Sacred Cows and Clown College

There are many unanswered and unanswerable questions.

Why is the sky blue?

Why is it sometimes pink?

Why does it sometimes turn black?

Why is there a Mormon blogger at the LA Jewish Journal and why does he offer hopelessly ignorant opinions about Judaism?

Do you see me offering my views on what Mormons need to do about their religion based on my knowledge of the religion based on a South Park episode and stuff I heard from Mormon critics?

But that doesn’t stop Mark Paredes from doing it. The topic is Women at the Wall, a group that I might almost sympathize with except for the fact that they really don’t care about praying, but do care about publicity stunts.

Everyone gave kudos to Rabbi Eliezrie for volunteering to be the Orthodox lightning rod for the evening, but I found his arguments less than compelling. His main justification for the denial of certain religious rights to women at the Western Wall was that “Jews have been praying this way for 3300 years, since the days of King Solomon.” Needless to say, his Reform and Conservative colleagues took exception to this statement. The night’s best line went to Rabbi Judith HaLevy, who noted that Jews don’t slaughter animals at the Western Wall today “even though they did it at the time of King Solomon.”

This has so much stupid in it that it’s over its accepted stupid weight.

I’m assuming that Rabbi Judy is a Reform Rabbi and has no clue about Judaism, but whatever Clown College turns out Reform Rabbis should still explain at some point between the two years of ecology, the one year of diversity and the one year with the Peace Corps that Jews (actual Jews from then until 1842) believe that sacrifices are held in abeyance until the rebuilding of the Temple.

Stupid laugh lines like these come from Stewart and Colbert politics. They’re an ignorant show of ignorance.

I can see why many Orthodox Jews are not impressed by liberal Jews’ willingness to change their traditions simply because they think that it’s a good idea to do so. However, invoking King Solomon to defend your practice of exclusion isn’t terribly convincing, either.

Look

1. Fuck you

2. It doesn’t have to be “convincing”. It’s what the religion is.

When people do something for 3300 years this is their way of doing it. That may sound circular to people who follow a religion made up by a guy in the 19th Century but even Mormons have their traditions. I may not like that tradition. Mark and Judy may not like our tradition, but that counts for fuckall because they are outside that tradition.

I am not going to walk into the big Saints cathedral and demand that they change things and if a Mormon critic tries that same stunt, I doubt very much that Mark will be on her side. Trying to hijack someone else’s sacred space and then demanding that they account to you for their traditions is typical liberal bullshit.

No one is obligated to account to anyone else for their traditions. Reform Judaism wrote out Jerusalem and the Temple from their religion. They can no longer demand any rights to them.

If they want to pray their way at a wall, they can build their own damn wall. They gave up this one when they gave up on the tradition.

However, on a night when only one prominent rabbi in the Los Angeles Orthodox world was willing to engage in a public dialogue on religious pluralism, I do feel comfortable offering an outsider’s opinion on which argument I found most compelling.

This is why. But no, not really. There’s no dialogue to be had on religious pluralism.

If you believe that the word of G-d is unchanging, then what is there to have a dialogue about with people who believe that it comes and goes any way you please? How can you even talk about pluralism if you reject the concept of plural approaches, some of which reject the word of G-d?

After all, while the Torah does state that priests in ancient Israel were male descendants of Aaron, modern Rabbinic Judaism doesn’t have priests, priesthood, or temples. Rabbis are teachers and decisors of Jewish law, not priests.

Mark’s thought process here was that he didn’t have to actually learn anything about Orthodox Judaism before writing about it. And that’s fine. Knowing what the hell you’re talking about is exclusionary.

Sure my synagogue has priests and they are called up first to the Torah and they bless the congregation. There are even regularly blessings by the priestly descendants of Aaron at the Western Wall… but Mark is probably right.

As a Mormon I believe that the Israelite priesthood has always been conferred exclusively on men, and I understand that men were almost exclusively the teachers and judges in ancient Israel, but in a modern world with many female teachers and judges, what is the theological objection to authorizing female rabbis if they don’t hold the priesthood?

