Reconstructionist Judaism to Ordain Squirrels as Rabbis



“With this step forward, Reconstructionist Judaism sets out to right a historic wrong,” said Rabbi Willow Tambourine, the President of the Reconstructionist Rabbinical College of Unraveled Judaism.

And then she placed both hands on the head of a squirrel marking the ordination of the first Squirrel Rabbi.

Reconstructionist Judaism had previously ordained men, women, gay men, gay women, non-Jews, non-Jewish gay women, homeless people wandering in to use the bathroom at the rabbinical college, a table, three chairs and a bottle of wine as Rabbis.

“There are some reactionary elements in our movement who resisted the ordination of Rabbi Nut Clover,” Willow Tambourine said, her voice becoming heated at the injustice. “Was it because Rabbi Nut Clover is a female squirrel? Is it because she’s a transgender squirrel, or at least that’s her current gender identity after I had to castrate her when I found out she was male? Was it because of an Islamophobic reaction to the tiny Keffiyeh I knitted for her?”

“I don’t know,” Rabbi Willow Tambourine argues, her voice growing heated. “But I knew in my heart that this bigotry couldn’t be allowed to continue any longer.”

Rabbi Nut Squirrel is the first, but not the last animal Reconstructionist Rabbi. Reconstructionist congregants are clamoring to ordain their cats. And the graduating class of SHTUSS – The Reconstructionist Rabbinical College’s New Mexico division includes an alligator and three mice who were caught in cafeteria glue traps and then sentenced to a course of study.

“Reconstructionist Judaism is always moving forward,” Rabbi Wilcox Mushroom said. Rabbi Mushroom is a tour guide who has his own YouTube channel and conducts weekly Rosh Hashana services in a sacred Navajo tree.

“Reform Judaism keeps trying to catch up to our progress, but we’re always progressing beyond it. Because we’ve tapped into the power of the cosmos,” said Rabbi Mushroom, tapping his head. “After squirrels we’re going to ordain stars and then black holes. And then the entire Planet Earth.”

“Just think of it,” said Rabbi Tambourine, who blogs at Willow Rabbinics and works part time at an organic coffee chain. “The Earth Goddess herself will be our ultimate Rabbi. And she will be a beautiful transgender planet womyn whom we will all worship. Just like me.”

One challenge facing Reconstructionist Judaism’s future Rabbis is its shortage of congregations. While there are only thirteen Reconstructionist synagogues, four of them in Berkeley and one in Gaza, and only 386 identified Reconstructionist Jews living in the United States, there are 385 Reconstructionist Rabbis.”

But Rabbi Mushroom views that plurality of Rabbis, some of whom don’t even know they’ve been ordained, as an affirmation of the movement that he claims to lead, pending outcome of several lawsuits in Rhode Island State Court and the International Criminal Court.

“Other movements have too few Rabbis. We have too many Rabbis. Everyone can be a Reconstructionist Rabbi. Everyone can be a Reconstructionist Jew. Every day I walk down the street with my magic Navajo spirit stick pointing at people and ordaining them Reconstructionist Rabbis. On my last vacation, I ordained half of Mexico.”

Rabbi Nut Clover offered no comment when interviewed about her status as the future of Reconstructionist Judaism. Instead s/he bit Rabbi Willow Tambourine’s finger. Rabbi Tambourine angrily accused her of being a right-wing Zionist extremist.

Rabbis Condemn Disgusting Murder by Jewish Zealot

Rabbis Condemn Disgusting Murder by Jewish Zealot

Jews everywhere are reeling from a disgusting murder committed by a Jewish extremist fighting what he believed was immorality.

“He just went after them and killed both of them,” Mimri bat Shaul, the sister of the deceased man said. “His intolerance led to the murder of my brother and his girlfriend. And it must stop. We must teach our children.”

Rabbis and Jewish leaders everywhere condemned the crime by Pinchas, who some have alleged was bitter at not having been made a Kohen.

“I don’t know where this troubled man got the idea that you can just kill someone committing an abomination in the eyes of God,” said Rabbi Hertzlich. “It certainly isn’t found anywhere in the Torah.”

Rabbi Hertzlich had visited Zimri in the hospital before he expired and spoke of holding the dying man’s hand.

“Whatever some have alleged, this man was a prince of Israel from a very nice family. Maybe he made a mistake, but who are we to judge? We are called on to love each other all the time.”

