Stop Creeping People Out and You Won’t Get Beaten Up

It always works. First there’s a gay pride parade and then the gays begin whining about violence against them. Whether it’s in New York, LA or Jerusalem, it’s always the same damn thing. “Here, let me dress up as Satan in assless chaps and pretend to wank my boyfriend on a float in the middle of the city” and then it’s “WHY ARE PEOPLE SO INTOLERANT AND HOMOPHOBIC?? WHY??”

Here’s a thought, maybe people wouldn’t be so intolerant and homophobic if you didn’t insist on going out looking to provoke them. Normal people don’t run sexually explicit parades through gay areas. Hell even when normal people just have kids, gays begin sneering about “Breeders”. But of course we’re not supposed to talk about how bigoted gays are, just like we’re not supposed to talk about gay violence and gay sexual assaults against normal people.

Gay pride parades have nothing in common with normal parades. St. Patrick’s Day doesn’t celebrate people having sex with each other. Neither does anybody else’s parade. The obvious message from Gay Pride Parades is gay identity is nothing more than male bathhouse sex with more colorful costumes. It puts the worst behavior gays can imagine on display to the public and then gays scream and whine, when attacks happen on them afterward by some of the 90 percent of the population who don’t appreciate a parade consisting of a celebration of public fornication by people whose stepfather molested them a few too many times growing up and who still haven’t gotten over it.

Like most people I’m not out to stone you with big rocks. Hell most of the time I don’t even care about you. Not even when you’re humming showtunes in line at the post office while prancing around like you’re Britney Spears. So of course naturally you work hard to provoke the most intolerant reactions around, so you can then whine about it and turn that guy who got beaten up on the bus into some sort of martyr for gay rights.

Let’s get it straight, creeping us out is not going to make us tolerate you. Annoying us and whining isn’t going to make us tolerate you. We tolerate people best when they leave us the hell alone. Yes we find you disgusting and always will. That doesn’t mean we can’t share a planet, it means that we don’t want to know about what you do and we’ll all be happier that way.

If you can’t think of anything more to be proud of than gay sex, you’ve got a bigger problem than “intolerance”, because your whole ridiculous identity is built on which hole you and your “partner” Sergio use. And that’s not an identity, it’s an identity crisis.

Your problem isn’t us, it’s yourselves. You want us to accept you so badly, because you haven’t accepted yourselves. And that’s what Gay Pride is really about. It’s your attempt to deal with your own self-hatred and discomfort with what you do by parading it in public under a rainbow flag. Well I got news for you. It isn’t going to make you feel better about it and it sure as hell isn’t going to make us feel better about it.

I don’t need to throw a parade to celebrate liking women. Liking women is its own parade. But if I couldn’t accept liking women, then sure I might need to throw a parade and demand constant affirmation from everyone else. Gay Pride Parades aren’t parades, they’re giant rainbow colored tantrums thrown by overgrown pleasure seeking babies still looking to be told that their disgusting lifestyle is okay.

If you can’t screw each other without throwing a parade to feel good about it, maybe it’s time to put away the dancing shoes and just join the Catholic Church like you used to.

And if you don’t believe me, you can get the same story from The Onion.

I’m the Hatzalah Man

I’ve got a siren in my car
and a walkie on my belt
I can speed whenever I need
and be mechalel shabbos when I please
I’m special
I’m different
I’m the Hatzalah man
I’m the Hatzalah man

It’s the middle of Mincha when my belt begins to speak
Everyone’s davening can go on hold
I may have to go out on a call
1234 Fake Street
Boro Park is turning blue
Watch me answer it
watch me answer it
I’m the Hatzalah man
I’m the Hatzalah man

Secular boys may play with police toys
and dream of being cops one day
but for the frum kids that option’s foreclosed
the closest thing that exists is me
Go anywhere people are dying
You’re either me or just another Kollel fool
I’m the Hatzalah man
I’m the Hatzalah man