How can a human being write up a sentence, a paragraph, a post, that is this contradictory without being aware that he’s doing it? Honestly it’s a mystery to me.

Mark Paredes believes that the priesthood, his Mormon priesthood, is conferred only on men. And then he asks what our objection is, in this modern world, to female Rabbis, because we couldn’t possibly have anything in our religion with as much standing as the Mormon belief that etc…

How can one man be this blithely stupid?

Our religion is our theology. Our theology is our religion. No religion or idea stands up to sufficient examination. You can deconstruct everything into piffle and that doesn’t make you smart, it makes you destructive.

Religion is faith and tradition. You are either part of it or you’re not. We can spend 4 days explaining it and it will end up right there after all the words are spilled out. Our religion is what we do. You don’t have to like it. You don’t even have to respect it. But you have to deal with it.

This is who we’ve been for 3300 years. These are the people whose traditions and scriptures you used as the basis for your own religion. And if you think that your religion has value, then maybe the original source of it has some value that you should respect as well without walking in like a tourist and gawking at all the funny Jews who still think like they did 3300 years ago.

We can argue theology and the place of X, Y and Z in Judaism, the logical paths that we took to get here, but really this is who we are. Deal with it.

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Why Can’t You Be Gay and an Orthodox Jew?

This is an important question being asked by a growing number of people who can’t read and have to take off their shoes to count to twelve.

What’s the contradiction between being a Homosexual and an Orthodox Jew? As an idol worshiping adulterer, I don’t know the answer.

The problem is that we have two definitions of “Orthodox Jew”.

1) Orth-od-ox J-ew (Person who is non-judgmental and does many Mitzvos (kind deeds for others))

2. Orthodox Jew (Person who follows Torah)

“Of course, I am fully aware of the biblical injunction against homosexuality, and as a Torah-believing Jew, I accept that injunction as Jewish law. But why is this mitzvah different from all other mitzvot?” asks some columnist at the Times of Israel.

Duh, it’s not.

Of course I’m fully aware that there’s a biblical injunction against breaking the Shabbat but why can’t I drive to Shul each night and still be an Orthodox Jew?

If you have two identities. One is being an adulterer or idol worshiper or homosexual and the other is an Orthodox Jew, the two identities are not compatible. You have to choose one or the other. And if you talk about being a homosexual Orthodox Jew, then you have already made your choice. You are not an Orthodox Jew.

If violating the Torah is a more vital part of your identity than keeping the Torah, then you are not a Torah-believing Jew. We all make mistakes. I once cursed my parents while bowing down to Baal and then had sex with a donkey. It happens to everyone. But there’s a big difference between falling down on the job and defining an identity that says, “BREAKING SHABBAT IS PART OF WHO I AM. I WAS BORN THIS WAY. NOW TELL ME WHY YOU BIGOTS WON’T ACCEPT ME AS AN ORTHODOX JEW”

Doing something wrong does not take you off the list. Insisting that you are genetically bound to have sex with donkeys while bowing to Baal and that this is now your identity… and that we have to accept that is a load of donkey dung.

You can be an Orthodox Jew. You can be a bad Orthodox Jew. But not a Baal Worshiping/Donkey Humping/Orthodox Jew. Once you try and claim this identity, you are stating that you will not change and you want to create a modified religion and a modified Torah where donkey humping is cool.

They already have one of those. It’s called Reform Fracking Judaism. Once you go Reform, you never have to worry whether your donkey humping identity in any way interferes with your religion. There’s no polar yes/no black/white good/bad stuff there. So long as you don’t vote Republican, you’re in.

You can be an Orthodox Jew who is tempted to have sex with men, donkeys or the Amish. But you can’t be an Orthodox Jew who says, “I MUST HAVE SEX WITH MALE AMISH DONKEYS SO ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM”. An identity is not a mistake. It’s not a temptation. It’s who you are.