Other Jewish leaders expressed concern that the murder of a Midaanite princess would harm Israel in the eyes of the world and lead to a conflict with Midaan.

“What happens if the Midaanites attack us?” asked Baal Keri. “We need to send a diplomatic delegation to Midaan apologizing for our actions and offering them reparations and the promise that Pinchas will be punished.”

Some Jewish leaders used stronger words.

“We must vomit up this hatred from our midst,” Shaul, Zimri’s father, warned. “There can be no room in Judaism for intolerance. That is why we must find whoever gave this Pinchas his twisted ideas and drive him out of the Jewish people. Even if it goes right up to Moshe.”

Rabbi Hertzlich agreed that there was no room in Judaism for hatred. “That is why I am so deeply troubled by the reports that Moshe actually made Pinchas a Kohen. It sends the wrong message about our religion. I don’t know who this Hashem person is, but it’s time that He stopped perverting Judaism.”


Jewish Leaders Condemn Horrific Murder of Egyptian Babies

Shock and horror filled leaders of the Jewish community in the first hours after they learned that every single Egyptian first-born, including the infants, had been struck down at midnight.

“I don’t have the words to describe this crime,” said Machla Chalerya-Goldberg. “What happened makes me ashamed to be Jewish.”

While leading Jewish leaders from among the elders admitted that they had been involved in a dispute with the Egyptian government over centuries of slavery, none of them had ever wanted it to come to bloodshed.

“Just because they murdered our children, we should be happy that their children were killed?” asked Rabbi Hertzlich. “That is un-Jewish thinking. Now some of our people, chalila, are going into the homes of grieving families and shaking them down for their expensive jewelery as payment for our labor. Where were these animals raised?”

Instead Jewish leaders are taking up a collection for the grieving Egyptian families. Some of the money will be used to repair many of the idols that fell down during the horror that it being described as the final plague.

“Some people are actually happy about this atrocity,” Machla Chalerya-Goldberg said. “I don’t see anything Jewish about them. Formerly I wanted to leave slavery in Egypt, but now I have decided to stay and help the Egyptians rebuild rather than participate in some imperialistic journey into the desert to conquer and kill other people.”

“This tragedy has caused me to realize that my real home is here in Egypt. I call on all the Jews ungratefully leaving to appoint a new leader, turn around and return to Cairo.”

Rabbi Hertzlich refused to go that far. “I am willing to go along on this Exodus, but we must begin a dialogue with this Hashem person about acceptable and unacceptable tactics. I always wanted this liberation to be a non-violent protest movement. And now I’m worried about what He has in mind for Canaan. After all our suffering as Jews, we should be sensitive to the plight of the Jebusites and the many other people of Canaan. What good will it be if we leave slavery in Egypt only to enslave others in Canaan?”

While Rabbi Hertzlich packs for the trip into the desert, Machla Chalerya-Goldberg has organized a brigade of volunteers to begin rebuilding the pyramids.

Exclusive Interview With Jeffrey Goldberg About the Taste of Obama’s Cock

Samurai Mohel: I feel incredibly lucky and honored to be able to do this interview with you. You have always been a hero of mine and your work lately has been nothing short of incredible. Could you tell my readers a few things about yourself?

Jeffrey Goldberg: Okay, my name is Jeffrey Goldberg. I’m a lot like Thomas Friedman but without the mustache. I get paid a lot of money to go to cocktail parties and repeat back the things people say at them in my columns.

Samurai Mohel: That’s just amazing. It’s fantastic. Can I ask you a question?

Jeffrey Goldberg: May I.

Samurai Mohel: You’re absolutely right. May I ask you a question?

Jeffrey Goldberg: You can

Samurai Mohel: What does Obama’s cock taste like?

Jeffrey Goldberg: Very Jewish.

Samurai Mohel: Really?

Jeffrey Goldberg: I have never felt more Jewish than when I am going down on Barack Obama.

Samurai Mohel: Are you sure? Even at your Bar Mitzvah?

Jeffrey Goldberg: When I go down on Obama, I feel like I’m also going down on all his Jewish mentors who have influenced him and the Jews around him. So many Jews have sucked his cock over time that it’s practically Jewish.

Samurai Mohel: But aren’t you limiting the universalism of Obama’s cock when you put it like that?