Watch the kiddies gather around
and ask to hold my radio
I’m the big man on the room
My life is as exciting as frum life gets
No you can’t hold it
Only I can hold it
I’m the Hatzalah man
I’m the Hatzalah man

Sit down with me and I’ll tell you a few
about the headless guy on the road
or the naked lady in the tub
or the time I saved some guy’s life
He died anyway but what the hell
It’s a story that makes me seem cool
I’m the Hatzalah man
I’m the Hatzalah man

When I race down 18th avenue
siren blaring on a call
all you Kollel bums want to be me
you know you want to me
everyone who’s frum wants to be me
I’m a macher
I’m a big shot
I’m the Hatzalah man
I’m the Hatzalah man

IDF Soldier Killed Trying to Assassinate Olmert

Update: Latest news says he was actually a Druze border guard. Family is denying the idea that he committed suicide.

Accompanied by the lamest cover up story to date.

An IDF soldier was reportedly killed Tuesday in the middle of a farewell ceremony at Ben-Gurion airport held in honor of French President Nicolas Sarkozy, in attendance of Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, President Shimon Peres and other state dignitaries, Israel Radio reported.

Police spokesman Shlomi Sagi said the policeman was killed in an apparent suicide, and police denied an attempted assassination attempt on Sarkozy.

However, a conflicting report said the soldier apparently fell from a vantage point he was occupying on a high building, from where he was securing the event, and the bullet that killed him misfired from his gun.

According to Israel Radio, the incident happened no more than 200 meters from where Olmert was standing.

Uh huh. So the soldier decided to commit suicide on duty while standing on a high vantage point with his own rifle! And then fell off a building. Yeah right.

Here’s a more plausible scenario. The soldier took aim at Olmert to end his corrupt charade. He was spotted by security that was doing sweeps of the airport taking aim at Olmert and was shot by a sniper. He fell off and was killed.

I’m surprised it hasn’t happened before. But they’re aiming at the wrong guy. Take out the Shas leaders and Olmert wouldn’t be in power for a day.

Why are the Anti-Frummie Critics Such Frakking Lunatics

It looked good on paper. The Frum world had no ability to monitor or reality check itself. The papers were beholden to the advertisers. So bloggers from the frum world would come forward, expose miscreants, blow the whistle and enforce some honesty for once.

Unfortunately the ones who came forward were Frakking lunatics. Which probably should have been expected.

The bloggers, call them the Anti-Frummies like UOJ or Shmarya are just as stupid, ignorant, bigoted and illiterate as any of the commenters at YeshivaWorld. The only difference between a UOJ and Shmarya and Ba’Habos from Flatbush at YeshivaWorld is that the former hate the latter.

The Anti-Frummie bloggers represent the worst traits of the frum world, the narrow-mindedness, the knee jerk response, the stupidity and rampant xenophobia, except directed at the frum world. Yet unfortunately thanks to some combination of social networking and media attention, they’re what passes for blogger criticism of the frum world. Which means the frum world doesn’t have a damn thing to worry about.

Let’s take the “nice” lady who ran the Awareness Center and embarrassed everyone associated with it and everyone who genuinely cared about righting some wrongs in the frum world. The nice lady, who as it turns out had gone on Oprah and told Barack’s “aunt” that Jews worshiped Satan and drank blood. Her methodology mainly involved archiving newspaper articles about abuse cases, possible abuses cases or anything, with no filter over whether it actually happened or didn’t.

Let’s take UOJ who types like a Ritalin addicted monkey with a cattle prod up his ass. Or to say it the way he does, “UOJ WHO Types (they’re frum fakkers not gonna stop me) LIKE A CATTLE proud up the ass of compacency!!!!”. UOJ is every idiot YeshivaWorld commenter given his own blog and devoid of a single English course. It’s like reading vomit in Times New Roman font.

Top that off with a hefty dose of grandiosity as UOJ is obsessed with his own greatness and his ability to change the world and you have a monkey who needs less ritalin and more anger management.