When someone says, “I am gay” and “I am an Orthodox Jew” those two identities nullify each other. You can be an Orthodox Jew who is tempted to have gay sex. You cannot be an Orthodox Jew who turns a violation of the Torah into a statement of identity.

But the Torah also prescribes death for some 25 other transgressions, including — to name but a few — cursing one’s parents (Exodus 21:17), ignoring the Torah-based rulings of a judge or court (Leviticus 17:12), and violating the Sabbath (Exodus 31:14, among other places). Yet, we don’t ostracize people who curse their parents or were held in contempt of even a Jewish court.

Oh but we would.

If someone cursed their parents all the time. If they turned cursing their parents into their identity. If they called themselves a “Motherfrakking Jew” and held “Motherfrakking Pride Parades” and wrote articles and made documentaries complaining that Orthodox Jews refuse to accept and tolerate Motherfrakking Jews… they would be gay.

In Israel, it is common to see people attend an Orthodox synagogue on Shabbat morning, and then spend the afternoon at a football game or the beach. That they do not observe Shabbat in an Orthodox manner does not keep them from receiving honors such as being called to recite the blessings on the Torah.

Yes and that’s a problem. It opens the door to crap like this. Then when the guy who just stabbed his parents 12 times after having sex with a donkey and worshiping Baal rides into an Orthodox synagogue on a donkey with a bloody knife in one hand and a Baal idol in the other… and is turned away by the judgmental Jews… the synagogue is vulnerable to charges of hypocrisy.

But should an openly gay couple enter and attempt to join the services, I shudder to think of the communal response.

Same response as a guy walking in with a football game blasting on a portable television.

There’s no hypocrisy here. Homosexuality as an identity is incompatible with Orthodoxy in the same way that you cannot walk into a synagogue and sit there with the game blaring so loudly that the Chazzan can hear it.

it is time for more of us in the Orthodox world to accept gay Jews as we do others who, like us, do not — and cannot — keep all of the mitzvot.

This is the one we’re waiting for. “Cannot”.

Why “Cannot” they? Because they were made different. Children of a gay god. And if we accept this identity, we have to modify our religion or believe that G-d made people who are programmed to sin and have no choice about it.

Speaking as someone who was genetically programmed to intermarry, eat bacon and worship Baal, I sympathize. I really do. So shut the hell up and stop writing these piteous articles telling us that it’s wrong not to accept homosexuality or that the basic incompatibility between Orthodox Judaism and Homosexuality is a myth.

It’s not a myth unless you think Torah is a myth. We all make mistakes, but we don’t turn a mistake into our identity. When you do that, what you are really saying is that it’s not a mistake at all… and maybe Torah is the mistake.

It’s Stupid Ron Kampeas Day at the JTA

Yeah I know every day is Stupid Ron Kampeas Day at the JTA. At least until whoever funds the decrepit rotting corpse of the JTA moves to Singapore and Ron Kampeas has to get a job at J Street.

But there’s dumb and then there’s really dumb. “From left to right, American Jews are criticizing Israeli anti-boycott law”

Backers of a new Israeli law penalizing anyone who targets Israel or West Bank settlements for boycotts tout it as a tool to fight back against anti-Israel campaigns, but American Jewish organizations seem remarkably united in deeming the measure an affront to freedom of expression.

Does Ron understand the difference between American Jews and American Jewish organizations? Or do you have to be a non-member of orgs to get that?

Okay how about from left to right? Ron quotes Morton Klein of ZOA who doesn’t know what the bill means and think it makes boycotts illegal. That is the only person, place or thing on the right that the article quotes. And it’s from someone who doesn’t understand the bill.

Does anyone at the JTA speak English? If you’re going to make the focus of your dumbass article a false claim that American Jews on the left and right oppose the bill, then you have to talk to more than one person on the right. And that person should know what the fracking bill does.

“Not since ‘Who is a Jew?’ ” has there been a controversy that could seriously strain relations between Israel and American Jews, said one pro-Israel heavyweight, referring to the early 1980s battle.