Jeffrey Goldberg: No, because to me the taste of Jewish cock is the most universal taste possible. When I taste Obama’s cock, I’m also tasting my idea of a pantheistic Judaism that is not hedged in by limitations. Obama’s cock is the fight against segregation, it’s the end of apartheid and gay marriage. Everything Jewish to me is inside Obama’s cock.

Samurai Mohel: Still aren’t you being a bit tribal?

Jeffrey Goldberg: Tribal Jews are like Sheldon Adelson. They reject the universalism of Obama’s cock because they fear its otherness and the otherness of Hamas. Obama’s cock helps me break through barriers. And breaking through barriers is the essence of real Judaism.

Samurai Mohel: There are critics in the Jewish community who feel that you shouldn’t be sucking Obama’s cock.

Jeffrey Goldberg: Mhhm

Samurai Mohel: What do you say to them?

Jeffrey Goldberg: We live in a modern society. This is not some ghetto shtetl. They have to adapt to the modern world.

Samurai Mohel: They have to suck Obama’s cock?

Jeffrey Goldberg: I’m not going to tell them what to do. But they have to look at their kids. Their kids want it. Do they want to relate to their kids or not? There’s a new generation of Jews that aren’t interested in synagogues, but in Obama’s cock. How are you going to get them inside a synagogue except through Obama’s cock?

Samurai Mohel: Aren’t you ever worried about catching a disease? I don’t want to seem prejudiced or anything, but Obama really gets around. There are people sucking his cock from New York City to San Francisco to Tehran to Gaza.

Jeffrey Goldberg: We don’t live in a “safe” world. We take risks every day.

Samurai Mohel: And you feel that Israel should take a risk for peace by going down on Obama?

Jeffrey Goldberg: Unfortunately this Israel government has been stubborn about it.

Samurai Mohel: Netanyahu won’t do it?

Jeffrey Goldberg: He refuses and his refusal is alienating Israel from American Jews. How do I explain to my teenager why the Prime Minister of Israel refuses to suck Obama’s cock?

Samurai Mohel: Do you think Herzog would have been willing?

Jeffrey Goldberg: He told me personally how eager he was.

Samurai Mohel: Livni?

Jeffrey Goldberg: In a second.

Samurai Mohel: Yair Lapid?

Jeffrey Goldberg: Nothing new for him.

Samurai Mohel: Do you anticipate Israel finally getting a Prime Minister who will suck Obama’s cock?

Jeffrey Goldberg: I hope not. If that happens, Obama won’t need me anymore.

There Is No Such Thing as a Gay Family

Dear Eshel Idiot,

Thank you for your letter to the Jewish 6 Towns Weekly Times Gazette. We were gratified to hear that your darling son David is happily married and that you want the Orthodox Jewish community to be more open to committed LGBTQXYZ relationships like his.

We’re sorry to inform you that your son isn’t married. He lives with a roommate. The roommate sometimes fucks him in the ass.

(Or whatever. It’s not our business. We’re going to lunch after this and we’d rather not think about it.)

No amount of ass fucking will ever make your David pregnant. Not even if he gets his shmeckel cut off and starts wearing a dress. It won’t make his roommate pregnant either.

Eventually they’ll have to buy a Filipino orphan to molest and take pictures with at Disneyland before selling him back once he becomes too old and just isn’t cute anymore.

And no amount of Filipino orphan molesting will make David and Steve a family. If you knew anything about human biology or the English language, you would understand that already.

It’s wonderful that you have decided to set up an LGBTQYUAP advocacy group for Orthodox Jews funded by a bunch of angry Lesbian Reform Rabbis all named Lucy who like to play lacrosse on the Shabbat.

Any money they spend on your stupid organization is money that they won’t send to Hamas or Yeshivat Chovevei Torah.

There are Orthodox Jews who fuck other men in the ass. There are also Orthodox Jews who fuck women they aren’t married to and sheep they aren’t married to.

We have a name for them. Sinners.

As a religion that believes in G-d and the Torah, we ask sinners to repent. We don’t “accept them as they are”. That’s what Rabbi Lucy over in Beit Zona v’Halalah does. If you want a religion that doesn’t believe in G-d’s commandments, go to her.

If you want a religion that does, then stop asking it to violate G-d’s commandments in order to accommodate your screwed up son.