Then there’s Shmarya of Failed Messiah who manages to camouflage the rage well enough to maintain a credible looking blog, until you realize that he’s the equivalent of that kook who writes letters to the paper who really hates the Russians. It doesn’t matter what the story is, the Russians are to blame. For Shmarya the Russians are Orthodox Jews, or most of them anyway and Failed Messiah is a one note fixation on the object of his bigotry that only differs from a Neo-Nazi blog in that Shmarya is possibly Jewish.

So that’s what we get. The Jblogger reality check consists of people you wouldn’t let scrub your floors without a night watchman. The Frum world needs its critics, but it needs people who are a notch above YeshivaWorld commenters, who have more to offer than rabid hatred and mental problems.

The 5 Flavors of Frum Rebel Bloggers

Frum Rebel Bloggers, they’re all over the place and you can’t kill em. They come in 5 flavors like M&M’s and serious traumatic injuries. And here they are.

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The Whiner – The Whiner or Kvetcher has no intention of actually leaving his community and finding one where he’d be happier. Usually Chassidish or Haredi, the Whiner mainly blogs about whatever random annoyance in the Frum world comes their way. If he’s male it usually involves something in Shul or BM. If she’s female, it usually involves people asking her when she’ll get married.

Most Likely to: Blog about all the Mikvah gossip and rant self-righteously about it.

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The Perv – The Perv is naturally drawn to anything the Frum world has banned. The Perv is happy to regale you with stories of picking up strippers outside of strip clubs and eating pork sandwiches in Shul, some of which may even be true. While the Perv often talks about leaving the frum world, he rarely does, and when he does he usually comes back, because the Perv is drawn to taboos and the Frum world provides him with a restrictive world full of rules to break… which is all he really wants out of life.

Most likely to: Make love to a McDonalds Cheeseburger

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The Single – Not really a Rebel, the Single is usually female and generally upset because she isn’t married yet. Rants usually consist of the hypocrisy of the Frum community, how everyone else but her is married, how she wishes people would stop setting her up on dates, how she wishes people would have some Rachmones and set her up on dates. Occasional posts will involve complaints about how restrictive Shomer Negiah is and demands that Rabbonim do something about the Shidduch Crisis.

Most likely to: Be the annoying friend whose phone calls you avoid because they’re so self-involved that they drive you and everyone else away.

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The Slut – The Slut can be male or female, usually in the mid-teens to mid-twenties, and obsessed with boys/girls, girls/boys. The slut looks like a bad case of malfunctioning hormones but is usually just a frum kid from a home with issues and some major self-esteem problems. The slut often has stories about lesbian make out sessions on the bus from Machane Yehuda or picking up girls at the beach in Far Rockaway, but most of those stories are usually imaginary. The slut frum blogger is mainly crying out for attention and looking for someone or something to show them some love. If they don’t manage to get pregnant before the time they get married, they usually settle down to become extremely annoying Frummies.

Most likely to: Take photos of herself in a Goth top. Take photos of himself in a wife-beater. Have a MySpace profile.

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The College Sophomore – Usually MO, usually in YU or Columbia or NYU, usually very annoying. The College Sophomore has a few books by Richard Dawkins and sat through a course or two on philosophy or religion that blew his or her mind and now writes 10 page long essays on his/her blog informing the rest of us about the fallacies of the Ritva’s view on progressive material entropy. In a few years though he’ll go to Law School and discover a whole new way to annoy the world.

Most likely to: Comment at Hirhurim. Namedrop his professors.

Uri L’Tzedek Wankers Threaten to Begin Eating Kosher Meat for Kosher Boycott

Yes that’s right, McDonalds of the Upper West Side, Yeshivat Chovevei Torah students for the first time might actually keep Kosher, at least long enough to boycott Rubashkin’s Agriprocessors for being mean to Cows and Mexicans.

It’s a fun paradox that the creative school of Judaism, whose only Kosher meat probably has to be brought in by Rabbi Avi Weiss, will now threaten to not buy kosher meat from Agriprocessors. Yeah I’m sure Rubashkin is losing a lot of money from the Vegan and Conservadox crowd.