Not since 5 minutes ago has Ron Kampeas used an unsourced anonymous quote to shore up a bullshit claim that no one takes seriously for 5 minutes.

“Not since Ron Kampeas was caught shoplifting women’s panties at K-Mart has there been such a crisis that threatened the future of the JTA this much,” said one influential journalist in a bathroom stall. Does this mean the end of the JTA. Very probably.

JTA House Style, Represent!

Morton Klein, the ZOA’s president, said he was still examining the law, but that in principle the ZOA opposed anti-boycott laws.

“Nobody was more appalled by the boycott of Ariel theater than me, but to make it illegal? I don’t think so,” Klein told JTA, referring to calls by some Israeli artists to boycott a performing arts center in the West Bank settlement of Ariel.

Did Ron Kampeas misrepresent the bill in his phone call to Klein. And if he didn’t, did he happen to tell Klein that it doesn’t make boycotts illegal.

JTA Journalism, Represent!

Joining the ADL in issuing statements condemning the law were an array of dovish Jewish groups that included the New Israel Fund, J Street and Americans for Peace Now.

“When you start to persecute unpopular opinions, there really is no end point,” said Naomi Paiss, a spokeswoman for the New Israel Fund.

Yeah, next thing you know you’re persecuting unpopular countries and boycotting products from companies in them.

Maxwell House Releases a Tranny Revisionist Haggadah

I have no idea why anyone would want to use a corporate branded Haggadah at the seder table. It’s like printing Coca Cola on your Sefer Torah or putting a Yankees logo on your Talit. But Maxwell House has spent time pushing its Haggadah on people who are too cheap to buy one that doesn’t come from a corporation.

And now Maxwell House is touting its new release of a Haggadah for people who were really worried about gender roles in the Haggadah. Meet the new Maxwell House Tranny Haggadah.

In 5771, the “King” was overthrown.

The King is G-d so yeah… overthrowing Him sounds like a great entry to a religious holiday.

As part of a revolution in both linguistics and religious practice, the Maxwell House Haggadah, a staple of countless Jewish homes on Passover for 80 years, has been given a modern makeover. The new version, which was distributed in stores nationwide last week, drops the familiar phrase “King of the universe” in blessings, in favor of the gender-neutral “Monarch.”

Also missing in the new version of the Haggadah are most male-centered pronouns and possessive words that refer to God, as well as other gender-specific phrases. Think Four Children instead of Four Sons.

The Four Sons come from the Torah. And Hebrew is a gender specific language. I assume that means they changed the text of the translation, not the Hebrew, which figures since anyone who doesn’t understand that the four sons are a metaphor, and not actual sons, probably can’t read Hebrew anyway. Or maybe they changed the Hebrew.

But what about trannies? Is the new Maxwell House Haggadah tranny friendly? What about fat friendly? What’s it carbon footprint?

Why did Maxwell House choose to pander to PC morons like this? Because it’s aiming at what it thinks is a new demographic. Goodbye grandpa, hello inclusive seder that is a metaphor for gay liberation and the historical experience of black slavery.

Except that’s stupid and not just in the obvious ways. Maxwell House went into this to promote the use of its coffee to families who observed Passover by getting rid of their chametz. How many of the PC Klan bother with that? And how many of them are going to treat Maxwell House as some kind of tradition. They’re not, because Passover seders are a wacky tradition that they get in and out of, between Tibetan meditation and progressive vomiting for the rainforest. If they’re going to have coffee, it’s going to be from Whole Foods.

Instead Maxwell House alienates Jews who actually celebrate Passover.

No. The latest Maxwell House Haggadah also has expunged antiquated words like “thee” and “thine,” and added up-to-date graphics and photographs.

Up to date? Exodus pie charts. AP wire photos of the exodus. How do you have up to date photos of an event that happened thousands of years ago?