There are no gay families. There are no gay Orthodox Jews. There are only ass clowns with self-esteem issues trying to make everyone else accept them to drown out the voice of their conscience telling them that they’re doing the wrong thing. If you were a halfway decent mother, you would stop accepting your son and start expecting things from him. Like an actual family.

Stop trying to dump your failure as a mother on us. Don’t blame G-d for it either. He didn’t make your son gay. No one is forced to have lots of anal sex except prison inmates. He made a bad choice. So did you. Don’t expect us to enable either one of you.

With love and blessings

The Jewish 6 Towns Weekly Times Gazette


Yeshivat Chovevei Torah Rabbi Akiva Herzfeld: Celebrate Chanukah and Anal Sex

anal sex

Have yourself an anal sex Chanukah

“Rabbi” Akiva Herzfeld is a graduate of “Rabbi” Avi Weiss’ Yeshivat Chovevei Torah, a fake insane Orthodox seminary that dispenses with silly stuff like Halacha and Torah and Judaism for Marxism and anal sex.

According to Rabbi Akiva Herzfeld, a guy whose face looks like an anal sphincter, legal anal sex is like Chanukah.

The Jews had faith. They knew that God and justice were on their side in the battle against the Greeks. The Jews fought for their religious liberty, and this motivated them despite the odds against them.

The light of the menorah in the Temple in Jerusalem bore witness to the miraculous victory. The victorious Jews lit a small measure of pure oil in the Temple, and it burned for eight days

This Hanukkah, I celebrate the past and the present. With my very own eyes, I have seen a great miracle this year right here in Maine.

A small group of people, homosexuals and their supporters, stood up for their equal rights in marriage.

If Akiva Herzfeld had pried his face out from between another guy’s ass cheeks long enough to open a book, any book, even Dr. Seuss (Hubbard forbid that a graduate of Yeshivat Chovevei Torah should ever defile his cocaine stained hands with a Torah), he would have discovered that the faith of the Maccabees was in a religion that had the death penalty for butt sex.

And that they fought a Hellenic culture that was, like graduates of YCT, really into butt sex.

Also if Akiva had wandered down to tell the Maccabees while they were lighting the Menorah that they needed gay marriage, they would have set him on fire and there would have been no miracle because with all that slime oozing off him, he would have easily burned for eight days. (But the oil would have been impure.)

I am an ordained Orthodox rabbi. Orthodox Jews strictly observe the commandments of the Torah, the Hebrew Bible. Still, we should not impose our belief system on others and certainly should not discriminate against other human beings.

I have called and written letters to other Orthodox rabbis, asking them to support same-sex marriage rights in America, so that we do not discriminate against homosexuals.

1. You are not an Orthodox Rabbi. You are a Yeshivat Chovevei Torah grad. YCT makes Reform Judaism look good.

2. Orthodox Jews observe the commandments. The commandments include not leading someone else to stumble blindly by causing them to sin. A Rabbi endorsing gay marriage does just that.

3. This isn’t about non-discrimination. You are enthusiastically endorsing something that the Torah outlaws.

4. Stop lying

5. Become a Reform Rabbi. The hours are good and you get to spend lots of time singing with gospel choirs. You’re not going to change Orthodox Judaism into Reform Judaism.

Why? See Chanukah, The. You know how that ended. The good guys won. Your side lost. Your side always loses. Stop by a temple. Get all the legal anal sex you want. Carpe Diem it up.

Chanukah is about us celebrating the time we beat you. And a reminder that we’ll beat you again and again. (And not in the way that your gay club enjoys.)

“This Hanukkah as I light my menorah, I think of our modern battle that was won in Maine for equal rights.”

This Chanukah you defile a Menorah. Next Chanukah may the Jewish people be privileged to reclaim their temple and light a Menorah of pure oil.

Why Isn’t Hashem’s Name Mentioned in the Megillah?

One big difference between the Megillah and every other part of Tanach is that the Megillah was mass produced by non-Jewish scribes.

For the first time there was a risk that many copies would be thrown away or abused. Hashem’s name doesn’t appear in the Megillah for the same reason that we write G-d. An indirect reference to Hashem ran into a related problem. The scribes doing much of the writing were idolaters. A reference to a Creator would have been written with a different intention in mind. A Sofer takes great care before writing the name of Hashem to purify his intentions.