Every time the JTA runs another Cowmeat story on Agriprocessors and the threatened Boycott of Doom from Uri L’Tzedek, better known as a bunch of useless wankers from Yeshivat Chovevei Torah, 4 of whom might actually know what Kosher even is, I can’t help laughing my ass off.

Uri L’Tzedek threatening a boycott of Agriprocessors is like me threatening a boycott of Tofu. It’s empty posturing by a bunch of useless wankers with goat beards who find learning Gemara and being Rabbis too boring, so they have to create Uri L’Tzedek, their very own useless social justice organization in preparation for figuring out how to get some real grant money and then write their own book or maybe run for Congress.

I’m no fan of Agriprocessors but the demographic there is people who want affordable Kosher meat, not people who spend all night worrying about whether Mexican illegal aliens are happy with their jobs. That’s what rich dumbass limousine liberals and their idiot sons who form Uri L’Tzedek do and they don’t eat Kosher meat, except when they’re busy posturing about their phony boycotts.

So sure gang, chow down on more of that delicious tofu. Pile on the wheatgrass. After all you wouldn’t want to be mean to cows and I’m sure no Mexicans were harmed in the making of your Birkenstocks. I realize you guys at Uri L’Tzedek are really all fired about this, I don’t mean the Mexican cow stuff, just the “getting your names in the paper” stuff. After all the biggest triumph for a bunch of useless wankers is becoming nationally known and respected useless wankers.

Which is why it’s in our interest to keep mocking them until they go away.

Tim Russert is Dead. America Yawns.

Fame is always weird. It’s really weird how it makes people relate to the fortunes and misfortunes of people they never met and never will meet. People they have no relationship with except on one side of the TV or movie screen.

When I logged into WordPress, the leading post was someone caterwauling about Tim Russert’s death. I expect that kind of mourning from the press who see themselves as the New Immortals and have an emotional relationship at least as colleagues.

But let’s face it, why should anyone else care?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not pro-Tim Russert dying. If I had to choose between Tim Russert being alive or dead, I’d choose alive. But I don’t have any kind of emotional relationship with him. His passing doesn’t affect me in any way. Guess what, it doesn’t affect you either.

Famous people are not your family. Famous people are not connected to you in any way. Just because you’ve watched someone on TV for a decade, doesn’t connect you in any way.

The false creation of emotional investment in famous people is at the heart of America’s cult of celebrity, a stupid and shallow value system. It’s not Tim Russert’s fault. He didn’t expect to die and he didn’t expect you to care about it. It’s your fault.

Today people can’t be bothered to have a family because it’s too much inconvenience, but they can create deep emotional connections to people on TV they never even met. It’s the fruit of indulgence and egotism and it’s a rotten harvest.

Today every dead celebrity generates his own Lincoln funeral train. People mourned more for Princess Diana than they did for many of their close relatives. We’ve become a selfish society seeing in famous people the vanity of our own egocentric reflection, to be famous, to be somebody, to matter. When a celebrity dies, we mourn them not as people, but as the passing of another fragment of that dream, another piece of the cultural wallpaper we’ve surrounded ourselves with, another father figure on the chattering box of static that fills our lives.

Shut the Hell Up: My Petition to Ari Hart and Uri L’tzedek

Mem’Hey Ba’Omer
April 34, 1921
Mr. Ari Hart
220 West Kochleffel Lane
Atlanta, GA, 90210

Dear Ari Hart,

Shut the hell up.

I say this to you not only as a Jew, a human being and a biological lifeform who’s sick to death of self-righteous wannabe Rabbis like you so desperate for two inches in the Forward that you’ll grow a scraggly goat beard, put on a t-shirt, creating yet another stupid social justice organization like Uri L’tzedek and distributing your online petitions as if anyone but your friends at the JTA, the Forward and all the other Jewish print media that nobody but their own interns actually reads, cares.

Just in case I wasn’t clear about that, shut the hell up. No I don’t care, shut the hell up.