“It was time — language has evolved. We want people to sit [at the seder table] and have an idea of what they’re saying,” said Elie Rosenfeld, who, as CEO of the Joseph Jacobs advertising agency, coordinated the yearlong production process for the new Haggadah

Then maybe it’s time Maxwell House evolved by firing the Joseph Jacobs advertising agency and replacing it with a Jewish ad agency instead. Or a non-Jewish one that respects Jewish tradition.

“It’s 2011,” said Henry Frisch, a retired high school teacher — he taught a Bible as literature course — who did the translations for the new Haggadah. His goal: a Haggadah “more comfortable for American Jewish families.”

Wow. I’m glad Maxwell House and Jacob Joseph went all out to hire a retired high school teacher to do their translation because he at one point taught a literature course. What was Plan B, pay a homeless bum 50 cents to do it for them? The respect and dedication here are overwhelming to behold.

How about just replacing the Haggadah with Jonathan Livingstone Seagull? That would be much more comfortable for the target demographic that wants gender neutral language.

In an age when flashy graphics and the latest expressions are so instantly available with click of a computer mouse, centuries-old English and male-particular wording were considered outmoded for most Jewish American homes; change was inevitable.

In an age when blah blah blah… a Haggadah isn’t going to be able to compete by going tranny. Watering the Haggdah and its traditions down makes it less competitive.

But all the changes, Frisch says, are faithful to the intent of the Hebrew words. “It’s not non-Orthodox.”

That’s exactly what it is.

“This is not a feminist Haggadah,” Rosenfeld said. “It’s a very much, all-inclusive Haggadah.”

No a feminist Haggadah would celebrate the major role that women played in Jewish life in Egypt and resistance to slavery. That would be a good thing. This is inclusive, which means it’s gibberish.

“The focus on gender-free language has become widespread in America, and is non-controversial,” said Jonathan Sarna, professor of American Jewish history at Brandeis University.

Yes it is controversial. If it weren’t, Maxwell House’s PR machine wouldn’t be cranking all this spin out.

There is nothing revolutionary about the revision. The upgraded … Haggadah shows how traditions can be harmonized with contemporary practice without losing their essence.”

Upgraded? Are we talking about a computer here. How do you upgrade an ancient text? By using words like “harmonized” in sentences, when what you actually did was change language you didn’t like in line with your political sensibilities while eroding the meaning of the tradition?

Also obvious was adoption, whenever possible, of language that is not gender-specific, especially when referring to a Deity who is not gender-specific. “Everyone should be comfortable using the Haggadah,” Frisch said.

Except Jews.

Rewriting the Haggadah for inclusivity makes those who don’t share your revisionist agenda uncomfortable.

The new Haggadah cites “the strict Guardian of promises to Israel” instead of “He, who observeth strictly his promise unto Israel.”

Not only isn’t this an improvement, it destroys the poetry of the original and changes its meaning.

A Strict Guardian is not the same thing as one who strictly observes a promise. And you idiots have the nerve to mock the translation in the original.

A phrase in the Hallel (prayers of praise) excerpt from Psalms praises God “Whose glory is above the heavens” instead of a previous rendition, “His glory is above the heavens.”

Whose glory is it? We don’t know. Could be anyone. Not G-d, that’s for sure. No G-d allowed in the Maxwell House Tranny Haggadah.

Why Jewish Women Should Marry Muslim Men

Like all self-righteous idiots, I am completely and uncontrollably outraged by the letter of a bunch of Rebbetzins telling Jewish women not to marry Arab Muslim men. I’m so outraged that I can’t decide whether to eat a wheel of cheese or kick an ostrich.

How dare these awful people say there’s anything wrong with Jewish women marrying Muslim men?

Just look at all the reasons why Jewish women should marry Muslim men.

1. Domestic abuse is guaranteed by the Koran. If your husband is a devout Muslim then he will beat you. Because it’s in the Koran.

2. If he ever gets tired of you, polygamy is still legit in Islam. So better get used to sharing Jameel.

3. Don’t have daughters. If you do, first their clitoris will be cut off, and then their head if they ever dishonor the family by acting like teenage girls.