There was no possibility of pure intentions when writing the Megillah. To avoid a desecration of Hashem’s name in a document that is meant to serve as a consecration of Hashem’s name, the name was left out entirely.

The omission of Hashem’s name was an adaptation to a very modern problem that we deal with all the time.

Why I Love Christmas by Rabbi Morton B. Smelder

Why I Love Christmas

by Rabbi Morton B. Smelder

A lot of Jewish liberals are whining about Christmas and I am here to say “I Love Christmas”. That’s right. I love it. And if you think that’s a strange thing for a Rabbi to say, you’re probably a godless liberal.

Sure you might have seen a dozen other Rabbis write columns on how much they love Christmas. But a lot of Rabbis may say they love Christmas and get book deals from Evangelical Christians; but do they really love Christmas?

I love Christmas so much that every Hanukkah I light a Menorah made out of candy canes. That’s right candy canes! Do those other Rabbis do that? Ha! I thought so.

Do they love Christmas so much they go Christmas caroling? Well I did and in March too! People hurled heavy objects at me from their windows which is a sign of how persecuted religious believers have become under the ACLU.

Do these Rabbis love Christmas so much that they come to Synagogue on Yom Kippur dressed as Santa Claus? No they don’t, but I did and it took three police officers to get me out while I tried to deliver my sermon on Tesuvah as epitomized by Charles Dickens’  A Christmas Carol. There is no clearer example of the War on Christmas.

None of those Rabbis can compete with me in my unholy love for Christmas. They write about Irving Berlin and watching Mass with their family and singing Christmas carols in their church choir, but they are taking the Christ out of Christmas.

Some Jews will put a Christmas tree in their home and call it a Hanukkah Bush. I proudly call my Christmas tree, a Christmas tree and I will not tolerate any politically correct suppression of Christmas in my home.

As an Orthodox Jew growing up in a devout Christmas home, my father taught me about the importance of Christmas by running into my room in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve and beating me over the head with an iron saucepan wrapped in gift wrap while screeching the words to White Christmas in a loud falsetto voice.

I never found out why he did this since he was institutionalized soon after and committed suicide by hanging himself with a noose made out of Christmas decorations in the asylum, but it made a big impression on me. It showed me how much my father was willing to sacrifice so that his Jewish sons could celebrate Christmas. And it left me with minor Christmas skull fractures so that my mind wanders and I sometimes just talk and talk without realizing what I’m…

Every Christmas eve, my Orthodox family sat down to watch the Mass live from the Vatican while fingering our rosaries without any conflict with our Orthodox Judaism. Our joy that our god was born in the form of a baby in Bethlehem did not detract from our Jewishness in any way.

Singing Christmas carols did not make Brett Z. Smelder, my half-brother, any less Jewish. And when he married a Shiksa in a cathedral that also did not make him any less Jewish. And today when he stands outside synagogues with a sign that says”Jesus WARNED US rabbis are TEMPEL OF THE devil” does not make him any less Jewish.

Watching the Mass did not make my sister, Sister Mary Therese of Our Sisters of Perpetual Bedlam, any less Jewish. And it didn’t make me, Rabbi Morton B. Smedler, a Julliard trained Rabbi, who spends all his time lecturing Christians on the wonder of Christmas, any less Jewish.

Today I continue our proud family tradition by teaching my children, Brent, Lolita and our adopted son Kwan, about the importance of Christmas together with my wife Charlene who brings her family’s wonderful Christmas traditions into our home.

And that’s why I’m here to say that I love Christmas. I love Christmas more than my wife, more than my children and almost as much as my lucrative book deals.

Christmas is the only thing in life that means anything to me anymore. And when I gift wrap a saucepan and start hitting my son over the head in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve, I know that somewhere up there my father is looking down on me and wishing he could hit me over the head too.

Rabbi Morton B. Smelder is probably a Rabbi. No one is sure. He says he is and that’s good enough for us. Rabbi Smelder is the author of 300 inspirational books including, “Greed is Godly: Capitalism is Divine”, “I Love Christmas”, “Down with Chanukah”, “Ham Soup for the Soul” and “Kosher Prostitution”.

If you want to read more of Rabbi Morton B. Smelder take a good look in the mirror because something is probably wrong with you.