, condemned Congress for being in thrall to Big Lamps and has vowed to redouble her efforts to keep lamps out of the hands of people.

For Christmas, Dennis Prager is Going as the Dumbest Man Alive

It’s that time of year again. The time when stores play sexy gospel choir versions of Jingle Bells on a loop, tinsel is draped over cheap crap and the most repugnant Jews to be found outside of a porn convention write essays about how much they love Christmas.

I never know why people take Dennis Prager seriously. It has to be some kind of joke that Christians are playing on Jews by picking the dumbest Jew they could find and pretending that he’s a thinker.

Prager doesn’t think. He’s Chauncey Gardiner. A well meaning but dimwitted man who says pleasant things that are as deep as a greeting card. Usually it’s inoffensive. Prager is a Jewish Bill Cosby, the sitcom version not the real life version. If your grandma would knit it on a sampler, Prager is capable of expressing it. If there’s a dumb idea most people carry around, Prager will barf it up. The trouble is that Prager’s brand is Jewishness and he’s as Jewish as a ham sandwich on rye.

Being Chauncey, Prager can’t help but join the herd and write an article about how much he loves Christmas. And being an ass who trades on his Jewish roots to Christians, the damn thing is titled, “Why this Yeshiva Boy loves Christmas.”

Young Prager was in Morocco when he realized that he missed Christmas. A smart man would put that down to a generalized homesickness for all things American. But Prager spent years “thinking” about this phenomenon and coming to “conclusions”.

Growing up in an Orthodox Jewish home and in yeshivas (Orthodox religious schools where half the day was devoted to religious, and half the day to secular, studies), I had, of course, never celebrated Christmas. How, then, could I miss something that I had never had? How could I, raised in an Orthodox Jewish world, miss the quintessential Christian holiday?

I subsequently spent a lot of time reflecting on why this yeshiva boy would miss the Christmas season.

Answer 1. You’re homesick

Answer 2. You’re a bad Jew

But Young Prager could have been excused on 2 for being young. Old Prager has no such excuse. He’s just a bad Jew.

I came to two life-changing realizations.

Dennis Prager uses “life-changing realizations” the way other people yawn. Every damn thing is a life-changing realization for him.

“Honey, we’re out of raspberry yogurt. And that’s a life-changing realization because why are we so driven to need yogurt. What is yogurt anyway? And where do we go when we die? Will there be yogurt there?”

First, though my yeshiva world did everything possible to ignore Christmas — we had school on Christmas Day, and we had a “midwinter vacation” at the end of January instead of a Christmas vacation — I really liked the Christmas season.

Being a bad Jew is a life-changing realization, but Prager is not aware that he’s a bad Jew. So there is no life-changing realization.

He’s the teenager who realizes he likes ham and wants to keep on eating it, but doesn’t understand the implications of that.

My world in New York had consisted of an Orthodox home, Orthodox synagogue, Orthodox yeshiva, and Orthodox friends. In that world, one’s American identity was never denigrated, but it was largely ignored. And Christianity was entirely ignored (though it was an annual ritual in my home to watch the midnight Mass from Rome).

Dude, if your home had an annual tradition of watching the mass from Rome you were not Orthodox.

And what the hell does watching the mass from Rome have to do with an American identity? Most protestants in 1923 would say you were less American for it.

Until I was in college, my contact with Christianity was almost nonexistent — except for Christmas decorations and Christmas music. Morocco made me realize that I missed something Christian and that I felt profoundly American.

And that’s the point where you should have just converted and gotten it over with.

Also Americans don’t talk about feeling profoundly American. Anyone who talks like that is an immigrant who thinks that he feels profoundly American every time he goes to watch the fireworks go off on the Fourth.

As the years passed, I came to treasure this season and to fall in love with America and its distinctive values (what I call the American Trinity: Liberty, In God We Trust, and E Pluribus Unum). While director of a Jewish institution from 1978 to 1983, I volunteered to be Santa Claus for the Simi Valley Rotary Club, of which I was a member. So, during the same week that I led Sabbath services and study for about a thousand Jews, I also went to my Rotary Club meeting (what is more American than the Rotary Club?), and I was the Santa Claus for a local department store.

I’m not sure but I think this is why we used to have stonings. But you can’t stone a man whose head is already an impenetrable rock.

It is that season now, and I never fail to get goose bumps when I hear Burl Ives sing “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas,” let alone when I attend a performance of Handel’s Messiah, surely the greatest religious music ever composed. I love hearing people wish each other “Merry Christmas.” When my Jewish-day-school-attending children were young, I used to take them to see homes that had particularly beautiful Christmas lights.

Confessions of a shallow man #123.

Prager thinks this is meaningful when it’s just embarrassing. There’s no larger message here except that Prager’s parents failed to pass down their religion to their son and their son is failing to pass it down to his children. It’s the quintessential failure of American Liberal Jews on display here.

And yes despite Dennis Prager getting a candy cane in his pants for Christmas, he’s still a Liberal Jew and a secularist who is too dumb to realize these “life changing realizations”.

Those who wish to remove Christmas trees from banks and colleges and other places where Americans gather are not only attempting to rob the 90 percent of Americans who celebrate Christmas of their holiday, they are robbing this Jew, too.

This Jew has already been robbed of his Jewishness. There’s nothing left to rob him of but his lame adoration of the secularized trappings of a Christian holiday.

And I first realized all this in a Muslim country.

And somewhere in Milwaukee, a Jew from Morocco realized that he really does miss the sound of the Muslim Call to Prayer.