4. All your husband has to do to divorce you is recite a sentence in Arabic three times. He can also email it you or text it to you.

5. If you move to an Arab village and get raped, your rapists can accuse you of adultery. You can’t accuse them of rape.

6. Your mandatory body garment also doubles as a shroud when your husband decides to dispose of you.

7. Your children will grow up taught to murder Jews.

Great list, no? What’s there not to like. Come marry Abdul. No one will see the black eyes under the Niqab. And what do a bunch of stupid racist Rebbetzins know anyway.

Plus Rabbi Nezek Jihadi of the Masroti movement and 49 of his favorite goats have already signed on to a letter encouraging Jewish women to marry Muslim men. It’s great. It’s fun.

Once you marry a Muslim, you’ll never go back. Not unless you manage to sneak away in the middle of the night without being murdered.

This is the Stupidest Thing the Washington Post Will Ever Print

This is the Washington Post. This is WAPO on pure unfiltered Grade A stupid. It’s a 3 page Washington Post column about Dancing with the Stars. I could accept a 3 page Washington Post column on the psychological damage that TV does to viewers. Or even a 3 page column from the paper’s TV critic. But that’s not what this is. This is the rants that fans post on blogs and in comments. It’s not writing. It’s agonizing. It’s a religious column from a woman who probably can’t even spell religion.

Sally Quinn has a WaPo column On Faith. Somehow it’s actually a column about how much she hates that the celebrity she doesn’t like is winning her favorite stupid TV show, instead of the celebrities she does like. I don’t see God in there. Maybe somebody else does.

The unholy (s)election of Bristol Palin

This is the kind of gag only bored methodists think is funny.

My secret fantasy is to be on “Dancing” but of course I would never dare… And Carrie Ann, regretfully: “Sally, you’re a good journalist. Why do you want to put yourself through this?”

If this is a sample of her journalism,  Sally should try dancing instead.

My husband and I are “DWTS” fanatics.

Your husband is having an affair or is gay. Trust me on this one.

We plan our social life around it, often regretting invitations that fall on the night of the show. Only in emergencies would we try to TiVo.

Why do we even make fun of the Jersey Shore cast when people like this have regular Washington Post columns?

Not only that, but I vote.  Under the show’s rules, you’re allowed to vote five times on one line. I have six lines at home and my cell, so I vote as many times as I can for my favorite. This season, I’m voting for Jennifer Grey all the way. She is by far the best dancer on the show.

My name is Sally. I am 6 years old. My favorite dancer is Jennifer Grey because she’s so pretty and I bet she smells like ponies. I hope she wins and makes everyone dance for her.

“The Situation” was much better too and was sent packing. But it wasn’t until Rick Fox got eliminated after a fabulous routine that I realized something was terribly amiss.

The ‘something amiss’ is that you’re getting all worked up over minor celebrities pretending to dance on a TV show.

We were having a dinner party and I made my guests leave the table to watch the final half of DWTS. Norman Lear was with us. Norman is not a DWTS follower but got caught up in the moment too. As the music started and I waited breathlessly to see Bristol be told she was out. I was squeezing Norman’s hand when Brandy, not Bristol, was sent home. I couldn’t believe it.

Poor Norman Lear. He’s gone from writing groundbreaking TV shows, to sitting while a crazy lady rants about her favorite fake TV shows to him, while crushing his hand.

It seemed Bristol and her partner were just as surprised. Brandy cried. I have to confess I teared up. It just didn’t seem right.

I wept too. I wept that a national newspaper is giving this inches of space while children are dying in Africa.

Bloggers, columnists and TV commentators jumped on the results.  There must be cheating going on, they said.  It was all a tea party plot. That could be the only explanation for this appalling miscarriage of justice.

Don’t laugh.

I’m not laughing. It’s more sad, than funny.

I never remember all Ten Commandments off the top of my head, but there should be one that says, “Thou shalt not cheat while voting on ‘Dancing with the Stars.'”