God knows there’s a lot of useless Rabbis out there, but the most obnoxiously useless variety of them are twerps like you who spend your time living out some 60’s social activism fantasy by putting logos on your t-shirts and flying around the country to annoy people and get a story about you put in the paper.

And now look you Ari Hart made an online petition and you Ari Hart got your two frakking columns in the Forward and Jewschool which loves hating Jews to death is writing about you, Ari Hart!!! Congratulations. It’s all about you. If Rabbis were celebrities, you’d be the Shia LeBeouf of Rabbidom, smug, annoying and useless.

I know after a hard day of work of condescending to the elderly, IM’ing Mobius and figuring out how to make the Uri L’tzedek logo look even gayer than it does already while pondering the prophetic tradition you probably think your life is worthwhile. I’ve got news for you. It isn’t.

I’m really glad you’re raising money for the Rubashkin Mexican Meth producing illegal aliens on behalf of a Catholic Church. This is a wonderful project because the money can go to three places

1. Catholic Church settlements for molesting little boys

2. Project “Gay Up that Uri L’tzedek Logo Some More”

3. Funding Mexican illegals so they can one day run you over in broad daylight while driving with a license plate made of glued together pieces of toilet paper

Personally I encourage you Ari Hart and Sister Mary McCauley to go for Options 1 and 2, because the logo of a completely useless organization that only exists on the internet can never be too gay and because child molesting should only happen to parents who choose to send their kids to schools belonging to groups that are known for their Laissez-faire policy on molesting kids.

Heretofore, I want to ask you to

1. Shut the hell up

2. Shut the hell up

3. Get a real job that requires you to shave your goat beard, put away your guitar and work for a living, instead of mumbling vaguely about Tikkun Olam and flying to Burma to annoy rescue workers.

4. Shut the hell up.

In doing so I ask you to maintain the high standards of Gershon The Winkler, The Fonz, Peter Rabbit and Puff the Marshmallow Man, admit your uselessness and do something more productive with your life, like digging holes in random highways. Until you make these changes I feel compelled to keep making fun of you and making your logo look even gayer than it already does.

I regret this course of action as much as you do. Wait, no I don’t. Shut the hell up and cram your petition where the sun don’t shine.

שָׂנֵאתִי הַשֹּׁמְרִים הַבְלֵי-שָׁוְא Pslams 31:7

Samurai Mohel

Beware of Castrated Multiple Choice Questions

It’s a typical technique by people trying to box you into going their way to present a phony set of castrated multiple choice questions.

The most infamous one is used by Christians who claim that Jesus had to be

A. Lord

B. Liar

C. Lunatic

When someone hands you a list like that, you can be sure they’re lying their asses off. But playing that game with us Perushim is a bad idea, cause we’re always way too good at finding more options to put on the table.

The Trillema of Lord, Liar or Lunatic makes it almost too easy once you examine the premises. The most basic premise is that Jesus made the statements that are attributed to him. No that’s wrong, actually the most basic premise is that Jesus even existed. Knock that out and you suddenly have a lot more options

So instead of a Trilemma you wind up with something like this

A. Liar

B. Lunatic

C. Never said anything of the kind

D. Was misinterpreted

E. Never existed

F. Diety

G. Liar and lunatic

H. Was misinterpreted but was a lunatic. He was actually talking about an alien invasion.

I. Sincerely meant what he said and was sane, but was still completely wrong

And we can keep going here because when you get right down to it, C.S. Lewis is no match for anyone’s read some Gemara.

Over on his site Rabbi Daniel Lapin comes up with an equally howly howler.

Anyone who believes in the God of Abraham, has only two choices when contemplating the Holocaust: (1) God was powerless to stop evil men from perpetrating the Holocaust and therefore allowed this unspeakable calamity to occur; or (2) He made it happen.

And no.

There’s actually a lot more choices than that.

A. God was powerless

B. God made it happen

C. God could have prevented it but chose not to

D. God prevented the full impact of the calamity while enabling some of it to happen and not intervening in some of what did happen.