Also there should be one that says, “Thou Shalt Not Write About This Drivel Outside of Fan Forums”

Polls have shown that the majority of tea party members are conservative Christians. Are these Christians who are voting 300 times and not using valid email addresses? Doesn’t it offend their sense of fairness, if not ethics and morals?

What would Jesus think? Would Jesus would for Briston Palin? WOULD HE VOTE FOR HER WHILE DRIVING A Hummer? Concerned and very stupid people would like to know.

Are these the same people who voted for Sarah Palin, for many of the candidates she endorsed this past election, and will be voting for her candidates in 2012? They may well be voting for her for president.

Finally we have proof that Sarah Palin is no good. People who will stoop to voting more than the allowed five times on a stupid celebrity dancing show are immoral monsters, who are no better than the Taliban.

Perhaps Sarah Palin could say to her supporters that she hopes the stories of rigging the vote aren’t true; that she doesn’t approve of cheating and may the best person win.

Or maybe she could not waste time on something that stupid.

Whatever the reasons for this, it has left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth, not only for the perception of dishonesty, but because of the perceived determination of Palin”s supporters to do anything they have to do to help their candidate.

This is like the time that people got so angry at Nixon because he canceled Charles in Charge.  And no one trusted him ever again.

This could be a metaphor for things to come. Sarah Palin is a force to be reckoned with and if her supporters can influence a TV show of 23 million viewers they can have more serious influence on elections. And if they can mobilize the religious right then the Democrats better pay attention and start dancing as fast as they can.

To garnish the epic stupidity of this train of thought, we have a Washington Post columnist who works backward from the success of Bristol Palin on a TV show to extrapolate that maybe this Palin person might actually have some support after all. Only in America. Only in the Washington Post.

And as for the people who cheated when they voted, all I can say is, “Lord have mercy!

No, putting in Lord Have Mercy, at the end DOES NOT MAKE THIS A RELIGIOUS COLUMN. If it worked that way, I could write Sally Quinn’s biography and stick Lord Have Mercy at the end.

The unholy (s)election of Bristol Palin

Report of the Bulletin of the International World Alliance of Messianic Judaism Worldwide in Rosh Pina Project Colada

Brethren and Cistern of Rosh Pina Project Colada

There isn’t a day that doesn’t go by in the Holy Land when we (the Real Jews) Ya’buuudim aren’t oppressed by the Jews (the Fake Jews). Why every day those cunning low down dirty Jews (Fake Jews) who have occupied our Holy Land (Ya’aretz Fusraelle) make fun of us for trying to preach the Gospel of the Lard Yeshua HaChristina yAguillera , who rose from the dead for their sins.

Why just yesterday our brother in Yeshua (Ye’pshua), Rabbi Leroy Brown (Re’abi Learoy Baruun) was denied a visa because he was not a Jew. Now who but the racist Jews (fake Jews) dare say that Rabbi Leroy Brown is not a Jew. Why he’s as Jewish, as Brother Bill McSheygetz, Stepbrother Luis Maricon and Sister Mary Caponella, or me, Father George Sweeney of Rosh Pina Project Colada.

But even though our Lard Yeshua Crackers fulfilled EVERY SINGLE ONE of the prophecies that our translators stuck into their Bible, they insist on sticking to their bizarre laws which the Lard admitted WERE A MISTAKE THAT HE DIDN’T REALLY MEAN. And in the meantime the Believers (real Jews) are harassed daily by terror squads of Lubavitch/Gur Hassidim who beat us with their fur hats and won’t take our sacred leaflets of the Word of the Lard!

Right now the only folk we can spread the good word to are already Christian Ethiopians and elderly Russian drunks who go from church to church to cash in and get free food. And the clock is ticking! The New Testament proclaims that Salvation is Of the Jews. Which means we the Real Jews (real fake Jews) have to replace the Fake Jews (real Jews) before it’s too late, or we’re doomed to spend forever back in Tennessee listening to some Church youth rap group practice their latest number, “What a Wicked Friend We Have in Our Homie, Jesus”.

And the only way we can do this is with your money. Believers are working their holy asses off to bring the word to the Fake Real Jews, but we can’t do it without a lot of your donations. We’re invading Israel. We’re going into their coffee shops and getting kicked out for telling people they’re going to hell. But that’s okay. We came prepared for that. We’re martyrs, just like all the Jews our ancestors killed because they wouldn’t take our illuminated parchment leaflets back in the Middle Ages. But it ain’t no fun being a martyr without a Mercedes Benz (send Martyrdom\Mercedes Benz donations to: ROSH PINA PROJECT COLADA C/O REAL JEW BIBLE COLLEGE C/O INTERNATIONAL WORLDWIDE ALLIANCE OF MESSIANIC JUDIASM IN TENNESSEE, 6012 ROBERT E. LEE RD, KILLAJEW, TENNESSEE).

We’re doing our part for the Lard. We’re holding our Davidic dances. We’re annoying tourists. We’re visiting Ukrainian prostitutes and bringing them to the Lard, and tipping them afterward. But are you doing yours? You have NO IDEA how bad it is out here. The heat, the humidity, the rejection. Our reverend leader, Rav Sheigetz McSkutz has almost given up hope and is ready to take his beautiful real Jewish wife, Beulah Cohanstein, back to Teneesee and his job serving burgers at the Great All-American Fried Roadkill Cafe. Only your money can make the difference!

Every day we’re sweating it to bring the message of Yeshua Crackers to the Fake Real Jew (Yabaduoum), and our congregation in the House of Da’veed, United Congregation of Baal, grows every time an Ethiopian on an expired visa needs an air conditioned place to spend an hour on sunday. So many people who were already Christians in the Holy Land are being brought to know our Lard and Shaver. But it’s not enough. We’ve done our Davidic dances to Baal (Yeshua Ha’Crotchety), and we don’t doubt that somewhere he is listening to us, unless he’s had some sour grapes and is in the john. But only if you donate right now.

I tell you we’re so close. Them Real Fake Jews already believe that a man is their messiah, an old guy named Scheenerson or something. Why can’t they believe in our man? We at Rosh Pina Project Colada have a man god too, and ours is so much cooler. He’s anorexic and asexual. We’ve got frakking homoerotic portraits of him hanging everywhere. We’ve got a sacrament to commemorate the time he turned an ordinary can of sugar into high quality Colombian cocaine.

Even as you’re reading this, dozens of cocaine addicted believers are scratching their noses and pretending to be Jews. For the Lard! We’re trying to reach the Jewish people with a message of love. Okay mostly hate, but our loving message of hate lets them know how much our Lard and Shaver, Joshua Crackerbox loves them and hates them, and wants them to be in a sexually ambiguous relationship with him too! And we need your help. Send us cocaine! Mountains and mountains of cocaine.

The zionist pharisee orthodjews won’t let us bring in sacramental cocaine because they know its power! They say it’s illegal. The very same people who crucified our lard on a cross of wood are crucifying our cocaine. Something must be done! Set our righteous Christian cocaine free! Liberate the martyrs of our meth labs. Don’t let the pharisees nail our PCP to a cross just like they did the lamb of gawd! Call your congressman! Call your Senator! Call your President. And pray for us for we are going cold turkey. Amen.

Remember the clock is ticking. Before the End Times come, we have to replace all the goddamn Jews so Gawd has no choice but to take us instead. Brother Leroy Brown, Sister Maria Capone, Stepbrother Luis Maricon and his Holiness, Father Bill Sweeney are counting on you to help the International World Global Messianic Alliance do it before it’s too late.

With Faith in Your Money

Rabbi Sheigetz McSkutz
PhD, DD, ADD from Moody Bible College
Rabbinical Degree from Tennessee Jew College teaching Jew Stuff
Rosh Pina Project Colada