There are more possible answers but D is the one that best fits the facts. But the bottom line is we don’t have the answer and the facetious logic of leading multiple choice questions doesn’t begin to clarify the mind of God.

We are all uneasy with implicating the victim in his own misfortune. Yet this does sometimes happen. Not every victim is virtuous. Traditional Judaism in its analysis of the brothers Jacob and Esau, informs us that when Jews abandon God’s Torah and try to assimilate, cosmic calamity invariably follows. Ancient Jewish wisdom offers the uncomfortable truth that anti-Semitism is often the warning sign that we Jews are out of line. In other words, anti-Semitism does not only highlight the evils of our tormentors, but it also shines a disturbing light upon our own flaws as a community.

Lapin is being a bit fuzzy about “Ancient Jewish Wisdom” here. The very first Holocaust of the Jews happened in Egypt. Yet we’re told that the Jews never changed their names or their clothes. Even before that we’re told Lavan tried to wipe out the Jewish people, even though Yaakov proclaimed that he lived among Lavan and remained pure.

Meanwhile when Yaakov returned to meet Esav, he tried to play up to Esav and succeeded and we use that as a model into the present day.

Antisemitism can happen when Jews don’t assimilate or when they do. Which kinda suggests there’s no such thing as antisemitic logic. Antisemitism is hatred of Jews. It really doesn’t matter what Jews do, we’ll still be hated. Pegging Antisemitism as a punishment or warning sign is oversimplifying it.

The definition of an antisemite is someone who hates Jews. Not some Jews, all Jews.

God does not tell antisemites to hate Jews. He might use them as tools, but neither does he interfere with their free will. Pharaoh didn’t decide to enslave the Jews because God told him to. God simply arranged for the Jews to be in a place where they would run into someone like Pharaoh. Esav didn’t hate Yaakov because God forced Esav to. Esav hated Yaakov because they represented diametrical opposites.

he very fact that it occurred in Germany is astounding. German Jews had served in the Kaiser’s army with distinction during World War I. German Jews had risen to cultural and economic prominence in Weimar Germany; even the country’s most influential daily newspaper (the equivalent of the New York Times) was owned by Jews.

Poland was a far more likely nation to have spawned the Holocaust. It was there that millions of Jews stood out with their distinctive costume, looking like the cast of Fiddler on the Roof. It was in Poland that generations of anti-Semitism had bred a fanatical distrust and hatred for Jews. Polish Jews had acquired very little prominence and power. Had the Holocaust been launched by Poland, I would have considered it an almost natural event—something to be expected from the historic and current social condition of Polish Jews.

The Holocaust mostly did occur in Poland. The bulk of the concentration camps were in Poland. The worst massacres happened in Poland. A lot more Polish Jews died in the Holocaust than German Jews, in number and percentage wise.

But Poland was in no shape to conquer half of Europe. Germany Was. And now you know the end of the story.

The sheer incomprehensibility of Germany unleashing its fury on Jews makes it a shocking testament to God’s involvement in World War II.

What’s incomprehensible about it? German Anti-semitism was always high. Germany had a long history of hating Jews and killing Jews. Hitler didn’t come and suddenly make Germans hate Jews. He just exploited what was already there.

Let us avoid the Holocaust becoming an icon of communal atheism. For many, remembering the Holocaust has become a secular Jewish observance. Their cry is “Where was God?”

If they’re asking where was God, that’s neither a secular nor atheistic question. It’s actually a reasonable religious question that can begin a serious discussion. Granted there’s no answer, not the atheistic God doesn’t exist or Lapin’s, God killed everyone because he hated Jews dressing like Europeans (I mean the modern 19th century Europeans, not the 18th Polish Europeans).

The answer is there is no answer. God didn’t send a prophet to tell us the Holocaust was coming. All that we know is that it happened. We don’t have any more answers than that and anyone who insists on giving us glib answers should be distrusted, punched in the face and given a job entertaining senile tourists in the Catskills.